Sunday, February 22, 2009

couple from few

my butterfly!

Me and Tessa <3> We went out to Wharf Shed for my birthday

Do you like guacamole?

Long ways between each blog. I'm sitting in the lounge on my knees infront of the window with the Oscars on the tele as background sound.

I've found my music again, my hands can't write fast enough and i am feeling so free of ... no, just free.

I am working not only towards a full recovery but also with the problems i have in my day to day life... baby steps have shown me higher views and bounds that are unmanagable in my day to day life...

This place has given me the chance to take care of myself, to even realize that i have to look after myself.

Since last bit and a bitch i have turned the great double two. Barrackaded bedroom doors, running through streamers, baloons up to my eyeballs and then out wiith my best friend the entire day... the Lilliams are in full bloom now, and it smells beyond magical.. Saturday just gone i finally got to sit with my entire family.. in one sitting.. in one room.. at one time.. and that was he best present i could have asked for.

I've realized, along this path that a huge part of my illness and recovery was the fact i am very indecisive. I use to live off the motto 'go off gut instinct'.. 'going off guts' ... till i lost 'em...Literally.

When it comes to making the tiniest decision, the smallest choices.. i beat my brains.
Talking it out i, we, me has come up with some causes of course.
Lack of self esteem, definatly.. helps
But i have always over analyzed, to the point of driving myself into an eating disorder. One thing i must say, for any 'recoverees' -ers or otherwise.. claim back your eating disorder. The best for the moment, worst for the long term thing i could have done was starting to believe my anorexia was something else in me. It is a part of me, it is in my blood.. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, i claim it.. so i can control it.. how can you get rid of something that isn't a part of you?

i am working along side my team to come out brighter and better than ever before, looking towards my future as the woman i feel i am. i've been introduced to someone i know i'll just have as a side pal through life.

I think i can still smell Duke.

I've taken up knitting................who woulda thought ey!!

O Bla Di.
I also went to my good friend Shaboogs twenty first birthday..
all i gotta say is
malibu pineapple and raspberry!!

Spent so much time with my baby sister these past few weeks.. i am up to day 42. For those playing at home, but this .. is only the beginning.. i'm here coz i wanna be here now.. there is no needs no havings and no more bitchings....we move,

to be a rock and not to roll


(this isn't confusing, it's all over the place coz they did a pineapple express stint on the oscars.. i don't even remember hald the shit i wrote.. but i know one lucky lady (miss sonia, m'woman) who will probablyy not mind reading and deciphering this badboy


Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm Yours, Yoda.

Sundays were always my 'day before's'

i.e day before school, day before the working week, day before a menstrual cycle.. i guess
i just associated it with such negative teenage drama crap.

Didn't help that i had the worst job of my life that made me work Sundays.. so when sunday was the 'day of rest' .. i was up and atom at a sparrows fart.

Today proved otherwise, i lazed about in the dark with the other girls.. we're like a dysfunctional family of sorts, with a carer .. mind you. But we love 'em.
Watching hours of devastating footage of towns and families being burnt to crisps and texting friends frantically making sure none of 'em were dead.

Apart from all this, my other spectrum was excited about the excitement the afternoon held for me.. Mum and Dad were gonna be here just after one to pick me up and take me out.. we had planned on coffee and cake but after the swelter-shed yesterday.. and te sudden drop today.. (twenty degrees..are you from Seria!?!) we setteled on Norwegian Ice Cream and a wander round my favourite sea side townships.. Queenscliffe.
It was our 'usual' family thing... Fish and Chips whilst overlooking the Rip at Queenscliffe.
So felt absolute normal and blissful to be there with two of my favourite people lickin' the cold stuff and talking nonsense about everything.

And i could tell they enjoyed the time as much as i.
With the new lot of therapy coming to a close, and the beginning of my fifth week as an In Patient(well im still here and the four week Menu Rotation is back to the beginning.. ill be first to admit.. im sick of the once alright food...but im taking complete advantage of the fact i can now have a decent in between meal out with my family every other day.... ) Things are looking better than gold.

My extreme limitations are being recognized with an eager brow lift, and i am stopping in tracks to make direct turns in the opposite or slightly obscure other direction.......

Things is gonna be okay.
All i really know.. is that the reality is never as scary... as the fear of reality itself.

Yes, Yoda... Yes

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wide Eyed Wondering

First Escorted Family Leave "for the in betweens" Today.

The whole story went, we haven't been having sessions or classes in ages. This to me felt more like a weight gain programme than anything else.. but i love the sessions with Simon and Mich.

But this week just so happened that some sessions were back (as in on the sheet, not so much following through with said sessions). I'm sittinng up all perky in my bed of lambs wool and eggshell matress awaiting the nightly meds. One of the girls is flying the coop tomorrow but not so much panicking because... well.. 'she'll be back in 10 days'. I really want her to find her wings. Spread those wings.. and choof off. She needs to, to see what the other side is like without he safety net. But that is her, that is just her.

We don't fight these things, they're not ours for the fighting.

The session was ON.
The session was CANCELED.

The sessions was ON.

I'd already organised for me and Tessa to go into town. Spur of the moment. I wouldn't have gone otherwise. I would have kept it at arms length until i just didn't have the balls to do it at all. But i did. And it was wonderful. We just scoped around the city. Ran into an old flame. Not literally, but i've dreamt about it.. and it was so close to becoming reality that i almost forced it upon onself to make the extra jump to becoming a bit more real.

Still, it was so intense and still so heart beating.

This weekend i am going out with Bronwyn and on the Sunday i'll go out with my parents.

There is so much freedom and love tha i am yet to even meet at the gates... i get tastes now though, i wake up smiling.. and as i've said and written over and over again... it's the feeling i use to wait for... i stopped waiting.. i definately stopped assuming it was never gonna come.. and i realized it was always there by stage right just waiting for my secret foot-stomp so she'd comme charging out arms flailing and all tits and teeth.

I have made some slight movements towards my outside world already, things i want to do and need to do. Things i would just love and loath.

I spent a mini jackpot with Tessa today, probably the only girl in an eating disorders clinic to hide chocolate in her handbag. I'm not going to pretend to be somebody i'm not.. but having said that i'm also not going to grind my teeth to the jawline when people assume (come we all know the assing out of u and me, nobody wants that now) that i am wearing my masquarade for better times.

For better and for worse, there is a mama inside me ready to tinker away.

And there are far too many marking si am yet to see so solid on my own flesh and bone.

My duke needs his Mother back, and everything is going to alright.

Alright, aim higher than before.. but keep it in reach. It IS in your reach, it's how far forward you're willing to go to hold it and call it yours.

"i shall call it squishy and it shall be my squishy".

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Lonely Ride on Bucket Five

It has been quite a while since i've actually been bothered enough to type anything worthy.
Since that helluva black-out adventure when all hell and heather broke lose with hospital beds being moved into beer gardens and wheelchair races down the corridoors.

I see more and more of my real life now. With each passing day.
Sleep ins and being in charge of self.

There was obviously a snap decision when i realized THIS is not what i wanted out of life. There was a point in time where i had plans, and fucking brilliant plans might i add to be somewhere doing something I wanted to do, somewhere i wanted to be when i was twenty one going on twenty two.
There needed to be an abusive hiccup along the way to scu-wiff my actions.

If we look at things with a negative nancy perspective, guess what? It will gather every bit of evidence it has against you and throw it in your face. Proving once again, that mind matters.

I sat on my bed breathing as deep into my core as physically possible, which from a menthol-smokers point of view... is pretty damn far. Our Yoga .. Our LADY Yoga has been taken away from us. After writing a specifically mature and sensible letter to management about the way we as patients felt this programme was being run was taken on the chin.. to them... but in saying tha something we hell enjoy, such as our darling yoga has been yanked away!

So who can complain, my beautiful Tessa bought down my baby Last night after dinner for me to see... not in his HOME environment but most definately with his Mamm.
We got to kiss and cuddle while the brat shook and shuddered at every movement. But i got to see his wide eyes. Big Pupils and all.

Some specific decisions have been drawn up in rough greyled and rubber form for future plans.
This is not no time for factual evidence... just a space and void to fill before we scoop on back to get-bettersville. Aint about noo intake nor situated on the outake.

But definately wanting myself to love again, I believe this could be the 'bad day' i was talking about.

part from these ridges in the paper i am so happy. I'm happy.
People love stomping on my happiness, waiting for me to snap. "give it a week... okay give it two.... mine came on the fifth week". Please don't put me in the same fucking basket as you. Unlike the rest of nature i want to get better, infact i can literally SEE myself as better. In straight view from wherever i stand i can see myself in full swing of everything.

