Wednesday, December 31, 2008

For the coming year

Maybe we are only 16 hours exactly into the new year. But already changes have been thought through and followed.

I woke up and stretched my core. I like the feeling of movement, like a sudden blood rush to one particular area that has been unlicked for so long on a cats body.

Not one star jump, i jumped up and down when i got a Turkey in Wii-Bowling? I then knew i wanted Sushi, so i got sushi.

1 Tuna and Cucumber Roll
1 Inside out Vegetable Roll (with avocado, good for the skin)
2 Iniside out Tuna and Avocado Rolls

All up it makes 3 hand rolls. And i soldiared through. Though picky with the rice, because it was falling all over the place.

This morning, extra nuts in oats.
If i can settle my pace at walking.. and still do my evening walk. To eat back the calories.
No matter what i do i end up in Hospital. So i can either prolong the inevitable OR keep fighting.

I choose to fight, blood and guts has always been more my thing.

To Jem, Maria, Kiki and Okie and whoever Burp? i think Follows this. I wish you all the best and i love you all so very much.

(also, after midnight this morning...wasn't 100% sure if i made target so still had my cottage cheese maple apple before bed... oh and a glass of Strongbow to bring in the new year.. HEY i had to first foot i needed SOMETHING to cheers with! First alcoholic beverage since March)

Food for though, what a bastard ey?
This year i want to.........*to be continued

Monday, December 29, 2008

Don't look back in anger

So let me just get this out, clear some clouds.My arms and chest are killing me, could be from the anorexia. Could be from the Wii. I'll stick with the Wii, to lessen the freak out that could be.
I'm going to meet Manda in town later for a coffee, fitting something as simple as 'coffee with Manda' into my day is like raping wood. I have to pre-organise what carbohydrates to have and where, what time to organise things like my mid-morning, mid afternoon snacks. It's bullshit.
And i realized, well no.. i just re-realized out loud that for the rest of my life this is it. Not in a depressing way. But in an eye opening 'every bite, every morning, every bit of normality.... up the pooper'.

I had my appointment with both my Nutritionist and Psyche this morning. We sat in the same room, went over the same 'how was the week' bullcrap and then it hit me.. I'll be in In Patient for my 22nd Birthday. Sure i'll have Day Release by then.. And sitting there in silence while i slowly, very slowly tiled my head back as to stop myself from crying. I haven't genuinely cried over something that ISN'T this disease since i saw Across the Universe almost two years ago. Crying use to be so fucking natural. As did laughing. People don't realize just what they have till it's not there. Cliche as it may sound. You can laugh. Right now.. you can think of something and laugh. Or smile. I know when i'm smiling, because it's not often real. So when i laugh, i concentrate so much on that laugh that i anticipate the next laugh for weeks.
I didn't realize hospital was inevitable. Well ED didn't realize hospital was inevitable. I thought that if i could prove i could at least maintain(which i did, by the way. no loss, but that's a given because my guts are killing me.. last night i didn't want to eat. not because i'm diseased. but because the thought of eating anymore made me ill...i had to eat...) then i wouldn't have to go into hospital.

It will be a relief. For me. I won't have to re-do this mornings shit. "I'm not having Oats this morning, i'll have eggs. But i need some kind of carbohydrate.. but then i won't have the coffee with Manda, what carbs will i have with dinner? I'll use fats from the cheese to make it balanced, what will i have for snack? Am i relying too much on pre-packaged food for in between meals? Maybe i'll have toast, but then we're back at carbs" This went on for twenty minutes. Before i realised i was late for my appointment and had the same fucking oats. Without Maple Syrup.. oooh way to show that Anorexia who's boss Lauren.

So hospital IS inevitable. And for the first time in months.. i cried because i realized this is it. I won't be able to wake up to Duke. Fall asleep to Duke. Knuckle head Duke when he does that cute little talk when he runs. For Forty Days. There is a sunken feeling, and it's not the Black Coffee i just had.

Fuck. What have i fucking done.

I walked out, by the way.
I walked out of my appointment because i didn't want to see my mothers pitiful face when hospital was mentioned yet again.
Instead, i went to the fruit and vegetable shoppe next door and 'almost' pikced up a box of "Black and White" popcorn. Natural Popcorn dipped in White and Chocolate Chocolate.

What is my fear of Carbohydrates?
I need energy.
I'm nervous about what coffee to have.
Do i take it as a snack?
That's not normal.
I pre-plan everything i eat.
All i do is food.
All i think is food.
All i want is food.
All i want to avoid is food.
All i want is myself back.
And i can't take my own advice.

I don't have the energy to do this anymore.
So i know hospital is infact, the best way to beat Ed.
But is that giving in, in itself?

How is that showing Ed who's boss?
All i want to do is restrict because it IS inevitable. I fucking hate this so much.

I got a package from Melynda this morning and cried. Wuthering Heights with my favourite Chocolates. How a sweetheart can manage to make me smile at sucha time is beyond me.

