Long ways between each blog. I'm sitting in the lounge on my knees infront of the window with the Oscars on the tele as background sound.
I've found my music again, my hands can't write fast enough and i am feeling so free of ... no, just free.
I am working not only towards a full recovery but also with the problems i have in my day to day life... baby steps have shown me higher views and bounds that are unmanagable in my day to day life...
This place has given me the chance to take care of myself, to even realize that i have to look after myself.
Since last bit and a bitch i have turned the great double two. Barrackaded bedroom doors, running through streamers, baloons up to my eyeballs and then out wiith my best friend the entire day... the Lilliams are in full bloom now, and it smells beyond magical.. Saturday just gone i finally got to sit with my entire family.. in one sitting.. in one room.. at one time.. and that was he best present i could have asked for.
I've realized, along this path that a huge part of my illness and recovery was the fact i am very indecisive. I use to live off the motto 'go off gut instinct'.. 'going off guts' ... till i lost 'em...Literally.
When it comes to making the tiniest decision, the smallest choices.. i beat my brains.
Talking it out i, we, me has come up with some causes of course.
Lack of self esteem, definatly.. helps
But i have always over analyzed, to the point of driving myself into an eating disorder. One thing i must say, for any 'recoverees' -ers or otherwise.. claim back your eating disorder. The best for the moment, worst for the long term thing i could have done was starting to believe my anorexia was something else in me. It is a part of me, it is in my blood.. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, i claim it.. so i can control it.. how can you get rid of something that isn't a part of you?
i am working along side my team to come out brighter and better than ever before, looking towards my future as the woman i feel i am. i've been introduced to someone i know i'll just have as a side pal through life.
I think i can still smell Duke.
I've taken up knitting................who woulda thought ey!!
O Bla Di.
I also went to my good friend Shaboogs twenty first birthday..
all i gotta say is
malibu pineapple and raspberry!!
Spent so much time with my baby sister these past few weeks.. i am up to day 42. For those playing at home, but this .. is only the beginning.. i'm here coz i wanna be here now.. there is no needs no havings and no more bitchings....we move,
to be a rock and not to roll
(this isn't confusing, it's all over the place coz they did a pineapple express stint on the oscars.. i don't even remember hald the shit i wrote.. but i know one lucky lady (miss sonia, m'woman) who will probablyy not mind reading and deciphering this badboy