I will lie with the same person for the rest of my life, i will love and respect every movement every sound every whatsoever happens. This is mine, and it is as easy as ... love what the fuck you are. Fools know this, babies breath properly.

We're taught from a very young age to worry and stres about the most insignificant minute fucking details about everything. And then we're the first to tell them to toughen up when shit gets rough. Put on this mask i made you at birth, here'ya.

I finally have Escorted Leave with Family this week. And it's Wednesday Tomorrow and i don't know what to do. I'm so extremly excited that i'm panicking. I can now LEAVE when i want with my sister.. and only for a few hours here and there but come ON.

This is me finding my feet again, things are steady... i needed a spring kick in the caboose and now i'm raring with more confidence than ever before.

This is mine, fuck you for ever thinking you ould touch it.
PS. Oh Denis.. i'm in love with you..

It's been a year, a fucking year.


Saturday, January 31, 2009

And on the Sabbath

Only one moment will really stick with me as anything but a bright spark this week.

We had an OP come in to do an In Patient session with us and my Psyche.
On seeing her at first glance, i could not help but assume she was in fact a new patient to the programme. I can not, and will not be the girl that is always looked at as 'had anorexia'. Nor do i want to always be on the verge of recovered and/or break down.

But what i DO want? What i WILL want.. and what i now have discovered about myself, my heart and my true self.

Outweigh the negatives five billion to nolch.
Could have spent the rest of my life telling myself things can and will change. But to change a thought we tend to always fear the fear itself and never the outcome. And fuck, i thought i knew what a change to a chance was. We don't know how to take a chance anymore. Bubblewrapped like signets in a duckrace.

I could pun my way out of a paper bag, seriously.
We can push and push until there is nothing left. Or we can soldier the best possible way

Oh, if you only knew the inside joke right now.

There are some things better left unsaid, for everything else... there's mastercard... and ebay.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Too much Raspberry Tea?

I think not.

Not that this shall be long(How many times can i start a blog that way.... There is a little Pilkington in all of us.)

End of a Wednesday. Sitting perched on my new eggshell matress ("Hope you get a goodnights sleep on your eggcarton i mean shell matress" - Mama) I miss her, no acting.

That's it, no acting. No Fascade. What the hell is the point? For me, about me. With me. Who am i never going to be without? Me, who the hell will i need through the very highest of highs and in those deep dank holes of nowt. Me.

Someone needs the loo.
I'll be sick of that bell sometime during the next few months.
How do i feel like i am progressing?

To explain it to a point.
Today i realized, the feeling i have now... of this...whatever it is.. Happiness(like it's nothing, FOOL i be!) This feeling... is the one i would 'pray' to feel.. when i wasn't here. This is the kind of mood, and thought.. and headspace i wished and wished with all my might that i could have then when i was lying in the same four walls.
Upping my intake again this week.
You guys know how much i appreciate all of you, and one day soon i WILL be able to reply to all. but it's awkward with the timing(blame time.. here.. i don't do anything.. but in some weird sens ei have no time.. there is no time here. different world completely).

Mum has to steal back her laptop as she starts back a school this week.
I've told her the importance of it.. so hopefully she can steals me another one to jot down my bitter ramblings throughout my stay.

After dinner i lay sprawled on m bed.. in the freezing cold room... i begged them to open the blind soi could atleast not freeze my little-that-remains off... 43 degrees outside and i was running out there to get a blast of hot because of how fucking monsterous the Air Con is.

Regaining LIBIDO.
O my, O my indeedy.

Questioned again on purging and dihorettics(who wants to spell that word correctly anyway?)
The answer remains and shall always stay a big whopping No.
No way.
No how.

Not sorry, i am here for my life back. And i see no fucking point in living my life with that Eating Distorted Scu-Wiff mindset and bag o' bones that i have been holding for 12 months plus.
Sure, i'll get me my own eggshell matress.. but moving out, smiling, laughing, nadsy, babies, duke, work, absorbing the knowledge like the wee spongeette i am.. studying.. travveling.. my family, friends, walks, sunshine, all of it........ compared to the what? Benefits of dying?

I was given an amazing book start of second week of treatment.

Don't question, just get it.

Handwriting letters and PVA. Take That/That's Life Crossword Puzzles.. like a CHAMPION!
We had a new girl come in on Tuesday, as i said.. there is no time in here. But you can see bits of her every day. She loves graeme base.

To allow myself to love myself. Honour thyself and such.
I can't explain alot of this, ... jargin.
But i got deep down before this up. Yoga was amazin he other day. Something i can' t wait to really get into once out.

Someting else, is regaining friendships that i have lost. There are some that just break my heart.

From one of my 'closest' friends. Come on, what is that?

Feel free to talk, send me messaes.. texts.. i can't help but fall in love with you all he more i gain that muscle round the beating box itself.. but i don't want to hear or have mentioned anything to do with numbers, or weight in any way.

BOTH my brothers have said "I see you, i see more of my sister.. you look ... a bit more like you".

And yet i did not gain at all this week.

That for me, is a huge achievment in myself. And a HUGE letdown for my body. I need the equality.

Peter. for those reading is the Head honcho of my team. The biggest sweetheart. I don't think i could possibly explain the care i get in here. As much as i sometimes feel completely neglected. They are here to save my life. I was dying. I was letting myself die.. slowly. And very surely.
Simon. is my Psyche that i'd been seeing for the past week. he works here as the IP psyche also.. so thats awesome and a HUGE benefit for me to continue my recovery with soeone that already knows... of my distortion.

Today in Group we were asked to draw ourselves as... animals.
(Before anyone goes jumping ahead. i am in no way sayig i am cured. For all i know tihs is another stage before the war gruffle.. but i have this now.. this stage to dance aroud on.. why bother worrying about what ciuld happen.. fear itself is always what kept me back. fear of the waht ifs.. that distortion isn't gone away.. and here in word form is how i drew it.)

I started with an Eagles Beak. it is a beak, yes? Its wings were first back then i spread them over the half sketched Black leopard that was sitting acorss. just sitting. smaller than the eagle. That was in full flight.fight.
The panther had one cross from an eye, a war wound.
And the other was glaring green. Same shade as the eagles eye.
Above this drawing was two blue butterflies, same size. just above.

I am not striving for perfection. But i am striving.
For whatever something else is. Something.. else.

Yesterday with C*shit, i am going to miss her SO much* We sat in a seperate room doing a relaxtion thing(NOW we're taking rehab tongue!) It was absolutely amazing. I never revelled in that kind of thing enough.. always with the 'what works for some' idea happening.. (pluvvas are angry tonight). But each time i heard 'don't think, that thought.. let it go" without having to be told.. i literally imagined two blue butterflies and i'd let them go.. literally threw a hole in my head... I let them go. Set 'em free and all that.

Why butteflies? But blue.. and in two.
Not s much a partnership, but this is just another moment in my journey.

Nothing more than change, and a thought.


Daddy bought me a beanbag.
BYO chairs to the EDP lounge. Taa.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009



FREEDOM! In the shape of unlocked bathroom.
Another day, done. Another gone?
Not gone, just simplified into a memory… not so much put away for safe keeps but I am no longer on that ladder anymore… up to the next step

What another beautiful day.. Yoga with Pauline, honestly is the best medicine. Relaxation. Beautiful dinner, gorgeous new girl in IP.


You could see the other girls tense up, act stupid. Get louder. I was embarrassed but, somewhat understood why. Their Eating Disorders are showing very bright.

I am willing to acknowledge that I am not ready for whole freedom. But I am looking forward to it. And that, in itself is a massive. MASSIVE achievement for me. And I am ever so proud.
I’ll call it in a night soon. But I realize.

I am happy, there is a genuine lightness in my chest.
Not literally, no need to hit panic stations.

A clear mind, an even clearer view. But for now, it is there. That clearness. That positivity.
Look how far I have come in six months, in a negative aspect perhaps.
Look how far I shall go in the next six months, one day, five hours, two weeks.. whatever it is. I can see it. And that is the most amazing feeling for me.

I am myself, for myself.
I don’t want to feel weak, I don’t want to second guess my body. That is not what getting better is about. Recovery goes hand in hand with self awareness and nurturing oneself. I want to love myself for everything I’m worth. And I feel I really do see that now. I second guess, of course. And that’s why I know my Eating Disorder is still strong. But I never gave myself enough credit.

How strong one can be, once being let to walk alone.

Peter is proud of my achievements. I may have lost but there is no restriction, no fights. No fear. Fearing what exactly? That whole time? Worthiness Lauren. Aligning Self Worth with satisfaction in the body. How much a thought… a thought.. can change.
And I let it go, it was blue.. and it was a butterfly. I literally let them fly away. I know Simon is in tomorrow, all of the day. EDP session and Whole Ward session. I have to remember that he delves into my ‘stop touching my psyche’ for a reason. He wants to help. What does HE gain by purposely trying to hurt my feelings? These are the things I must be wary of. Not even wary, just aware that… it is not rational. Be in trust. Be yourself. Honestly, you’ve come so far already.
I am so proud of myself.