I need advice, i need guidence, i need my grandma to be here to help me feel that happiness again, to let me know everything IS going to be alright. And i can do, i can be, i can want whatever i want. AND be happy.
It is only as hard as we make it.

I choke on my own advice.
I need someone to tell me what to eat for lunch.
What to eat for dinner.

Now i'm just thinking out loud.
A little help.


I'm screaming here.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Dad - Air Conditioning - Eating Disorder = Mess.

This is a quick, well i suppose it's a rant.
Not meaning to take a direct bullet towards anyone. ANYONE.
I have met the most amazing people this year, beit face to face or face to screen. When i say these people have changed my life. Given me freedom. Some steady pace. Though the numbers are still slightly falling, we're getting there. Head wise i feel so strong - body just hasn't caught up yet.

Triggering as it is, i wander over other Counters Blogs. Usually all advertising their daily eets.
One thing i can not stand.

I shouldn't be going somewhere tha i KNOW will do harm. Especially considering the state i'm in. I don't KNOW any of these people. Not on any personal level anyway(if you think this is directed at you, it's not. I've never spoken on or in reality to any of these people I LOVE YOU! ;])

(Off Topic - everytime i taste that feeling of cold. That uncontrollable urge to run to the fridge and eat everything i can is seconds away... i am so afraid of a binge. When i eat, i feel i binge. I want to be able to eat every second of every day. This scares the shit out of me. I star jump, so i can eat a few extra bits at night. I'll go for a half hour fast walk so i can eat a fucking lindt ball or two....Even though i'm trying to gain... this is fucking killing me. Literally)

I don't want to go to Hospital. I know i have to. but i don't want to. I don't want to have to eat with other disordered eaters. I don't want to spend forty days away from my comfort zone, anorexia loves the fact it has so much attention here.
I love the fact i can eat MORE low calorie foods, because it means while i'm eating.. i'm eating. I'm comfortable. Sure, i'll bustmy chops of a morning night, midday, afternoon, mid morning.. whenveer i get a second alone.. mum caught me doing star jumps rightbefore dinner tonight. I was so ashamed i went for a walk! Work THAT one out.

Anyway, these other bloggers post what they ate. I don't know who's recovering and who's maintaining. Honestly it doesn't matter. It still LOOKS quite distortered/disordered to me. I understand they help eachother. But the bowls are tiny, or is that the angle? This obsesed with spoons of peanut butter. That is NOT normal. I want NORMAL back, myself back. without the excess weight/wait. I don't want to eat the same as every other recovering anorexic. Hell i want to have pringles and watch Vicar of Dibley in my knickers on 32 degree night.

I want to ring up my best friends and go get ice cream and go fora walk along the beach.

I don't want to feel like i 'have' to work out to 'deserve' certain things.
I use to be fucking happy. SOmething told me i didn't deserve it.

That something has to go away. And with it, is all the peanut butter stories and spin class bullcrap... because i've found myself steaming broccoli and brussle sproutsto the extreme.. my weight still drops.. and i compare bmi's and weights and read how they're all going to start working out harder... that's ot me.
Nor is it normal.
There is Normal. And there is constantly recovering...


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Deed Arm, Boxing Day

Boxing Day see's.. not much spending the cashflow as spending time recovering. Not from the nasty head-wound. Oh no, but from the Wii that we got for CHRISTMAS!!

I'll admit, i was kinda in on it. Giving suggestions and price deets. But it still shocked the knickers off of us both.

I woke up at just past 5 in the morning, after.. sadly one of the sappiest Christmas Eve Carols by Candlelight i've ever been to(20, by the way. I've been to fucking twenty..only missing one when in Queensland in 1995.)

Before actually leaving for the carols, i got a phonecall from a pal C. DeVille.. Who without his knowing has actually made a huge impact not just with my recovery. "just happens" to say, do the right things at that moment where you stumble. And i couldn't be more thankful.
Anyway, he fucking didn't. Well he did... actually.. He and his pals chipped in and CUSTOM MADE me my very own fucking Low Rider. WHICH he knew i had wanted for so fucking long.
We're talking, my very own bad boy. And it is a beauty. I spent most of yesterday sitting on him in the backyard. Knowing i can't 'do much'. I went for a wee cruise today, will be out in the warmer weather down the old bichamoned Train Lines anyway...Times, people like that make you realize there IS still genuine souls in the world. This person went out of his way, out of his pocket to give something to somebody for no REAL reason in the world. It was my get better present. And hell knows it has made me wanna eat shit i couldn't even bare the stench of.

