Thursday, February 5, 2009

Wide Eyed Wondering

First Escorted Family Leave "for the in betweens" Today.

The whole story went, we haven't been having sessions or classes in ages. This to me felt more like a weight gain programme than anything else.. but i love the sessions with Simon and Mich.

But this week just so happened that some sessions were back (as in on the sheet, not so much following through with said sessions). I'm sittinng up all perky in my bed of lambs wool and eggshell matress awaiting the nightly meds. One of the girls is flying the coop tomorrow but not so much panicking because... well.. 'she'll be back in 10 days'. I really want her to find her wings. Spread those wings.. and choof off. She needs to, to see what the other side is like without he safety net. But that is her, that is just her.

We don't fight these things, they're not ours for the fighting.

The session was ON.
The session was CANCELED.

The sessions was ON.

I'd already organised for me and Tessa to go into town. Spur of the moment. I wouldn't have gone otherwise. I would have kept it at arms length until i just didn't have the balls to do it at all. But i did. And it was wonderful. We just scoped around the city. Ran into an old flame. Not literally, but i've dreamt about it.. and it was so close to becoming reality that i almost forced it upon onself to make the extra jump to becoming a bit more real.

Still, it was so intense and still so heart beating.

This weekend i am going out with Bronwyn and on the Sunday i'll go out with my parents.

There is so much freedom and love tha i am yet to even meet at the gates... i get tastes now though, i wake up smiling.. and as i've said and written over and over again... it's the feeling i use to wait for... i stopped waiting.. i definately stopped assuming it was never gonna come.. and i realized it was always there by stage right just waiting for my secret foot-stomp so she'd comme charging out arms flailing and all tits and teeth.

I have made some slight movements towards my outside world already, things i want to do and need to do. Things i would just love and loath.

I spent a mini jackpot with Tessa today, probably the only girl in an eating disorders clinic to hide chocolate in her handbag. I'm not going to pretend to be somebody i'm not.. but having said that i'm also not going to grind my teeth to the jawline when people assume (come we all know the assing out of u and me, nobody wants that now) that i am wearing my masquarade for better times.

For better and for worse, there is a mama inside me ready to tinker away.

And there are far too many marking si am yet to see so solid on my own flesh and bone.

My duke needs his Mother back, and everything is going to alright.

Alright, aim higher than before.. but keep it in reach. It IS in your reach, it's how far forward you're willing to go to hold it and call it yours.

"i shall call it squishy and it shall be my squishy".

1 comment:

rachidesu said...

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming"


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