(i don't, and won't be mentioning numbers throughout my posts. It is that decimal point .. that held me at hells gate for so long. i don't want to or need to mention it... or think about it, this is not the reason of my recovery. just the basic lifeline i handed over to the clinic two weeks ago... i am here for what i can do. what i can achieve.. and what i can not do.

i am happy now,
shit oath i'll have cracker bad days.
but that, is all.

And what bette rplace to be. Than one of the only Eating Disorder Specific Clinics in Victoria?Where i HAVE the support of professionals. Where i no longer let go of the lead and let that bastard squeel at my loved ones.

I'm only here.

We share so much common ground, without the words of each said journey.
Remarkable the people, the sunshine.. there is a feeling of 'safe entrapment'.
But i will never call it home, merely another realm of my life as of today, yester, nigh and nonsense.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Tinker & Tantrum says She


Saturday Morning. Another nights sleep, i was hoping it was just going to happen. And it did.

So this is what two solid weeks of insanity feels like?

Not sure how much i will pour out(Tessa, i know they're long but i try to jam it all in, in one mean swoop!.. STOP COMPLAING LAZY! - XXX) It's before Breakfast and .. Well i finished Twilight last night. Nadsy and the lot were so mesmirized? by the story. And 'jus couldn't put it down'. Whether it be the fact my body has been keeling. Or the fact i am seen as nothing but an Eating Disorder(which is ED screaming for attention.. yet again.)

Lauren - 21 - Alright

Ed - 4 - Little Bastard.. probably with a blonde bowl cut.

Last night we had Sing Star on. After a bad day i wanted to pick up the mood. I TOUCH MYSELF - THE DIVINYLS. Track one down, man i thought i could sing. Mum lied! Dammit! I hit so many 'awfuls'.. it should be called 'that's why we didn't call this game self-esteem-star'

I have decided that i will no longer go stressing my mind out to tell you all the little stories.

My anorexia is creeping into my life harder and deeper with every fight we all put up(the team' and i.) I will have my up's and downs. I will have my days where i punch walls, burn up into nothing, laugh so hard i almost pee.... and conveniantly won't be able to have a nurse close by to unlock my door.

I'm experiencing this amazing utter fucking amazing time. And i'm more worried about letting the world know. I want something 'else' to come out of this. But i am stressing so much about lettig you all know. That i'm not stopping to just revel in the moment. (Complete contradiction considering most the classes latey are all about living in the now, present "MINDFULNESS".

I didn't realize how long i would be in here. But learning things.. such as i am apparently the most ill anorexia patient(I'VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS HALF ARSED. WHY DID I HAVE TO CHOOSE SOMETHING LETHAL TO BE SO GOOD AT!?) Always trying to impress, aren't you Disordered little bitch? Comparison, is it's passion. However, being in here.. i can see out there.....

Never was gonna be a vice versa, we use to drive past and i'd flip this building off so bad.

So, the dial ins to these pages will be less often. but i am scrawlign down what i want. I'm writing for me. I have to start, actually following my words. Not cowering over my patterns.

I'll write for me. When fore me. How for me.

But with saying that.

I couldn't be more thankful to the lot of you. Be it my true harts or the other ones cross the oceans. Thank you for your bottomless support. I don't know why i ever felt lke i had to prove myself by seeing how many ribs i could count through 4 layers of clothing. I didn't want this to happen. but it did. And on one hand, i am so thankful.

Because for the rest of my life - this is just a nick in the shave.
Just a patter in the journey, another journey..

I told them Unchained Melody was going to make me cry!
Damn Womens!

Love yoo all.


I'm Homesick.




Baby Duck. My Duke. My Duchess.
I hate that i did this to him.
I hope he still recognises me when i see him,
i hope he's so happy

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Utter Mindfulness




"Underwear... is a basic.. human.. right!"

Isla Fischer.. how cute.

I use to be beautiful. ED hated me. Something hated me. Something told me i wasn't good enough. For anything.

First. I didn't deserve food...
then it was sleep...
now it's pissing...

She came in through the locked up bathroom

I'm sorry for blogging when the head is in a different space.
But in saying that, i'm not sorry at all. Because if you're reading this, for whatever reason you are. Then the journey to the outer is all the REAL fun, right?

Therapizing the Therapist about Therapy and Brain Thoughts.
Missing my home.

My Star Sign sums me up today actually; i can see my Anorexia has been so loud lately, that it fooled me into believeing it just wasn't there. But what better place to make a mistake. Where i am surrounded by support, both friends. The type of friends i'll never need to remind that they mean the world to me. No Cultism that i thought was going to be the case. Frustration goes away slowly. Comes creeping back only to remind me that i am here because of that voice, that thought. Whatever it is. It's there. And i'm here to dull him to a forever humming blub in the background. Barely a stutter. Only a shaddow of what once was, to remind me of every days.


Mum, thanks for letting me cry down the phone to you.
After the hang up 63 came in to see how i was, lock the door and say goodnight. She also reminded me that nurses are here to take the place of you for a while. And i feel terrible for not being able to fight the finger to the keypad at 10.30 every night. Just hearing your voice is a reminder how little and how far away you are.... baby steps Mum. I'm going to be alright.
I'm going to be better than alright. I promise.
You never have to worry about anything, ever again. I couldn't ever possibly have conjured up a more beautiful woman to ever aspire to.
I am helping others as well as myself mum. It fights the fight to remind me how Selfish i feel being here.

I spend so much time worrying about not telling everyone the amazing stories and journeys i'm experiencing here. The laughs, from a woman who has just had her Brain electrified because no drug can stop her from wanting to Kill Herself. Failure to kill herself had her in even deeper depression because she couldn't even 'do that right'. But to hear that same woman genuinely laugh... and my forcing.. of sorts. "Do you like horses" and hear her and SEE her eyes light up telling me what kid of horses she likes. And how she feels when she listens to Enya. See... i get to see that. And for that moment, that bastard shuts up so i can hear this womans cry out.

She snores though... fuck does she snore.

Only one more day of Bucket-Wars.

So here it is.

- Imagine a world in which there was no "you". Imagine being absent. Imagine eveeyrone else etting on with their business, vaguely stopping to remembe ryou from time to time... but generally too caught up in their own lives to think about yours. What's that? You don't have to imagine it? You feel so ignored or overlooked in one key area of life that you are beginning to doubt your own existence? Breath back out agai. And then step forward to make the difference. Because through your very presence, you now can do that. -

So i think i need to keep some of these memories, as memories .
Keep something to yourself Lauren. It's good for YOU to grow. Give to you what you deserve.
What do YOU want.

Do what YOU want.
If you can give all your strength and shove into something o-so cruel. Oh so real?
Imagine what the feck you can do in the real world! Imagine the damage you can REALLY do!!!

I have lists again!! LISTS!!
I love me a good list.
I have aspirations, i just gotta know what it is that gets me out of this hole. And into another.

He told me yesterday,
it is VERY rare. For First and Only Admissions.

And it took hours before i had a comeback worthy.
Well, i've always seen myself as being quite rare.....

Soon i will no longer even have Net access.. maybe this is the last peep into the eyes of the be/ed-holder.

I think too much about thinking. Valium Knights, in my head.

(If locking a toilet/bathroom.. if measuring my piss... can make me better.. i'll be doing it for as long as i need..)

If staying here for another 300 days, minutes, hours, months, weeks makes me better... i'm not going to fight it... anorexia nervosa that is.
It's boring, and lets face it.... you're sick'o reading about it.. i'm sick 'o talking about it.

If anyone comes in, down the track.. maybe a month. Give it a month. I want people to unnoticabley.. ot be told.. but notice the change in me. IN me people....
I never wanted to be healthy, i wanted to be skinny.
Because some runt, some waste of tattooed skin.. urgh, had the personality disorder of a Rock(not even a fucking pebble.) Told me i wasn't good enough. Told me his weight HAhahahaha before he even told me his middle name...what a fucking joke you are.
Boring sod of a beast. Not "worthy" of the ie. no more. "soz."

I love you babies (it's been a good day, coz i see myself getting better.)
Classes/Sessions/Timetables include.
Yoga Sessions, to make me beautiful.
Nutritional Factings and lessons, to scrap the magazine 'facts'.

Carbohydrates people. The only source of fuel for the fucking brain.

pricks tell us it makes us fat.