At carols, i admit.. ED was bright as candle flickers. So i sang louder. In my hat. But he lingered, well and truley. I mentioned, and had already 'pre-added' a HOT JAM DONUT to my list of eats. SO i knew i would be in calorie range even if i decided to eat it. Everyone tucked in and had one or two each. But when it came to the crunch, i just couldn't. I smelt it.. and just couldn't. I had a wee sook to Mam, who teared up seeing me get so frustrated.. talking it over and out of me. THen my nephew offered me a lolly snake. ONE lolly snake, "fuck it" i took a bite... smiled.. then when noone was looking spat the bit that was in my mouth out and got incredibly angry at myself. Sounds stupid, don't it? Arrived home to wrapped up goodines outside my bedroom door from ASHLEA & HOBBS!! Best surprise. Definately put me in higher spirits.

Why on earth Dinner is the most anxiety-rissen meal for me is a nutshell to crack.
I eat two small meals after that!?
Yogurt with berries, bag of frozen grapes and a bowl of oats with maple syrup.. they don't make me anxious. Of course i stretch my core and star jump a wee bit, to 'deserve' these little 'treats'.

And even though Christmas has passed technically i will have my Chocolate Lindt Ball tonight.
"Aaaaaaameennnn" - Mario Lanza end of song style.

Dad LOVED his USB Turntable.. the one i got physically trodden on for! As did Chris. I was so happy. SO fucking happy. All of yesterday.
Drove out to Ashleas to drop off her presents before anyone woke up. I'd had my breakfast and was all wide awake.. even tried to waste time by going for a walk .. when i went to take the "big block" I stopped myself and said "no no.. we'll drive to ashleas now".. trying to plan it all.. HER DAD SAW ME IN MY HAT AND PYJAMAS SNEAKING AROUND THEIR BACK FENCE TRYING TO STASH THEIR PRESENTS!! Talk about awkward.. six foot tall long black hair witha santa hat trolloping around Lara .. real subtle Lauren.

Got back intime to open all the GOODIES!!
Brazil Nut Body Butter - my FAVOURITE!! From Tessa i got a new beautiful silver ring, 'nother Danger scratching!
Mum and Dad got us the Wii! And Wii Sports and Paul got us Transformers for it and also FUCKING GUITAR HERO! The best. We're late Bloomers. But that's just how it works in this household! And mum knew how much pain i'd been in lately because of certain areas clanging certain other areas while i sleep.. so she bought me a full lnength BODY PILLOW!! A REAL Pillow Husband. Beautiful spoony spoonies last night!!
Chris and Bron gave me an adorable Print bag filled with Leopard Silkies and a voucher for the MILL! (The biggest Antique/Collecters shed in .. i'd like to think the world!)
Ashlea gave me so many wee goodies, too much to mention. Pin Ups galore and brightly coloured everythings.

I got to see Tony for a wee bit yesterday. Bones(still not official, still own him for now. 'Boof' is starting to stick.. eh) and Spike got THREE lovely bowls of leftovers.
I helped out with all the roast Vegies.. everything from Parsnips to Sweet Potatoes, Onions Honey Mustard Glazing with some Turkey Breasteseses and TOPPED WITH GRAVY!!

Still wasn't sure whether quota was hit, so still went for my after dinner foodies. Just had Scrambeled egg whites on toast with Cream Cheese for dinner.

Still halfa Trifle and a bloody big chunk of Clootie Dumplin' left over. Neither of which i've ever liked(except for Granmas Trifle.. Though, never again)

Everyone made it so easy for me, I honestly didn't feel any 'real' anxiety. Nor preasure to restrict. Which was an amazing feeling for me. THat sense of reality and freedom, even if for one meal. Because it gave me the guts to just do it. Delve and enjoy with everyone else. My nephews have never been cuter.

I'm off to Kmart to see if i can find me any bargains.
Thanks to all of my lovlies on CC for the support.
And i'm glad everyone got their Sent Deliveries on time

All my lub and big wet kesses

Wednesday, December 24, 2008



I just wanted to wish you all the ding dong merrily on high? Is that even it, i love me a good Christmas Carol(O Holy Night, With Mario Lanza doing it.. by gosh)

I've got the essentials.
Freezer full of Ice cream, Fridge full of Fresh Vegetables, Turkey Cooked and Basted(FF), Grapes and Bananas Frozen, Menthol Cigarettes, TWO Strongbow Originals, Six pack of Coca Cola Zero, Stuffing, with WALNUTS! By Golly Gosh.

Pencil Skirt Pressed, Shirt Ironed, Fresh Perfume on bed stand and Good music to leap out of bed to...

Unconditionally, unintentionally for the lot. By Accidental forces of nature i wandered across the strongest most amazing people i could ever ask of.

It is Christmas.
And to quit myself counting calories and sticking to any kind of NORM.
I won't be around for a while, so i love you all. And i'll be here for the New Year(as promised Dolly Baby, sorry it aint tonight.)

I fucking love you all, CC Crew and all to boot. El, Mel, Jem, Okie, Kiki, Maria, Gib-Baby, Reb, there is so many to thank.
Carl DeVille. For being the most amazing man in the world. Someone who never fucking ceases to amaze me, out of pure kind heartedness.
Francis Willo and the gang.
My Hobblit and her Company of Second Family.
My lovely Manda
My bitches. My Real Harts. Nadsy and Brooke.
My babies, my loves, my other halves.

