It has been quite a while since i've actually been bothered enough to type anything worthy.
Since that helluva black-out adventure when all hell and heather broke lose with hospital beds being moved into beer gardens and wheelchair races down the corridoors.
I see more and more of my real life now. With each passing day.
Sleep ins and being in charge of self.
There was obviously a snap decision when i realized THIS is not what i wanted out of life. There was a point in time where i had plans, and fucking brilliant plans might i add to be somewhere doing something I wanted to do, somewhere i wanted to be when i was twenty one going on twenty two.
There needed to be an abusive hiccup along the way to scu-wiff my actions.
If we look at things with a negative nancy perspective, guess what? It will gather every bit of evidence it has against you and throw it in your face. Proving once again, that mind matters.
I sat on my bed breathing as deep into my core as physically possible, which from a menthol-smokers point of view... is pretty damn far. Our Yoga .. Our LADY Yoga has been taken away from us. After writing a specifically mature and sensible letter to management about the way we as patients felt this programme was being run was taken on the chin.. to them... but in saying tha something we hell enjoy, such as our darling yoga has been yanked away!
So who can complain, my beautiful Tessa bought down my baby Last night after dinner for me to see... not in his HOME environment but most definately with his Mamm.
We got to kiss and cuddle while the brat shook and shuddered at every movement. But i got to see his wide eyes. Big Pupils and all.
Some specific decisions have been drawn up in rough greyled and rubber form for future plans.
This is not no time for factual evidence... just a space and void to fill before we scoop on back to get-bettersville. Aint about noo intake nor situated on the outake.
But definately wanting myself to love again, I believe this could be the 'bad day' i was talking about.
part from these ridges in the paper i am so happy. I'm happy.
People love stomping on my happiness, waiting for me to snap. "give it a week... okay give it two.... mine came on the fifth week". Please don't put me in the same fucking basket as you. Unlike the rest of nature i want to get better, infact i can literally SEE myself as better. In straight view from wherever i stand i can see myself in full swing of everything.
I will lie with the same person for the rest of my life, i will love and respect every movement every sound every whatsoever happens. This is mine, and it is as easy as ... love what the fuck you are. Fools know this, babies breath properly.
We're taught from a very young age to worry and stres about the most insignificant minute fucking details about everything. And then we're the first to tell them to toughen up when shit gets rough. Put on this mask i made you at birth, here'ya.
I finally have Escorted Leave with Family this week. And it's Wednesday Tomorrow and i don't know what to do. I'm so extremly excited that i'm panicking. I can now LEAVE when i want with my sister.. and only for a few hours here and there but come ON.
This is me finding my feet again, things are steady... i needed a spring kick in the caboose and now i'm raring with more confidence than ever before.
This is mine, fuck you for ever thinking you ould touch it.
PS. Oh Denis.. i'm in love with you..
It's been a year, a fucking year.