The women i aspire to follow, not be... all curves and beauty, brains and batter.
I make this strong connection with my weight, both outside and in with men. This is an underlying law in my head. I'll find out why. But this is fucking bullshit. Women care more about women than men care about women and size.
Size, Weight. Let's shut pandoras box tonight.

See you in a few.
You beautiful darlinghearts. I love you all.
My heart is getting big enough to fit you all in!!


OLIVE YOU. - Shell.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

You can turn it off, lucky bastards.

Wednesday Morning. Another one, could sickly find myself getting use to this feeling. Dependency issues from day one, from the girl who was very much too afraid to press the green nurses button.. not wanting to interrupt and almost breaking her bowels.
I tell myself, you know. I remind myself he’s still there.
Whilst lying through my gritted teeth to the bag o’ bones I see in the mirror before me. “I’m not even that skinny.”Cliché as it sounds for an Eating Disordered Heed. It is not sincere. I know I am skinny, hello my name is Rational Lauren and I am an Anorexic. My Anorexia does not, and will not let me acknowledge he fact that I know I am Skinny. Because I love hearing just how thin I am. It’s an accomplishment for me. And professionals know that.

- Why did I put the tiniest pair of shorts on yesterday, sure… 40 degrees outside. Seems quite normal really. On the outside. In here it should have, was probably.. and I would have noted it. Why did I do that, why did I feel the need to show people just what I have done to myself. What I can do and have put my body through.
- Keep staring, I feed from that.
- I am here because without me, what are you? WHO are you? WHERE are you?
- And so to conclude, at not even six thirty. Not falling back asleep after asking the nurse if I could pee. “Am I still doing the bucket thing” – Danger. I shall sit here. I shall write. Not by hand, not yet. This isn’t easier. But I should have realized.
I was getting overly frustrated that I was missing the grimiest and most insane details of my journey in these pastel gum like walls. I don’t wanna miss a thing, If Aerosmith can say it with meaning. So can I.

They haven’t come back to lock my door yet. They will. I almost feel bad, having it open. Not a temptation. But here I go again(On my own – urgh.. I hate you White Snake.) “I don’t want them to think I was…” And so on and so forth.
I don’t want them to think…They probably think..
I don’t want to take any of their time..Think Think Thunked Thanked Thenk. Drawing far too many comparisons between Male Accept, I say male. Acceptance at all really. And Worthyness. Why do I want to impress the nurses? I feel that is ‘me’ coming through. Though having to bunny-ear ‘me’ is quite a contradiction In itself really. I don’t know when I am ‘me’ enough to claim when it is infact ‘me’ (As Lauren, Not ED.) Talking. I’ve never been able to give mine a name, ED I associate with my father. Perhaps an underlying saga in itself.. somewhere.. deep in the dank bad docks of Eating Disorderland. I don’t want to be personalized with such a bastard(ED, not Ed.) Still, what better place for me to question my insanity than from where I lie my head this morn.

Where was I? (You can’t blame me, I’ve only just come to the realization that perhaps not everybody is against me. Perhaps pissing in a bucket could cure a disease or two.. of the literal kind.)

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, ‘so, this is the life.’But what is life? Oh George Harrison, you ask…so much of me. I want to please, I want people to know that I am genuine. Pure soft example. Being right now. Just over half hour ago I lay here waiting for sun up before I could piss. Many reasons, many qualms. An ordinary. A normie. Someone not living with an Eating Disorder. Anorexia. This Smug Prick. Would have just swung the legs to the side of ‘em and gone to the loo. No thinking. I had to think ahead, didn’t i? I’ll try and break that one down. Dot Points always help.
- I need to pee- It’s only another couple till handover, I can wait- Alright, I really gotta go… maybe I’ll go on the computer to waste time(I can get lost. Era and a lifetime.)
- Shit Lauren, just buzz the fricken nurse.Maybe I’ll just piss he bed. Maybe then they’ll ask me how I’m going. - Wow Lauren, and you tell me you’re stronger than it. - Am I talking to myself. - Alright, breath deep… and press…- No, it’s okay, I can wait. - I thought we were listening to our body.- MY body….. I’m sure that’s what you meant. (We are given an egg in Primary School to nurture. To watch, to keep safe. We will go to great lengths to make sure no harm comes to that egg. Little did I know, there was no actual Baby in that egg… I never, let harm become associated with that egg. That egg was the safest egg in the world that day……..The Moral to this story?

I won’t even pee when I need to…worried for what they’d think, wasting their time, waking other patients.. ‘real’ patience. I would rather have that feeling of tight, heat, pain because I’ve had to hold on for so long… than just listening to my body. So unlike the egg… a thought has already harmed my egg… which, in the situation like it is… could make or break the fact I may never know true nurture.

Juno reminds me all I ever wanted was to be a Mother, and at that very same time I am wondering what the professionals think I am thinking. I am wondering why they want me to take Valium. (Am I that bad, they want to dull me out? I’m wasting their time aren’t i) Completely ED. (I am destined to re name him. I don’t like association. . . “you remind me of…” “you look like”… I MUST stop doing that. It’s on the list.) I was so against Valium. Without stopping and thinking about it, I told them that was indepencey. I told them that was ‘me’ speaking ‘my mind’. Lauren, you daft woman.. your mind is ED. With all the carbs your body craved, with each time you neglected the poor Grey Matter and Cerebral Cortex of that glorious plant like glory.. you lost a bit more of you. The thing you think thinks for you. So don’t ever ask why you don’t have control. That, in itself.. is distorted. We You know why.

As I was saying. First Food. Then Sleeping. Now Pissing. What else shall I, IT, HIM, ED.. deprive me of before I decide to get better. (It is, afterall.. a decision. Lauren Decision.)“Do you WANT to get better?” – Probably one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been confronted with in my entire life. I can joke about, I can say I miss Sushi till I’m blue in the face and balls I tell everyone I have (HIM by the balls…. I’m not claiming to be a Transvestite… though with the lack of boobs, I wouldn’t second guess me either.)

“If I NEED Valium to help me have a good night sleep”(She proclaims, as she sits baggy eyed and sedated at 6.41AM) THEN I’LL HAVE THE FUCKING VALIUM TO HELP ME SLEEP.Did I ever stop and think, shit… what would THEY gain, being as against me as I THINK they are?
I can’t write straight when I’m at my most awake. So this is as clear as it’s gonna get. I refuse to apologise for my writing. Probably the only thing I can honestly say… this is me. Because as much as I kick and scream and protest so much… ED is part of me. One day I will, … one day I will.. DECIDE to turn him down. And use him to my advantage.. Like the gimp it is. But right now, especially in here… with that feeling of hollow aloneness… I need him more than anything in the world. Because this great big sea aint no place for an orphaned carnival goldfish.
I was actually onto something before, excited about getting it out. I type because my hand can no longer keep up. With the mention of Valium, (like I’m addicted before even taking it, right?) My brain is moving ten million reels over, over, over, wait….no.. it’s still going. And I know, I deserve a break. But in saying that. I want to remember every single crazy little thing called.. recovery.And sadly, ED (“I’d rather have proof of my trackings and be miserable, tired, irritated, sick, ill and silent…and remember everything…. Than healthy, recouperated, rested and well… and feel deprived for only being able to experience my story… and feel sorry.. again I wanna please. Somebody, anybody. For anyone not being able to be in my boots(which happen to be of the Ugg variety these days..) and know … Attention got me here. I don’t like to be stared at, but even turn your head from him. And he’ll put on the tiniest pair of shorts and saunter infront of you to gain any kind of repore.. any kind of acknowledgment… to know it’s real. And you can kick, point, blame and hate as much as you want Lauren…. But this key you here so much about.. of moderation, of life, of grails and bathroom doors… in the hand of but one mean, cruel…killer…..Who you don’t need. In reality. Rational knows that.

But until you eat up (me hearty, yo ho) You will not, shall not… and do not “DESERVE” to be I charge..
If that means buzzing a nurse to take a slash. So be it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Sheer Bliss and Common XB

Day 9
20.01.09How much a day can change. A lifetime in here, i forget that beyond the border is the street so often traveled. Especially on our wee journeys to "the land of k".Ward Round didn't go... my way. For anyone keeping up with my journaling. I am now using this as a way of venting my anger. Which DIDN'T work last night. I showed more than my true feathers. Deciding that a beautiful peacock needed to be branded fair deep into my flesh. But i can see myself avoiding anything pointie after leaving here.

(Though i am on first name basis with most of the Gribbles Ladies).Without sounding nuts(HA, really? Get it... ?) I couldn't think of a more beautiful place to be. I have lasted the week i set out to be. One day at a time. There is too much to mention in a blog. I am experiencing this. And the fear of forgetting the most minimal of stories SCARES me. They are worried that i am pissing too much. "Too Much".