We stick with Trad.

This may have raped me for all it's worth.
But fuck it, i see the other side.
And that is the baby step worth diving head first for.

So i won't be round.
But i love you.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I can see a better time..

For any fellow followers - The assessment is done, papers filled and words of past jotted down on file for later viewing.

12th of January 2009, admittance was somewhat inevitable.
But we'll see.
I guess, i suppose.

They didn't have to drag me in by the ankles, kickin' and screamin'.

As i was getting out the shower, Dad knocked on the door and told me my brother was on the phone. Straight away a shot of butterflies sharpened their razorblades and started gnawing the gizzards.

I wish, i hope he knows how much that phonecall meant to me. More than just the whole world. Everything i'd ever wanted to hear from his mouth. Everything i'd thought he'd felt about me..I can't believe i let ED almost ruin one of, if not.. the greatest friendship/relationship i had ever held.

And i will never forget everything that they have done for me. From taking me in and wrapping me up, to forgiving me.. even though they watch as i rot from the inside out.

I found my happy place on the landline at 10.14AM.

Tomorrow will be so very busy, so if i don't get time to say/see/be with you all
Have yourselves the merriest of tidings. I will think of every which one of you and hold your hearts so close to mine.

Merry Christmas Babies

Fuck it, and the ED. Enjoy it, one day really won't kill you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Eves of Christmas II

Vanilla wrapped in Bastard II
Tomorrow morning i go into In Patient Clinic to get assessed.As my nutrionist, psychologist, everyone has told me.. this isn't the final straw... yet.The many, many, many, many......many.. Well it's been since March, every week.. lordy knows i know that 10AM Tuesday/Friday drive like the back of my cigarette-smilied hand. I've walked in those doors and dropped, yet again with the promise 'no, i've just had a bad week.. i'll try harder, i promise.. i'm not ready for hospital'.
Noone is 'ready' to be force fed infront of a nurse.Noone is 'ready' to be kept in a room for half an hour after a meal to make sure you don't try and work out, or purge(which again, never done, never planned on doing, never will do.)
It just happens to fall on the Eve of Christmas Eve. On the day of my Granma Nessies best friends Funeral, RIP German Anna. You were such a sweet thing.You forget just how manipulative ED/XIA/ANA is. Honestly, last few days have been a fucking nightmare for me. Care to know why?

I woke up with all good intentions, as per usual.Changed the alarm on my phone to some stupid 'rumba' type noise.. that i knew would make me at least smile on rising. Bang around for automatic to ipod speakers hit play jolt around in bed to 'jig' metabolism. Star jump and run on spot to rev myself up. Stretch every bone in my body.. each time avoiding hitting my baby who just wants to snuggle and say good morning. "the longer i lie in, the longer i put off exercising". This isn't me, i tell myself it's me. It's ED. He is the master of all puppet mastery.
Fucking KNOWS he has a tight grip lately. I say some of the most cruel, vile, potent things when he's at the hull. Honestly, i would fucking hate me.

And i've lost so much. It's not a pity thing. My brother doesn't look at me the same.. it fucking kills me. And i know why. As i've read somewhere it is like an abusive relationship. Eating Disorder and Me. Imagine the front cover at your local Video Store. It'd be in the Cheap Bin on VHS for $2.99, and only genuine movie buffs would pick it up to read the blurb. ED would have his arms around me and it'd be a peachy coloured sleave.

He hates this thing, he hates everything it's taken from me and him. He hates the fact i let it have my life hands down, no war. Just took it and i let it. So it's as if, he blames ED.. and i just have to suffer the consequences.if that makes sense. ED could do murder, and get away with it. Because i'd be the one behind bars. "Laurens always on holidays though!".I know, how fucking easy.. and simple that sounds.. and how fucking awesome my life must look from the outside. I wouldn't wish this fucking hell on my worst enemy. There are 100 moments in a day where i don't see a point. I have put the pedal to the floor to feel anything. Literally, forcing a laugh as i watch the speedo going further round the dash. To feel... anything.

Because there are so many times, i would be at ease if he just won. Him winning, is taking it all. A genuine weeeiner.
I need some fucking thrill, i can't be doing this for the rest of my life. I can't do that dud smile and say 'yeah, but i'm in recovery' for ANOTHER 8 months. People didn't even 'believe' i had a problem till they started SEEING the 'result' of the disorder. Had to weight before anyone believed me.

So, who knows what happens tomorrow. Maybe i will, maybe i won't. Merry Christmas BabiesTo the lot of you, i love you. To guts and glory, the rest.. you penetrate me enough to mention penetrate in a blog.

I feel fat, because
1. Vanilla Chiller from Gloria Jeans
2. Went out for Khan Curry with my best friends
3. Went out for Sushi with my best friends
4. Restricted for two days prior to 'outings'.
5. Tried to follow 'intiuitive eating'... fucked that one up.
6. With all good intentions... i'm ruining this for myself.

