Sunday, February 22, 2009

couple from few

my butterfly!

Me and Tessa <3> We went out to Wharf Shed for my birthday

Do you like guacamole?

Long ways between each blog. I'm sitting in the lounge on my knees infront of the window with the Oscars on the tele as background sound.

I've found my music again, my hands can't write fast enough and i am feeling so free of ... no, just free.

I am working not only towards a full recovery but also with the problems i have in my day to day life... baby steps have shown me higher views and bounds that are unmanagable in my day to day life...

This place has given me the chance to take care of myself, to even realize that i have to look after myself.

Since last bit and a bitch i have turned the great double two. Barrackaded bedroom doors, running through streamers, baloons up to my eyeballs and then out wiith my best friend the entire day... the Lilliams are in full bloom now, and it smells beyond magical.. Saturday just gone i finally got to sit with my entire family.. in one sitting.. in one room.. at one time.. and that was he best present i could have asked for.

I've realized, along this path that a huge part of my illness and recovery was the fact i am very indecisive. I use to live off the motto 'go off gut instinct'.. 'going off guts' ... till i lost 'em...Literally.

When it comes to making the tiniest decision, the smallest choices.. i beat my brains.
Talking it out i, we, me has come up with some causes of course.
Lack of self esteem, definatly.. helps
But i have always over analyzed, to the point of driving myself into an eating disorder. One thing i must say, for any 'recoverees' -ers or otherwise.. claim back your eating disorder. The best for the moment, worst for the long term thing i could have done was starting to believe my anorexia was something else in me. It is a part of me, it is in my blood.. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, i claim it.. so i can control it.. how can you get rid of something that isn't a part of you?

i am working along side my team to come out brighter and better than ever before, looking towards my future as the woman i feel i am. i've been introduced to someone i know i'll just have as a side pal through life.

I think i can still smell Duke.

I've taken up knitting................who woulda thought ey!!

O Bla Di.
I also went to my good friend Shaboogs twenty first birthday..
all i gotta say is
malibu pineapple and raspberry!!

Spent so much time with my baby sister these past few weeks.. i am up to day 42. For those playing at home, but this .. is only the beginning.. i'm here coz i wanna be here now.. there is no needs no havings and no more bitchings....we move,

to be a rock and not to roll


(this isn't confusing, it's all over the place coz they did a pineapple express stint on the oscars.. i don't even remember hald the shit i wrote.. but i know one lucky lady (miss sonia, m'woman) who will probablyy not mind reading and deciphering this badboy


Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm Yours, Yoda.

Sundays were always my 'day before's'

i.e day before school, day before the working week, day before a menstrual cycle.. i guess
i just associated it with such negative teenage drama crap.

Didn't help that i had the worst job of my life that made me work Sundays.. so when sunday was the 'day of rest' .. i was up and atom at a sparrows fart.

Today proved otherwise, i lazed about in the dark with the other girls.. we're like a dysfunctional family of sorts, with a carer .. mind you. But we love 'em.
Watching hours of devastating footage of towns and families being burnt to crisps and texting friends frantically making sure none of 'em were dead.

Apart from all this, my other spectrum was excited about the excitement the afternoon held for me.. Mum and Dad were gonna be here just after one to pick me up and take me out.. we had planned on coffee and cake but after the swelter-shed yesterday.. and te sudden drop today.. (twenty degrees..are you from Seria!?!) we setteled on Norwegian Ice Cream and a wander round my favourite sea side townships.. Queenscliffe.
It was our 'usual' family thing... Fish and Chips whilst overlooking the Rip at Queenscliffe.
So felt absolute normal and blissful to be there with two of my favourite people lickin' the cold stuff and talking nonsense about everything.

And i could tell they enjoyed the time as much as i.
With the new lot of therapy coming to a close, and the beginning of my fifth week as an In Patient(well im still here and the four week Menu Rotation is back to the beginning.. ill be first to admit.. im sick of the once alright food...but im taking complete advantage of the fact i can now have a decent in between meal out with my family every other day.... ) Things are looking better than gold.