Re-Feeding syndrome is one of the biggest setbacks for recovering anorexics. Or many eating disorders actually. Electrolytes in the blood 'spasm' and can cause high blood spikes and drops. Thus eventuating premature deaths due to Heart Attacks and other heart related problems. It really is very complicated.(Why was i so afraid of me? If for the pas week i have been 'protesting' that THIS IS ME, NOT MY ED. THIS IS LAUREN.) What a laugh. In all that, i was being flopped about, raggy doll style by my Eating Disorder.

My Psyche is standing outside of my door at present. The man in charge of this entire ward. I hit it last night. Well i booted the first layering of the bastard bottom bricks. The Wall.he sets you up for a bitch of a traumatic fall. Either you set yourself up all proper and proud on this edge. Or you climb, and it isn't until you are in reach that he starts stabbing your fingers with a spork. (we need more of those round here. Though watching an Eating Disordered Patient eating yogurt with a fork .. then giving up and just using her mouth was hilarious.)

I can't explain the friendships i've made here. For life. I am not lonely, says Lauren. If you do somewhere. In the most UNselfishly tone possible DO feel sorry for me. Don't. Not yet, because it has been us three for just over a week now. And i feel sorry for anyone not been given the chance to experience this. The friendships, the noises, the voices and the Valium, no really Valium?.I am not alone. I am at battle with the most evil of bastards. He lets you believe you are free.When i warned you of the manipulation.

I thought i heard my voice. I was trying so hard, SO hard. To eat when told, do everything by THEIR cards.And still i must press the fucking buzzer to ask to go to the loo. Embaressing. Soi wouldn't ask. Everything is magnified so of COURSE it looks like i piss alot. Especially when we are under watch before and after meals. On going jokes. Anybody... anybody... anybody... I kicked chairs. I stole Vegemite. I stole Sugar. "what the fuck are they gonna do NOT LET ME HAVE DESSERT!?"I am here for two reasons.I sat their at lunchtime. She looked at me nervously, SHE FINISHED HER MEAL BECAUSE SHE SAW ME FINISH MINE. "IF LAUREN CAN DO IT".

This feeling, this overwhelming ... heartening feeling... fuck... I helped.I am here for more than one reason. Gaining but more than independence. For the timing and the presence. The fear. I am under the greatest of care."THEYRE MAKING ME PISS IN A FUCKING JUG"Lauren, did you ever just think... maybe their could be something the matter? Maybe they ARE looking out for your best interests?I showed my true colours, and now i cut through each tendon. With the determination. The gutter bitter strength to move on. 5

0,000 thoughts a day. Eighty per cent of those thoughts have already happened... HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED.. We worry mostly about things that are literally.. fucking.. unchangable... And then we spend the rest of the time worrying about how we can make sure things don't happen like that again.
You can tell i'm in a psychiatric ward, can't you?

If the Valium helps me sleep. I'll take the fucking Valium.
Sounds reasonable.

Dear Lauren. Lashinal.
Please listen to your words.
And you tell me you're getting better.
-Rational Lauren Aged 4

"Sender: Lauren McManus, Crazytown."X

I'd recomened ... this.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Meat Petals Bloom in a Bone Garden

Day 6. (Aint no god, no ghost, gonna save you now.)

She sells souls at the side of the road.
Would you like to take a number?
I'm on that highway.

Not long now.
Not for my exit, but for my real entrance into the world. I have not had one day of recovery. I know that now. I am finding this far too 'easy' for a reason.
People can not judge me here. People can not give me a list of what is and is not going to happen. The journey that seperates us from them. From me to them, from you to me.
This is such a beautiful place for realization, no matter what that be. Last nights banishments.
- You don't need to be here, no no.. look where your head is at.- Speak o' the devil, ED starts pokin' about when very least expected.- How many people can say they almost died at twenty one?- How many people can fall asleep happy.. in a psychiatric ward?- You don't need to get better. People MISS you, ED.. still drawing that line of self acknowledgement and self pity.
I've had to tell my family and friends not to visit me. It's a convenience. For me and them, 'living' so close to home. I am a stonesthrow from my village. From my blood. I live with people that have to make STD calls just to TALK with their mother. I realize i'm lucky. I also realize thats the fucking reason i am not finding this fight hard. Change of routine is fucking incredible. I handed over my keys whole heartedly. Even reading back to the first day of my stay in IP. This is the most amazing place i could ever be. For my health and head. We are learning tactics. They don't just feed you up. It was never about the food(really.. people are incredibly naive to think that any disorder has but one seed.) It's not that i don't want to see anyone, believe me ED bashed me good the first few days.. "selfish fucking bitch haha, that's m'girl. you push 'em away.. this is a holiday!! you'll have visitors everyday and people CARE about yu while you're here! i care about you! This is going to be such a wonderful life. "
No, no.. i need... i want the fight. "You can't be as thin(they don't use the word skinny) as you are and NOT have such a strong ED voice." - M.
You know why i find this so cruel? Why do i think i'm so strong? And why do i pick up my knife and fork 6 times a day and just smile and do what they tell me? Why... because my eating disorder is stronger now than it ever has been. And this could be the shit hitting the fan. This could be the wall we've all been waiting for. I need to miss my family. I need to have something to fucking fight for. My life is my life. But you know what else? I want to do nothing. I haven't had one day of being alone here. Fuck that i know that tomorrow Mum and Dad will be here for Ward Round and i'm not... disappointed but i am just.. this is a fucking holiday at the moment.
The stories i've fucking been told? I am not allowed to pick up my own nephew! I got in trouble for hugging my nephew....Nothing to do with nowt but ... it's hard. Noone deserves to think this much about nothing. Not-Thing. No-Thing. I feel selfish because i want to be left alone. To get better. I'm not going to apologise for saying such a thing. Although believe me i want to grovel at your feet. But i can not. I can not apologise for my own sanity. For my own health. If i had something to feel bad for. It's because i hurt so many people along the way. Anorexia makes you very, very cruel. When i use this word., i mean it with everything in my heart.
Anorexia Rapes. Of everything that you are, i don't even know if right now.. this is me or my eating disorder. And now that it be mentioned. I will be in thought about it, or will i? Is this because it's that dreaded Sunday evening? The one i always avoided in reality?
I love my family, i love my friends. I love them so much that i don't want to apologise to you. I don't want to sit their crying because my mum didn't text me. Because this prick.. this bastard tells me that i am not worthy of a visit nor a text message from my own mother. Anorexia has a love list too you know. ("I'm back to my listings!" she says, says Lauren.) Attention? It doesn't feed, it fucking bleeds off attention. You know what it does? That puppet Master? It tells you everyhting you want to here. It rapes you from the inside out. Sleeps against you, holds you and touches you in all the right places. It gives you the hand to glide along your stick thin frame. It tells you thats beautiful. It lets... it makes you believe that what you see, is the most perfect way to live. Because that is beauty. It doesn't care what you feel. It doesn't care that your Cerebelum is at moosh and grime stage. It kills you. So deeply. And then tells you to come back to bed. It holds and gags you. It batters and bruises you. But you know who you are, don't you?
Walk to your nearest childhood photo. The one that makes you smile. Pick that photo up and look at it. Look at it like you always do. Now brutalize it.... give it everything and nothing. Shove that self into the corner and kick it in the guts. Rape it of everything it once was. Give it the world and cut that little girls face. Watch it suffer, don't look away. Because ED loves that little girl. In my case, EDs failure is to not have that little girl anymore. If ED wins... that little girl is left bleeding from every orifice in a room full of staring eyes. And you know what... that is the most rational thing i have ever written. That's an Eating Disorder. That's my ED.
Hate my ED.
Don't let me get away with this anymore. That's why i need to be here. And that's why i can't see you.
Kicking it's arse is an understatement. But please i tried to do this outside. Let me be. Let me be. XI got a visit from Chones today. If you could understand. The self acknowledgement. The line i draw with worthyness, weight, men and self destruction. I almost killed myself, literally ran myself into the ground for a solid year. I showed the girls my myspace page to show my family... i had to point out which one was me......literally say "how can you NOT tell!?" I am a shadow of myself. Less than that. But inside, there is a growth. A wee petal. Blooming in a bone garden.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Double Tapping the Spotting Blog. - all over sorry.

Fifth day in.

Mum, i don't know if you're reading this. And i tend not to read over some of the crap i have previously written. Incase i backslide and 'stew in my own juices.

I'm not coming on over the weekend. Because i feel like i need to grab this bastard by the horns.
I say bastard, but at the moment. I am finding this way too fucking easy. Had an interview with my Psyche today and explained that i do understand that there is going to be a time when my Eating Disorder flares up so much. And then again, last night ED told me... in a deep and daunting voice. That i'm doing so well that i should merely throw a 'bowl of spaghetti at the wall... and hope the hella goodness that someone pays some attention to you'.