Please leave me the fuck alone ED, i don't want you anymore.
I'm crying while i'm writing this. I don't think i've ever hated something so bad in all my life. Whythe fuck do you choose people, why can't we choose you. You don't have a hold on me, you DO... you let me THINK you're gone.. you let me THINK i'm getting better..

I hate you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

For Melynda.

You can break lies, and trees. Branches.
You can literally grab me by the cage and shake it with all your might.

This one stranger grazes into my life and tells me everything is worthwhile, someone that has been battling this - Finally coming out the other side.. after ten years of suffering. And suffering doesn't come close to the fight you read about, that you kind of wish you knew the feeling of.

I will be assesed at the In Patient Clinic next Tuesday. Or as i keep reminding myself, Christmas Eve Eve. S asked me how i feel about this. And i had no words. For the first time in my life, i could not think of anything worth saying. Or Xia couldn't.

For blind faith, we were driving home from the Doctors today. Mum usually takes me, every other Wednesday. But the time had shifted so Dad came in with me. My heart rate is still at 41 BPM. This is the critical part of my condition. At any point i could go into Cardiac Arrest. And it still pushes me beyond sweat.

Five sets of break lights slam infront of us as we see a bright auburn Heeler with the head of a Staffy joyfully sprinting up the Bellarine Highway near that side road Fruit Shack that was recently taken over by new Management. Without two seconds to spare Dad pulled over and whisteled the mutt to the car. As i got out the bag of bones came running towards me, tongue out one side. Straight in the back of the car, and not a second too soon for Dad. [The same man who saves Seagulls. Drags Roo's off abandonded bush roads and checks for Joeys no matter how decomposed the poor thing may be.]

My heart broke seeing him in the light. I could count his ribs.
"I can count yours, and you're wearing clothes."
Mum, you can't slightly tell his breed because his head is so disproportioned from his ribcages to his tail.
Holding him on the way home, this stray .. this mutant looking hound.. each corner we turned was an actual clanking of our bones. At one stage i was almost in tears because this barely 8kg dog was crushing my thighs with it's remaining leg bones.
It ate like it hadn't seen meat before.
And finally looks like it has comfort... on a dirty ol' garage floor covered in pillows and sheets to keep it from freezing.. he looks like a prince in there.

The comparison to this story is heartbreakingly real. And metres away this stunning mutt is hopefully back to dreaming of chasing the rabbits it was sharing the gutter fields with.

I wouldn't be surprise if we have another McManus to feed from now on.

To Dolly - Nourishment, that's all i care about for you. Porridge? Christmas Eve Morning? You pick the time. I'll take photos for proof.. i expect the same.

To Mashed - I got a ticket to anywhere. Love you poppet.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sterling is home.

From one brutal path to another.
The continuation of Bungalow Bill(or the bullshit drama that was Sunday Evening)

ED hadn't finished. Nowhere near, i walked into my sisters room to find her in bed sobbing. The two people i can NOT stand seeing upset/ill/in anyway not themselves.. is my Mother and my baby sister. No matter WHAT the case.

She walked into the kitchen and just hugged me.
I didn't react, i had no more energy to cry. I had screamed so much that i was on a massive high. I could have for miles on that anger flow alone. But i knew the next day would be back to the usual, i would bend backwards.. take it as you will.. and she would monosyllabic the day away. We would argue because i say "are you sure you're alright" too much. And she would do that smirk, the one that she got from her Father.

Phonecall from 7 this morning. He has booked the assesment at the clinic.
Tuesday at 10.30AM
Christmas Eve Eve.
And till then, i apparently await a bed.
I eat a scone in place of crying. I don't flail, i don't kick and scream. I walk to the breadbin, past the gutter rats who are weaving my legs.. ignore them total and heat up a Blueberry and White Chocolate Scone.

My Fetus made my midnight oats taste of salty maple goodness last night -
I forget that this whole time, she has only been at my side. And tried to understand. My two best friends. My two harts. Constant reminder.
"You were always beautiful."
Why did ED make me feel otherwise? Noone is ever meant to revel in their own beauty no. There were always going to be bad days. For all i'm ass-uming men don't know the common sense of "fat days". I still get them, at 52.7kg i still get fat days.

But i'd roll out of bed, be the same size and the day went on.
The world kept on turnin' burnin' however you played your tune.

'cept now, you can't see past the next meal. "Planning goals" means, what food will be readily available and irrational starts nit picking at my rational. Rubbing it the wrong way.

This is a scene from my shower this morning.
A conversation betweens -
But i'm not eating till i'm uncomfortable, i could, i'd love to. But you can't, because you will get fat, how will i get fat? all i eat is the things that are completely good for me. Because your body is malnourished. But i've been eating? But you haven't been eating enough. What will i get so and so for Christmas? I wonder how much you'll leave behind on your plate at christmas time. Maybe i'll have a glass of cider, i doubt it. Do you know how many carbs are in cider? Why is Carbs such a fear lately? why do you bother eating? When the fuck will i be able to shower alone?