My extreme limitations are being recognized with an eager brow lift, and i am stopping in tracks to make direct turns in the opposite or slightly obscure other direction.......

Things is gonna be okay.
All i really know.. is that the reality is never as scary... as the fear of reality itself.

Yes, Yoda... Yes

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wide Eyed Wondering

First Escorted Family Leave "for the in betweens" Today.

The whole story went, we haven't been having sessions or classes in ages. This to me felt more like a weight gain programme than anything else.. but i love the sessions with Simon and Mich.

But this week just so happened that some sessions were back (as in on the sheet, not so much following through with said sessions). I'm sittinng up all perky in my bed of lambs wool and eggshell matress awaiting the nightly meds. One of the girls is flying the coop tomorrow but not so much panicking because... well.. 'she'll be back in 10 days'. I really want her to find her wings. Spread those wings.. and choof off. She needs to, to see what the other side is like without he safety net. But that is her, that is just her.

We don't fight these things, they're not ours for the fighting.

The session was ON.
The session was CANCELED.

The sessions was ON.

I'd already organised for me and Tessa to go into town. Spur of the moment. I wouldn't have gone otherwise. I would have kept it at arms length until i just didn't have the balls to do it at all. But i did. And it was wonderful. We just scoped around the city. Ran into an old flame. Not literally, but i've dreamt about it.. and it was so close to becoming reality that i almost forced it upon onself to make the extra jump to becoming a bit more real.

Still, it was so intense and still so heart beating.

This weekend i am going out with Bronwyn and on the Sunday i'll go out with my parents.

There is so much freedom and love tha i am yet to even meet at the gates... i get tastes now though, i wake up smiling.. and as i've said and written over and over again... it's the feeling i use to wait for... i stopped waiting.. i definately stopped assuming it was never gonna come.. and i realized it was always there by stage right just waiting for my secret foot-stomp so she'd comme charging out arms flailing and all tits and teeth.

I have made some slight movements towards my outside world already, things i want to do and need to do. Things i would just love and loath.

I spent a mini jackpot with Tessa today, probably the only girl in an eating disorders clinic to hide chocolate in her handbag. I'm not going to pretend to be somebody i'm not.. but having said that i'm also not going to grind my teeth to the jawline when people assume (come we all know the assing out of u and me, nobody wants that now) that i am wearing my masquarade for better times.

For better and for worse, there is a mama inside me ready to tinker away.

And there are far too many marking si am yet to see so solid on my own flesh and bone.

My duke needs his Mother back, and everything is going to alright.

Alright, aim higher than before.. but keep it in reach. It IS in your reach, it's how far forward you're willing to go to hold it and call it yours.

"i shall call it squishy and it shall be my squishy".

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Lonely Ride on Bucket Five

It has been quite a while since i've actually been bothered enough to type anything worthy.
Since that helluva black-out adventure when all hell and heather broke lose with hospital beds being moved into beer gardens and wheelchair races down the corridoors.

I see more and more of my real life now. With each passing day.
Sleep ins and being in charge of self.

There was obviously a snap decision when i realized THIS is not what i wanted out of life. There was a point in time where i had plans, and fucking brilliant plans might i add to be somewhere doing something I wanted to do, somewhere i wanted to be when i was twenty one going on twenty two.
There needed to be an abusive hiccup along the way to scu-wiff my actions.

If we look at things with a negative nancy perspective, guess what? It will gather every bit of evidence it has against you and throw it in your face. Proving once again, that mind matters.

I sat on my bed breathing as deep into my core as physically possible, which from a menthol-smokers point of view... is pretty damn far. Our Yoga .. Our LADY Yoga has been taken away from us. After writing a specifically mature and sensible letter to management about the way we as patients felt this programme was being run was taken on the chin.. to them... but in saying tha something we hell enjoy, such as our darling yoga has been yanked away!