We had a really good tlak this morning with one of the nurses today. But it's al about the brainstorming goodness of 'self confidence'.

Sounds cheesey.
But you try brinking the breaking point from.

Black highlighted

To the later scrubbed out
"WISH LIST". Which M quite smartly proved. "DESERVE LIST."
Lots of 0-10 and The Bastard is the Need for Approval.

You know what we did?
You know how fucking brilliant this is.
We spent two hours doing face masks, drinking black tea and discussing the components of Oprah. And hand massages.

As previously noted; recovery is a bitch.
although i got to see a girl that spent eight months here. And not only does she look unbelievably glowy. But she is happy. She looks happy.

The ladies are beyond writeable. I'm writing all of this whilst watching the news, whilst busting for the loo.. and listening to M's phone Martin give me text messages via 'the voice'.

This has such a strange feeling tonight, i'm staring out the front window of the Clinic and have that same gut instinct i use to get when i was sitting on my granmas floor on a sunday night, the day before getting picked up by the parents. Fuck, what the fuck is going through my head right now.

Mum, i feel like shit. Mum. This wasn't meant to be this difficult to write. I know i don't even want to post this but i feel terrible for leaving people out the loop. My real worry is that i have hurt my family. I feel selfish. Something makes me, Something? ED has a grasp in the mean sense that. "you're doing this for yourself, this isn't even hard for you. another holiday ey."

After giving myself help with class this morning, telling myself this is all going to be alright and that hey. You fucking deserve it. I'll scrawl down the brainstorm. I feel it sums up lot better than this.

Also - Dro gave me advice.
Giving me advice to show my journal, to nurses, to others. First try only gave me great motivation. And actually made me feel better.


I love you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

a bullshit chat of crappy boring thoughts.

Jemima, i am sorry that you are finding this process so hard.
And i am even more sorry that these words may encourage a voice that shouldn't be there.

I am sitting in the main EDP Lounge after AT. I haven't met one of the girls in this room, but that's only making me nervous because i don't know whether or not look her way.

The ease of 'shoddy food' is right. I'm no longer spending every other second thinkin about the next bite. I fell in love very quickly with the other patients. Not that i wanted too. Not that i asked to. But i have. And i hope to one day be comfortable enough to walk into the room and know what to not say. And when to not say something.

Realizing early on that i had to tell my family to give it a breather. Was one of the hardest smack ons i'd ever experienced. I hope they realize, i know they realize that this is more of a 'if you guys don't then ED aint leaving'.

L: Mum i'm having a bad day
M: I'll be there in a minute

L: Mum i'm having a bad day
M: I'm sorry love, you can do this.
L: I need to see you.
M: I'm sorry baby i can't.
M: Come on, go outside for a while. Breath. I'll call you later on. I love you.

And i hope. And i pray that she has the guts to just say no. To say "Eating Disorder is having a crappy day."
Flip me round.
Know me before ED.
Know me before that bitch.

I no longer have control, and i definately gave them all keys. Including the two under the pebble spares. I can't be stepping back this time. We get to have sessions.

Mrn described it well enough. "You've lost the love of the obsession. You no longer have control of the taste, nor the control of what's going to come next."

Of course they're not going to believe me. Sometimes i catch myself out. But holy shit, how can a voice so strong dull so suddenly.
Micha; "You don't get as skinny as you are, without having a very, very loud ED voice."

Why didn't i ever think of it so rationally. Oh wells.
Sorry i am not writing as much on here as possible.
There is a Chocolate-Saga i need to scrawl about. The most intense moment i've had whilst being in here. But nurses will quiery. Of course they will. What frustrates me is I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY QUESTION. But even saying "no, i know why you're suspicious it's completely understandable."
SHES BEING TOO UNDERSTANDABLE. Now it is just tip toeing easier to the 'alright, shrug it off baby.. suck it up and just eat.'.

Pity i wanna get better huh. We had this "Mindfullness" class yesterday(where the small porcelin horror pot of dark and milk slid back and fourth between 6 seperate eyes.) But that will come later as explained.
I can see a time of getting better.
But i have support here.

With the most amazing conversations.
I get to experience this.
My parents have been warned to 'give it three weeks...'
Apparenlty the first few are easy. But seeing as i am eating. I'm not throwing bowls. Which is normal, as it is abnormal in the same sense.
it's a massive lose lose situation innit?

If i eat, and i follow the call - I'm exercising. I'm purging. I'm bad.
If i don't eat, and i go against the wholegrain? - I'm everything i say i'm not.

I'm so fucking glad that they were as honest with me as they have been. The conversation of ED ED ED couldn't continue for another day let alone another week. I somehow motioned eating and.. encouraged the other girls to eat. Unintentionally. Do you know how amazing that feels? I am beyond grotesque in words to myself. Not yet in the reflection. but i am here. I am here to get better. and i am not here to fight. Sorry this is really all over the place. See, my fingers don't know how to keep up! We talked about Deal or No Deal for an hour. Another hour about tattoos.. and the next hour to a nurse. Lauren, that's what the nurses are here for...!! BUT OF COURSE.

"LIVING IN THE NOW - NOW" tha doesn't fucking work in a place like this. I'm in a family environment of a mental fucking hospital.

Alright, it's dinner time.
Hi Mum and Dad i love you.

Bronwyn is bringing in the boys after dinner! Oh i can't wait to see them!

Mum, Dad, shit... you saved my life.
I would have had to come kicking and screaming. You knowthat. but you let me do this. And you know, you KNOW just how much... you will never hurt. For the rest of your life. I will be your hero. If you let me.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Gutless Wander

From the chin of Babe Lauren.

No Gum.
No Sweeteners.
No Exercise.
No Saying No.

This is all alright, mind you.
The food is shit.

And i cry, because recovery. Because being in my own home. Maintaining my obsession within my own hub.. gaining minimal, yet gaining either way in the real world.. was more... 'doable' when i was enjoying the food. Enjoying the experience. I cried, and they said "It's giving over power.. because there doesn't need to be an obsession".

No, i cry because last night i ate the most perfect fucking fillet of salmon and roasted vegetables, potato salad and a coca cola with my entire family in the sunshine... and now, i have the same crud and crust taste of 3 in a row yoghurt from a please-piss-in-this-esque looking cup and two bits of fish finger sized cold chicken from a box .. 4 bits of lettuce.. a cucumber.. i think maybe a piece of pineapple..

Try explaining 'I've been eating 2500+ for the past 4 weeks now, there is no worry of re-feeding' to a bunch of fucking high standard pro's. "How do you know so much about this, and even know what re-feeding is". Because i wanted to know what was killing me. I wanted to know why on earth i was doing this shit to myself.

I can't believe how unbelievabley horrible the food is.
I can't believe i walked into lunch with two other Anorexic Patients to find myself eating mayonaise on a margarine sandwich... and because i didn't fight it("so is this like starters.. for lunch?") apparently i must be doing something wrong. If EDS voice would ever be heard of again, it was that moment. It was the moment they raised an eyebrow.. which in turn questioned 'well... that's right i'm meant to have anorexia.. oh wait.. i'm spose to kick and scream now right? listen bucko the only reason i'd be throwing this plate across the room is if because someone offered me some real fucking food.....".. if only i had the voice of ED from 6 month ago.

"No offence, when i saw you walking in.. My head went crazy because i never, ever wanted to be as skinny as you.. but then i never knew what the fuck i wanted."

"You don't know how skinny you are do you, i've found myself eating less since you got here"

I feel.. shit for hearing both of those. My recovery could cause someone else.. to relapse further....

Two day Grool
Since the hospital stint. And where am i? Different kind of hospital, aye. Pale green walls. Locked toilets. Crosswords to boot. And Pressing my nose hard into The Twilight series. How the hell do i sum something like this up? The room is as much my 'own' hub as possible.

Meanwhile the same lady, walks the same lap. I stopped counting after she hit 250 the first day. It's just gone 10 at night, and i find myself sitting on my bed trying to connect to "that damned thing" again and again.

We found out the 'wireless' they all talked about has to be coded by someone and then authorized and too much shit to bother.

So Mum and Dad went and bought me my own. Not that i can see myself using this much. Just a few updates plodding along. Strange how time, options, figures worked out. Or ran down. Stock-wise also.It just so happened all 'my' foods ran out the same day i was coming out. (Yes, measured to a tee but nowhere near as obsesive.)

I forget what kind of place this is.

Checked on the hour... every hour, during the night.

Some of the conversations that have already taken place are ones that i will run down into the cerebral cortex till it is nothing but grey mattered and mush.

"Who are you trying to prove yourself too?"

"You're doing so well sweetie."