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Nothings gonna change

I don't know what happened before -

The past few days, nobody has really been up for leaving the house. Which I, Me.. would have loved. Xia, does not. For no movement means with each passing second ('no matter what') Things turn. Muscle turns to fat, thoughts turn to food. Food, Food, Food, Food. It is glorious. When i fight the voice.

Me and Tessa have had the same relationship for the past 20 years.
It is tight, but only on her terms. There is no Love You's.. unless "SAY IT BACK!" from me. In which she mumbles. Considering i may be spending Christmas/New Year in IP i kind of thought it'd be wonderful to just go for a cruise with her. Since she has met 9* she was on cloud.. well there you have it. And i was ecstatic for her. Of course i was worried at first, with the minor details. But never, ever questioned her. Only the surroundings of the matter.

I would do anything for this girl, literally anything she asked. Done.
The tiniest movement to the boulder she rocks. I would fucking kill for her.

Xia pushed my foot to the floor and as my car revved past 120 as i screamed 'YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO ME? I POUR MY HEART OUT AND NO WORDS FROM YOU!?'


I slowed down to a steady 100 and continued to pour my fucking heart out.
Be it the 'if this is some kind of pity arguement i don't want it, just say SOMETHING'

She smirks.
As per usual.

She sits there, and smirks. While i tell her how close i have come to caving in to my own disease.
She sits there.

When we get home, she gets out with a smirk 'well.... what do you WANT me to say?'

I wait in the car going over what the fuck just went on, after everything. And she packs up like nothing has happened. I walk past mum and dad.. who have already heard her parts of the happening.
'She's upset'

Hang about, i'm rude... and it's out of line.
Tessa can do nothing, say nowt. Smirk, be as rude as the light of day.. and "that's just Tessa"

I see.

On top of all this, each time it occurs. I cave in. I walk up to her, say nothing and cuddle her.
And each time i promise myself i'll wait. I waited 3 days once. And all i got was 'so why are you ignroing Tessa?' from Mam.

So what do i fall back on?
I lock myself in my room and run on the spot till i run out of breath, which is hard. When you have nothing to move. So i go to crunches. get to 250 and don't feel a rush. So i start jumping jacks till 'something' tells me to stop.

In time for placement of afternoon tea i prepare their chicken shnitzel and potatos and come on here to write the shit out of a crappy entry.

Fuck that for a bag of potato chips.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I made no bakes !

There is a story, an opening chapter. Everyday.....then this

Breakfast - Bowl of Oats with Vanilla Soy and a drizzle of Maple Syrup
Half a Frozen Banana, gods gift to ... minions.

Morning Snack - Blueberry and White Chocolate Scone with some Yogurt

Lunch - was shit. Open faced Cottage Cheese Sandwich with salad and some Sundried Tomato
(Even though i promised myself i'd have something like a peanut butter/grilled cheese.. something... of 'value')
an Apple

Dinner - Spaghetti Bolognese

Then the rest is kind of by time.
Yogurt with Blueberries and frozen grapes
Lindt Chocolate from the Advent Kickarse Calender
Bowl of oats with Maple and Vanilla again

Now.......... i tacker off into bed toi wake up and pretty much do it all again.
Cept tomorrow i want Sumo Salad. That place is mean.

But we're going to Laverton Market, if Mam is feeling better.. and if this thunderous rain goes away.. whch we don't want.. gimme 30 degrees and this downpour, and you got yourself one Happy Danger Squad Party.

And Stat.

Vanilla Bebe

I had an appointment with my Nutritionist today.

".....You know i see more of this place than i do hot dinners.....metaphorically speaking"

I have an assessment with the Clinic next week, either Tuesday or Friday. Which i am quite use to now(being the days i usually have appointments, bar every other Wednesday with my GP).

You think it's fun, being that routine that you don't go to reception anymore, they know your name and how you like your coffee?

And each time i'm reminded of a happy memory, the first thing i want to do is go home and eat a hearty high calorie meal. Not because i want to binge. But because i want to be better now. I want these thoughts to be gone. To be thinking about food every single second of every single day. Which N laughs at because technically THAT WAS ALWAYS ME! But i had time, and a life. And a LAUGH.

I messaged my brother this morning on the drive out to the Village .. passing the street he use to live at.. where i'd go with my ex boyfriend and we'd just hang out, but these were my best friends. My brother and my sister in law. My nephew and my boyfriend. We'd order the meanest of pizzas and drink and laugh and then fall asleep in my nephews bed(he'd be long crawled in with his mum and dad by then). I pretty much lived there. I remember when G would be like "Mummys House. Daddys House. Gabeys House and Lozshes House!" I remember getting all tearied. But i miss that so much. Weight was always an issue with me. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. But it was never, EVER this bad. I had Implanon. Yes, and it did cause some weight gain. But apart from that i didn't bother exercising. My exercise was of a Saturday/Sunday crossover dancing at Eureka with Nadsy and Brooke.