So who can complain, my beautiful Tessa bought down my baby Last night after dinner for me to see... not in his HOME environment but most definately with his Mamm.
We got to kiss and cuddle while the brat shook and shuddered at every movement. But i got to see his wide eyes. Big Pupils and all.

Some specific decisions have been drawn up in rough greyled and rubber form for future plans.
This is not no time for factual evidence... just a space and void to fill before we scoop on back to get-bettersville. Aint about noo intake nor situated on the outake.

But definately wanting myself to love again, I believe this could be the 'bad day' i was talking about.

part from these ridges in the paper i am so happy. I'm happy.
People love stomping on my happiness, waiting for me to snap. "give it a week... okay give it two.... mine came on the fifth week". Please don't put me in the same fucking basket as you. Unlike the rest of nature i want to get better, infact i can literally SEE myself as better. In straight view from wherever i stand i can see myself in full swing of everything.

I will lie with the same person for the rest of my life, i will love and respect every movement every sound every whatsoever happens. This is mine, and it is as easy as ... love what the fuck you are. Fools know this, babies breath properly.

We're taught from a very young age to worry and stres about the most insignificant minute fucking details about everything. And then we're the first to tell them to toughen up when shit gets rough. Put on this mask i made you at birth, here'ya.

I finally have Escorted Leave with Family this week. And it's Wednesday Tomorrow and i don't know what to do. I'm so extremly excited that i'm panicking. I can now LEAVE when i want with my sister.. and only for a few hours here and there but come ON.

This is me finding my feet again, things are steady... i needed a spring kick in the caboose and now i'm raring with more confidence than ever before.

This is mine, fuck you for ever thinking you ould touch it.
PS. Oh Denis.. i'm in love with you..

It's been a year, a fucking year.


Saturday, January 31, 2009

And on the Sabbath

Only one moment will really stick with me as anything but a bright spark this week.

We had an OP come in to do an In Patient session with us and my Psyche.
On seeing her at first glance, i could not help but assume she was in fact a new patient to the programme. I can not, and will not be the girl that is always looked at as 'had anorexia'. Nor do i want to always be on the verge of recovered and/or break down.

But what i DO want? What i WILL want.. and what i now have discovered about myself, my heart and my true self.

Outweigh the negatives five billion to nolch.
Could have spent the rest of my life telling myself things can and will change. But to change a thought we tend to always fear the fear itself and never the outcome. And fuck, i thought i knew what a change to a chance was. We don't know how to take a chance anymore. Bubblewrapped like signets in a duckrace.

I could pun my way out of a paper bag, seriously.
We can push and push until there is nothing left. Or we can soldier the best possible way

Oh, if you only knew the inside joke right now.

There are some things better left unsaid, for everything else... there's mastercard... and ebay.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Too much Raspberry Tea?

I think not.

Not that this shall be long(How many times can i start a blog that way.... There is a little Pilkington in all of us.)

End of a Wednesday. Sitting perched on my new eggshell matress ("Hope you get a goodnights sleep on your eggcarton i mean shell matress" - Mama) I miss her, no acting.

That's it, no acting. No Fascade. What the hell is the point? For me, about me. With me. Who am i never going to be without? Me, who the hell will i need through the very highest of highs and in those deep dank holes of nowt. Me.

Someone needs the loo.
I'll be sick of that bell sometime during the next few months.
How do i feel like i am progressing?

To explain it to a point.
Today i realized, the feeling i have now... of this...whatever it is.. Happiness(like it's nothing, FOOL i be!) This feeling... is the one i would 'pray' to feel.. when i wasn't here. This is the kind of mood, and thought.. and headspace i wished and wished with all my might that i could have then when i was lying in the same four walls.
Upping my intake again this week.
You guys know how much i appreciate all of you, and one day soon i WILL be able to reply to all. but it's awkward with the timing(blame time.. here.. i don't do anything.. but in some weird sens ei have no time.. there is no time here. different world completely).