I didn't come here to play the sick anorexic. And i definately didn't come here to fight or resist. I came here because a week ago something hit me very hard and very sorely. We have what is called a 'Ward Round' every Monday. This is where all the professionals on your 'team' sit in a conference room and you are in some way.. leading THEM.

Which is hell on fucking heights when you've only met two of them. One being a recoveree(which i realized, i am living amongst others with this now. "So you can hear the voice too!?")

NEVER would i have thought i'd meet another.. who unscrews the Peanut Butter jars and with eyes blinded tries to guess which one is the Crunchy one(i give you permission to smirk) And then consider it your 'binge' for the day. I got it right 8-10.

My room looks over the courtyard. Where i began smoking mints and cool again.

Constant weather on the inside, so can't complain... thought have already been told off for keeping my 'gap' opened. Having to buzz a nurse to loo was the strangest.

You treat it like a motel until moments like that.. when they're nowhere to be found and you're about to piss your panties. For once, i don't feel bad for eating.

Alright, you can all know the truth. For an ED Department. The food is hideous. I was eating better, tastier AND MORE OF at home. Trying to explain this to a team of 'professionals' is one of the most frustrating things in the world. I don't need their pity nor applause. It wasn't that hard to walk in the front doors. It is going to be hard to prove that i am not here to impress. I am here to get better. (As mentioned to Mama, i don't want to 'find' myself here. Which is why i'm finding it so hard to walk into my room and feel in any way connected personally to it. Though it is my bedding, my lamp and my books on show.)


Watery custard.

Stale Bread.
Cold Toast.
After taste of fucking filth.
"two ensure if you don't finish a main... one if you don't finish a snack"

i love these girls so much already. i think a part of me hates to get connected to someone that is somewhat under the influence of the same puppet master that seems to have dropped his strings with me.

The list goes on. They questioned why i wasn't fighting. I was asked today whether i was excercising in the toilets. This is what people have to understand(which is an impossible ask, i fucking know). I never, ever. went hungry.

I starved myself to the point of extreme. but it went hand in hand with an obsession with exercise. Not because i wanted to. But because i had to. I was living off a diet made for someone trying to lose weight. And for so long now, months. I have been living off 2-5-0-0 KCal. Numbers are hard for someone to crunch in the abs when not dealing with an eating disorder. But believe me, it's not starvation. There is NO risk of me having Re-Feeding Syndrome. NOT NOW. But they assume this is the case.

Therefor they're UNDER FEEDING ME. I have lost weight since last week. Without exercise. My medicine is now sitting on my arse writing 'THE FOOD IS SHIT'. Guess what guys, the food is shit. I'd rather go and eat McDonalds three times a day. From someone with a hint of Orthorexia as well(wiki-it) This is saying aLOT. Nutrtional Value of an empty Clam.
This mornings morning tea with the dietician was giving portion sizes and eating ice cream(OOHH THE HOKEY POKEY.. you are what it's all about). The girls slivvered. They put a weakling scrape into the bowl. I wasn't going to look greedy, Ed wasn't going to look greedy.. so copied the previous. Both girls unwilling to eat what lay infront. I, well i was looking forward to ice cream before 11AM. I put two golf ball sized scoops into my bowl and was ready to devour.. not in abinge way. In a I LOVE ICE CREAM way. I did all the fucking hard word. I've done all the fucking hard work. I'm hear for watchers. Which by the way sucks.
We eat the meal then are watched for an hour after. But i can see myself polishing off some fine reads in here. Already cleared 10 sudokus and a giant crossword. Anyway. We at the icecream. I didn't feel like shit. They both lay in balls on the couches infront of me. Wait.. weight.. am i MEANT to feel like shit? Do i pull a few tears out now? So they feel better? I sat there questioning myself for a while, "thanks for that, it was really nice"... it was. I had a fear rating of 2.. compared to their 10.. why two? Because i saw they both circled ten. I'VE DONE ALL THE FUCKING HARD WORK ON MY OWN. I'VE CLEARED MY FEARS. I'VE DONE ALL THE FUCKING HARD WORK ON MY OWN. I forget that. Well not now.

I just know if i keep getting served the same shitty cobble grool, that i'll be walking and admitting thems the reasons. And if it's so crap i CRY? "you're not suppose to WANT to eat. You're suppose to struggle and prod"... i want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat.
You know why, sure i see myself getting better in here. But because since almost dying a week ago, someone dropped a string of three. And for one i sat here with my family and my best friend in my hospital room laughing and teasing myself and prodding fun.... and food... exercise.. was not on the list of conversation for that hour and a bit.
Thats why. Thats why if my weight doesn't go up in here.. then i'm sorry Folks. but I'm not fussing nae more. THE FOOD IS SHIT.
This can't be said enough guys.

I got crumpets with butter for supper at eight.
and a strawberry protein milk. You can see eyes watching like
... umm.. she's not really fussing... i talked about brain training and scientology during my cold crumpet session.. and then i asked a nurse when my boobs will be back (To Nadsy:.. IT'S LIKE I'M ASKING FOR MY SHOES BACK AT THE BOWLING LANES.. HII THEY'RE THE C CUP IN THE BLACK LACE... YEP.. THANKSSS')
I wanna eat - they question
I wanna get better - they question
I'm not fucking lying for once and they question.
How the fuck is this going to work.
We stagger on.
11.04 now.. read for an hour or so.. if i shower before Breakfast then i don't have to be watched... no offence i like the idea of showering and not having somene question my vocal range..

As i'm cutting and pasting and all over the place with this.. the toilet thing.. apparently if i continue to go(what.. to the toilet!?) they have rules.. like saying the alphabet to prove not purging... umm.. i've been honest from word go.. why the fuck would i start purging now? a year after staying true to the fact that making myself throw up was never and is never going to be an issue.

But the cold rissole and blob of... gravy? with the pad of butter really didn't go down to well.. My cat eats dog poo... even HE would have looked iffy at it and picked to see what it was made of. But remind yourself lauren, where are you?

What will it look like if you push and shove and rip apart your food?I haven't eaten out of plastic containers(especially ones that resemble the one you just asked me to piss in) since i was a wee bern. But ask to pour it into a bowl and apparently this is 'obsessive' and 'a bit too picky'.

I have cried twice after dinner.

Not because i was uncomfortable.

Because i eat better, more of and the tastiest meals whenever i want.. at home.

Five minutes from where i sit to clatter along right now. The other girls are so lovely. SO fucking lovely. I can see myself in them, and i know they in I. It is strange to have a common ground like ED. So hard to explain. Difference being, i want to gain. Sure.. the weight will eventually go on and i will eventually react in my own way and form. But for now, i can see myself getting better here. That... in itself, is a fucking relief. Walking through the doors and giving them the key. Is what i did. I have to drink apple and or orange juice. Both of which i hate, both of which i've always hated. If i don't have them. Then i must have a 360 Calorie Suppliment in liquid form. Yes, the same ones i stopped taking in OUT-PATIENT.. BECAUSE IT WASN'T NORMAL.

There is no normal here. I am hungry.

But they won't let me eat anything, fuck give me an apple!Because it is NOT on my 'set meal plan'. The frustration is the deadbolt. It will be, and is going to be.So... this is day two. I don't know what to expect. I wanted to not know what to expect.

Luckily Mum and Dad have been to visit a few times with Tessa.. and after having a good sook after dinner(twice now .. by the way.. so it just looks insane..) Nadsy came in with flowers. And my heart did a double flip and well i was just happy. It's hard to deal with because a year ago.. i could be normal.. and food wasn't the topic....

People forget it IS only a year for me. These girls are well into their fourth of 'who knows how many' returns to hospitilization. As mentioned to S from the word go. I don't want to be the typical anorexic. Backsliding her entire life and 'it's always gonna be there'. I don't and can't be that person. And i definately refuse to believe that this is and ever will be a good part of me.

There is way too much to write. Bottom line.The food is shit. But apparently, it's wrong for an anorexic to eat. want to eat...Let alone complain about the grool.

Friday, January 9, 2009

If you wanna be happy

Today was actually really nice.
My OCD has deminished so much so, i forget what routines i actually followed.

Everything since the hospital is kind of, a blur. I slept for two days. Got weighed, ate stuff, did stuff. Eaten alot fo Avocado/Peanut Butter/Butter/Breads/Milk.. lesson here - AVOID DAIRY.

But we had "Jamie Olivers Fish Pie" for dinner. Okay, umm check the recipe. Double Thick Cream, not so good on the guts. Especially considering they almost passed through me not too long ago.

Still we stagger on, don't we?
I don't always wanna be in recovery. So i'm about to make some cheese on toast(so i suppose it's a half a grilled cheese right?.. Under the grill?)