I met somebody, who. No matter what happens. Changed my life. Be it his charm, wit or air. Whatever the hell it was i was caught. But i liked it. There was a force there stronger than anything i'd felt in a long time. I didn't know what it was. Or how to sum it up. But it was very much present. Words were constantly exchanged. And many a time weight was somehow a core subject matter. Not until recently did i realize that the driving force behind it all was NOT infact this one person. But built up bullshit from years of holding not weight, but fury. Angst and all that other teenage bullshit.

Anorexia is not about food.
Eating Disorders are NOT about food.

Let's make that very clear.

My weight has dropped once again, what pisses me off is that this Disease is so strong. That with the amount i AM eating(still unintentionally over estimating values and still striking the low cal key) Anorexia is winning.

They want me in over the Christmas/New Year break as to make doubley sure my weight does not drop any lower. As this would mean more Heart Problems.

"Mum, i may not be able to have children.......ever"
"Lauren, we'll handle that when we get there.. but i know baby.. i know"

I'm posting what i ate today.

Love & Eggnog.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

"if you don't take advantage of the different things in life, how will you ever amount to anything?"

To quote another recoveree.

"I definitely know why I have these restrictions in place, but I needed to face them today to show myself that my body or hunger wouldn't change much, and it didn't."

I should be enjoying recovery, but ED clearly has other plans.
Anyone who is ANYONE. Get your mits on a White Chocolate and Blueberry Scone from Bakers Delight. If to die for meant rolling in Baked Goods... then so be it.


Crawling on your knees towards me

Morning Report -

Breakfast always seems to be the most stressful time of the day. Perhaps because by the end of the previous night i've tired ED over with compulsive thoughts of 'i'm going to beat you, whether you like that or not is beyond me... but why bother?' And so it doubles in strength while i'm at my weakest. Even though mornings are my favourite. Apart from the clock and all that junk.

I've been running crazy lately hoarding, trampling. Spending money like a last Christmas is about to occur. My mum has been pretty down lately, i'm afraid she thinks this may in fact be my last christmas.

I was thinking about one of my friends yesterday for a long time, this person came into my life when i was nothing but a bra-less brat with knotty brown ringlets and blundstone booties.
We were best friends from word go. And she is still that same girl today. Nothing has changed, she probably became even more attractive, if possible. But that'd be it. She has the personality of a winner and is an 'all round good guy'. I can understand completely why i have lost alot of friends throughout this. But i have also come to accept that sadly, it was not my doing. After beating myself up for a year. Both psychologically and physically i've come to realize that at the end of the day this is a psychological disease that just happened to grab me when i was at my most vulnerable. When i honestly believe shit was starting to work out.
I hope she knows just how much i adore the living pants off of her. Always will.

Since taking recovery seriously(although hard to believe, it has been a year since the first inkling that something was wrong occured. Or as i like to think, a year since i went about things the wrong way. For the wrong reasons.. anyway, a year.. go figure).
My psych has been away finishing his degree, so i have been double dating my nutritionist twice a week. Who, bluntly explained to me that since quitting the Resource Plus(a 360 calories hospital meal suppliment) I have dropped dramatically again and since Christmas Stint will see me three weeks without ANY outside support. She see's it fit for me to be in Inpatient(at a clinic) over the break. For more than one reason, i have fought against the idea of In Patient.

- "I don't want to be like every other anorexic."
- "I got myself IN this mess, i want to fight my way out."
- "I fucking hate hospitals."
- "I don't think being around other Anorexics is going to do me any good."

Some of the real clinkers.
So i see her tomorrow, after they do their weekly team meeting with the head of the EDC. Who i haven't seen since.. March. When i first started seeking professional help.

I'm still amazed by the fact that since eating, i have dropped 15kg. Because i was so use to low calorie foods. What i want, and what Anorexia wants are very different things. I can't stand being gawked at by strangers. ED thrives on that shit. I've gone without because 'something' overpowers me saying "Well, noone is around to support you.. or give you a pat on the back.. so don't"

Knowing full well this is a head screw in itself. I have taken a real liking to Cooking. And Nutrition. Not that i can ever persue a career in it. Lately, teaching has been really on the cards. Eventually anyway. There is so much i want and need to do. I don't have time, or the remaining effort to fight with this bitch. I never thought the road would be this long. But it is the worthiest fight i could possibly imagine.

I'll post another tonight, i have things to attend to.

-Cleaning out the Laundry
-Loads of Washing... speaking of which.. where the HELL is Summer!?
-Clean out Family Room
-Make Dinner
-Grocery Shop (stock up on Vanilla Soy)
-Wanna go to the Mill Markets. Hoard some bargains.
-Organise Dinner for the next week.(I find it easier to cope with Breakfast/Snacks/Lunch if i know what we're planning for dinner. I know it's Anorexias Slap to the arse.. preparing for restriction.. but the more i eat, the more dull it becomes. Took alot to work that one out.)