Mum has to steal back her laptop as she starts back a school this week.
I've told her the importance of it.. so hopefully she can steals me another one to jot down my bitter ramblings throughout my stay.

After dinner i lay sprawled on m bed.. in the freezing cold room... i begged them to open the blind soi could atleast not freeze my little-that-remains off... 43 degrees outside and i was running out there to get a blast of hot because of how fucking monsterous the Air Con is.

Regaining LIBIDO.
O my, O my indeedy.

Questioned again on purging and dihorettics(who wants to spell that word correctly anyway?)
The answer remains and shall always stay a big whopping No.
No way.
No how.

Not sorry, i am here for my life back. And i see no fucking point in living my life with that Eating Distorted Scu-Wiff mindset and bag o' bones that i have been holding for 12 months plus.
Sure, i'll get me my own eggshell matress.. but moving out, smiling, laughing, nadsy, babies, duke, work, absorbing the knowledge like the wee spongeette i am.. studying.. travveling.. my family, friends, walks, sunshine, all of it........ compared to the what? Benefits of dying?

I was given an amazing book start of second week of treatment.

Don't question, just get it.

Handwriting letters and PVA. Take That/That's Life Crossword Puzzles.. like a CHAMPION!
We had a new girl come in on Tuesday, as i said.. there is no time in here. But you can see bits of her every day. She loves graeme base.

To allow myself to love myself. Honour thyself and such.
I can't explain alot of this, ... jargin.
But i got deep down before this up. Yoga was amazin he other day. Something i can' t wait to really get into once out.

Someting else, is regaining friendships that i have lost. There are some that just break my heart.

From one of my 'closest' friends. Come on, what is that?

Feel free to talk, send me messaes.. texts.. i can't help but fall in love with you all he more i gain that muscle round the beating box itself.. but i don't want to hear or have mentioned anything to do with numbers, or weight in any way.

BOTH my brothers have said "I see you, i see more of my sister.. you look ... a bit more like you".

And yet i did not gain at all this week.

That for me, is a huge achievment in myself. And a HUGE letdown for my body. I need the equality.

Peter. for those reading is the Head honcho of my team. The biggest sweetheart. I don't think i could possibly explain the care i get in here. As much as i sometimes feel completely neglected. They are here to save my life. I was dying. I was letting myself die.. slowly. And very surely.
Simon. is my Psyche that i'd been seeing for the past week. he works here as the IP psyche also.. so thats awesome and a HUGE benefit for me to continue my recovery with soeone that already knows... of my distortion.

Today in Group we were asked to draw ourselves as... animals.
(Before anyone goes jumping ahead. i am in no way sayig i am cured. For all i know tihs is another stage before the war gruffle.. but i have this now.. this stage to dance aroud on.. why bother worrying about what ciuld happen.. fear itself is always what kept me back. fear of the waht ifs.. that distortion isn't gone away.. and here in word form is how i drew it.)

I started with an Eagles Beak. it is a beak, yes? Its wings were first back then i spread them over the half sketched Black leopard that was sitting acorss. just sitting. smaller than the eagle. That was in full flight.fight.
The panther had one cross from an eye, a war wound.
And the other was glaring green. Same shade as the eagles eye.
Above this drawing was two blue butterflies, same size. just above.

I am not striving for perfection. But i am striving.
For whatever something else is. Something.. else.

Yesterday with C*shit, i am going to miss her SO much* We sat in a seperate room doing a relaxtion thing(NOW we're taking rehab tongue!) It was absolutely amazing. I never revelled in that kind of thing enough.. always with the 'what works for some' idea happening.. (pluvvas are angry tonight). But each time i heard 'don't think, that thought.. let it go" without having to be told.. i literally imagined two blue butterflies and i'd let them go.. literally threw a hole in my head... I let them go. Set 'em free and all that.

Why butteflies? But blue.. and in two.
Not s much a partnership, but this is just another moment in my journey.

Nothing more than change, and a thought.


Daddy bought me a beanbag.
BYO chairs to the EDP lounge. Taa.

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