To Kiki and Maria and Ellie and Jemima and Melynda and Victoria and everybody else i've met via this thing, please know how much i'm thinking of all of you. You guys have become more a part of me than i could explain. I'm fearful of the stupidest things whilst an IP. "What fi the other girls hate me Mama:("

What if, i've been a black ewe for 22 years now, whats another 6+ weeks?
I took parents out for lunch today. Panache. So i had a Creamy Mushroom Crepe with a salad.
Hell, i'm having what i WANT. Not what ED wants, not what.. it's hard to think i've got an Eating Disorder right now. But, with family and friends like mine... fuck i'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I'm going to miss my cat. I don't think people realize just how much we're like a team.
He's my side minded pal. I wake up, Duke. I go to sleep, Duke. I come home, Duke. I watch tele, Duke. I eat Breakfast, Duke. I shower, he waits at the fricken door.....

How the fuck is HE gonna be without ME?
I'm gonna get Mama and Dad to get him 'fixed' while i'm away... so he won't know to hate me.
Sneaky sneaky.

Shopping again tomrrow, picking up the rest of the crap to take in. The Doctors are telling me to 'make the room my own'. ......i'm petrified.

All i can think is "Fill the iPod and take some photos".
Having alaptop.. well at least i can keep myself updated if not everyone else.
OH and we went to that Nightmarket at Johnsons Park. All Hippie stuff but i got to see Nads and Brooke and Nadsy is lending me Twilight to read! So i'm pretty stoked... and obviously a bit of a loser.

Hi mum! I know i gave you this so you can go through too.. You better be missing me already.
I'll tell you where my hidden stash is, and i want you and Dad to go out one night and live it up a little. No pesky phonecalls from me asking when you'll be home so i don't have to eat alone.
None of that.

Love you.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Three, and counting

3 things I was doing 10 years ago:
* I was 11 going on 12
* I was completely 'into' my equestrian stage
* I was just starting Highschool
3 things on my to-do list today:
* Pick up things for Hospital
* Go out for lunch with Mama
* Hug myself very hard
3 things I love about my [self]:
* I love that i can make myself laugh
* I love whole heartedly, so never have to question myself
* I love the colour of my eyes
3 movies I have seen more than once:
* Bridget Jones
* Pride and Prejudice
* Prey for Rock and Roll
3 places I have lived:
* McKillop Street
* Bellbird Avenue
* Donvale Drive
3 places I have visited:
* City of Churches
* Sydney Harbour
* Sunshine State
3 T.V. shows I watch:
* Family Guy
* Scrubs
* Ready Steady Cook
3 things you may not know about me:
* I can juggle
* I was a champion Scottish Highland Dancer

To each and all.

I don't know how i'm gonna write this out. Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning 2am i woke up leant over my bed and started dry reaching(sp?) Grabbed my phone and ran upstairs calling my mum to meet me in the toilet. Don't know HOW i made it upstairs. By the time she got to me i was having a Seizure on the toilet floor. My sister was holding me up and told me i stopped breathing for a few minutes. Ambulence was called and i slightly rose as mum sped me into hospital(ambo took too long). They weren't sure if it were a stroke/cardiac arrest. As Lala has mentioned so many times. THis is reality.
2 days of sleeping/recovering meant i dropped a massive(i mean more than 3kg) of weight. When i COULD finally eat, i thought straight away of the high calorie banana/pb/toast combo. Made a 600 calorie sandwich and still dropped weight.
I will be better thna ever in IP as this **** can't happen. Please guys, THIS is reality. I thought i was dying. MUM thought i was dead. And i've only just had the stomach to sit up after three days. No energy to even go to the toilet. Meant my muscles wouldn't clench which led to me toileting in bed by accident.
Guys, i'm 21. I use to be so strong in body and mind. And now i am a bag of bones with heart murmers and a soiled bed.
Please take care while i'm away. Though i AM taking a laptop in.
6 weeks minimum. Please know how much i care about all of you. SO much.XXX

Monday, January 5, 2009

Another Tuesday Morning

All blended so well up until Midnight 2009.
Seriously, i couldn't tell a day from a week from a month to yes, a solid year with this demon.
I don't want to be always in recovery. And i understand i went in there each week, with that smile and that strong 'sense' of self. It was never truley there. Anorexia had a 'way' with words.

ED let me feel like i was strong enough to go through with Out Patient and Hospitilization was always 'at my heels'.

I found out this morning, that if i DON'T go in to the Geelong Clinic that i will be sent, because it we went through the Public Health System(we were not yet privately covered, however we are now) that i'd be sent to the Royal Melbourne or the Swanston Centre(now a Psyche house, use to actually be my Old Primary School.) against my will, against my parents will. And would all fall under the Mental Health Act.

I have an appointment on Thursday at 11.15 with the 'big guy', as i call him. This O' Fellow was mentioned by name so many times before i actually got my first appointment with him, he is the HEAD of the Eating Disorders Clinic in Geelong and Outer Geelong.

I don't know if i can do or say anything that will let him think i am capable of doing this on my own. Funnily enough, not only now do i have the support network via the internet (CC) that i've always been searching for, FUCK why didn't i stumble across them sooner? But i have the drive and passion to now do this. On my own.

Don't you think i'm sick of spending all my money on food that's never touched?
Don't you think i'm sick of listening to something that isn't there, yet always there?
Don't you think i'm sick of spending every single day eating, if not eating, burning it off, if not burning it off, searching ways to burn it off in the future, if not that then searching recipes, images of food, cooking food, planting food.
A couple of years ago i could name names of people that would mention my weight never as an issue to me. Though i do suppose it was an issue. I wanted to be able to look how i felt. Strong in body as i was in personality. I reached that goal in February.

And now, now i sit here writing a list of things i need to buy to take in to hospital with me.
"The girls make it quite there own space, photos, teddies, music.."

"Really, because that's not my home. And i don't want to remember a time where i was 'comfortable' in an eating disorder facility".

I don't want to have fucking breakfast with a bunch of girls that have BEEN in there before.
I don't want to know them. Sure, maybe in a few years time i'll thank all these people. But not now, these are the same people that wouldn't listen to me when i was in the 'average weight range' yet working out up to four hours a day because i 'ate too much iceburg lettuce'.
The same people that tried to give ALL RESPONSIBILITY to my mother, to a twenty one year old daughter? Yeah, like that was going to fucking work. Numb Skulls.

I don't want pitiful eyes my way anymore, that shit makes me feel sick.
And i don't want to wake up with sore hipbones. Which is why i reach for the extra Tim fucking Tam. Which is why i crack the shits when there isn't enough oats left at midnight.

And to my little sister, who just stood there and watched me cry my heart out and all she could say was "well... what do you want me to say.."
I knew you were pretty short of showing emotion, but that crosses the border to just plain cruel. I'm the one giving you support because a boy hurt you, or because you were vomitting from tiring your body out so much, or because i think you LOOK upset... i'm the one supporting you.... and when i needed a hug, that's all i fucking needed. You just stood there, did that slight roll of eye and asked "well... what do you want me to say.."

Those are the pitiful eyes i do not want around me, i don't want you to hang out with me because you think that's what i need anymore. I don't want you to be around me if you think that's what i want.

Just think.

Chew your own tablets, i've got enough.

Friday, January 2, 2009

for Auld Lang Syne, my dear

It just came to me, i have not made any new years resolutions. If my NYR was to not make any NYR i would have succeeded in a matter of moments.

However, we all know i'm a sucker for lists.

* To gain back strength, manner and heart.. (along with some flesh)
* To start some kind of work again, good for the mind
* To take up a new hobbie, with NO relation to food/nutrition/calories/burning.
* To re-kindle with my Bitches. I miss my bitches so much more.
* To be able to sleep one single night without the electric blanket on III.
* To spend at LEAST one single week in IP, before I boot down the door.
* To ace Guitar Hero.
* To finally beat my nephew at Wii Boxing.
* To start official savings for travelling
* To not keel when Mada and Fada shoot through to UK in September
* To KNOW myself again.
* To RESPECT myself again.
* To TRUST my body again.
* To spend more time out, be it side/with friends/anywhere but home
* To go out for dinner and not panic attack over the meal
* To know my reflection
* To learn 50 new things.
* To dig up my old Vegetable patch, fresh year... fresh start
* To spend more time with my family, not couped doing crunches
* To spend more time laughing, not couped doing crunches
* To spend more time playing, not couped doing crunches
* To give my fucking body a break, not just of the physical kind.

........I'm sure i'll think of a hundred more... i have a clearer mind..

Carbohydrates are the only fuel for the brain.

Brain Age on Mums new "Brain Training" DS Game - 81. X

ps. Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad!! 38 Years. "Fuck". I love you my lovelies.

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