Later Baby

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Usuals.

I was posting my latest eats and treats on the Recovery Forums floating about the joint. But figure i could post them here too.

Breakfast, is usually always the same. Fuck i love Breakfast.
1/3c of All Bran
1/2c Instant Oats
1/2c Vanilla Soy
1/2 Hot Water
Zap it in the Solar Dome for 80 seconds
1tbs of Maple Syrup Sugar Free
5 Blueberries

And ontop of this a Frozen Banana
Black Coffee

Tried introducing a glass of juice here, but i couldn't do it. Well the voice wouldn't let me.. i had a sip then pretended not to like it and poured it out.
Then added the sip i had and rounded UP the calories.

It sounds like a alot, but the bowl is small. The banana is average
And the coffee is burnies.

I'm going to my nephews Christmas Play tonight at the Arena, and the only thing i'm really fretting about is it skipping over my usual 'meal time'.

Example 1.
8.30 - Breakfast
10.45 - Morning Tea/Snack
1.45 - Lunch
4.30 - Afternoon Tea/Snack
7.30 - Dinner
10.00 - Supper/Snack

I have to be reminded when to eat, and i can NOT eat intuitivley yet. As silly as it sounds. I've tried, and i tend to UNDER eat. So i follow the clock for some back up.

Yesterday for the first time ever, i had TWO Vanilla Latte's.. That's Right.. TWO.. no Soy.. no 'hold all carbs'. Nowt, Nada, Nothing.
I forget that i want to recover. The voice is that deep and controlling. And the MORE i eat, the less it has control. So answer being, eat up me hearties.

Yesterdays Plan
8.oo - Breakfast
10.00 - Snack
11.30 - Coffee
1.30 - Sushi.
4.30 - Coffee
6.00 - Dinner
9.00 - Snack
10.00 - Snack

I liked it, it fret so much. I started panicking thinking. "My body was USE to the previous pattern, that's is.. i'm gonna get fat tomorrow". So even though my shoulders were aching as guns this morning. I continued my morning regime. And refuse to go on my 30 minute walk until Saturday. I simply must hit at least 57kg Before i do anything else.

I want to recover.
So what do i do for dinner?
I haven't been eating alot of Bread lately, i know i should.
I really want to do French Toast with some Butter and Maple Syrup and Blueberries....Maybe. Perhaps... Mayhaps.

I'd say next time i'm running low on oats, but i am stocked up until NEXT Christmas..

Christmas List;


Tales of a Mad Dame I

My very first blog.

It's official, i am a blog poster. No longer dragging myself through the grime of myself 'blog' reports and kudosing here to yonder yesterday. To his a four this is my story thus far -

Somewhat of an oddball, plastered to the phrases 'be alls and end alls' and 'eh, it happens's the year 2008 took it's fair toll on me. During a grueling downward spiral i somehow managed to be dealt the hand of Anorexia Nervosa later 2007, with Over-Exercise[Bulemia Athletica] A complete joke to most people that knew me at all. Often being recognized as the 'amazonian' with a six foot structure, with the curves and the boobs and the attitude of a brat packed heartian.

In coming to grips with the fact what i had was infact killing me, quickly and very painfully.. contracting Obsessive Compulsive Disorder along the way. I was treated as an OP [Out Patient, for those playing at home] Since March of this year. Not taking Recovery Seriously, or the Eating Disorder [as you'll note; "ED", Bastard, Him, That.. common side names for the bitch that is.] wasn't going to let me take it seriously. I've set this blog up to note the inner scratchings of him, myself, irrational, rational.. journalism in brail kind of deal.

Not one to put things out in black and white, if you care to understand any of this. You either will, or you won't bother. Dare to say you've even caught up with me. Yes, i eat. Yes, i want to get healthy.. and No i have not ever purged. Unless you count the oh-so pleasent nights of head in a gutter outside National Hotel or Barwon Club.. Beaves.. Eureka.. Sporties.. My front letterbox...The car..Point being, i have lived in the 'recovery' mode.. longer than i have actually lived in the death grips that is Anorexia Nervosa.

It is, how they say it is. Incase you were wondering.
I still see a 'big' girl, in the mirror. I can still 'feel' the fat move around my body. I see no change .. physically. Oh i can feel a change, i can feel the cold at 30 Degrees. I have to sit on a cushion at the dinner table, because my arse bone protrudes. I don't go out, if ever, at all. At the moment i don't work, due to my recovery.

This is a long haul, the longest. But i can see a day where the 'voice' is no longer at the frontal lobe. And has the power of a gloveless mime. But till then, this wee box and all it's pleasent surroundings will keep me on a straighter than rough road.

Just another inkling from the inner workings of Lauren Danger.

About Me