This is a quick, well i suppose it's a rant.
Not meaning to take a direct bullet towards anyone. ANYONE.
I have met the most amazing people this year, beit face to face or face to screen. When i say these people have changed my life. Given me freedom. Some steady pace. Though the numbers are still slightly falling, we're getting there. Head wise i feel so strong - body just hasn't caught up yet.
Triggering as it is, i wander over other Counters Blogs. Usually all advertising their daily eets.
One thing i can not stand.
I shouldn't be going somewhere tha i KNOW will do harm. Especially considering the state i'm in. I don't KNOW any of these people. Not on any personal level anyway(if you think this is directed at you, it's not. I've never spoken on or in reality to any of these people I LOVE YOU! ;])
(Off Topic - everytime i taste that feeling of cold. That uncontrollable urge to run to the fridge and eat everything i can is seconds away... i am so afraid of a binge. When i eat, i feel i binge. I want to be able to eat every second of every day. This scares the shit out of me. I star jump, so i can eat a few extra bits at night. I'll go for a half hour fast walk so i can eat a fucking lindt ball or two....Even though i'm trying to gain... this is fucking killing me. Literally)
I don't want to go to Hospital. I know i have to. but i don't want to. I don't want to have to eat with other disordered eaters. I don't want to spend forty days away from my comfort zone, anorexia loves the fact it has so much attention here.
I love the fact i can eat MORE low calorie foods, because it means while i'm eating.. i'm eating. I'm comfortable. Sure, i'll bustmy chops of a morning night, midday, afternoon, mid morning.. whenveer i get a second alone.. mum caught me doing star jumps rightbefore dinner tonight. I was so ashamed i went for a walk! Work THAT one out.
Anyway, these other bloggers post what they ate. I don't know who's recovering and who's maintaining. Honestly it doesn't matter. It still LOOKS quite distortered/disordered to me. I understand they help eachother. But the bowls are tiny, or is that the angle? This obsesed with spoons of peanut butter. That is NOT normal. I want NORMAL back, myself back. without the excess weight/wait. I don't want to eat the same as every other recovering anorexic. Hell i want to have pringles and watch Vicar of Dibley in my knickers on 32 degree night.
I want to ring up my best friends and go get ice cream and go fora walk along the beach.
I don't want to feel like i 'have' to work out to 'deserve' certain things.
I use to be fucking happy. SOmething told me i didn't deserve it.
That something has to go away. And with it, is all the peanut butter stories and spin class bullcrap... because i've found myself steaming broccoli and brussle sproutsto the extreme.. my weight still drops.. and i compare bmi's and weights and read how they're all going to start working out harder... that's ot me.
Nor is it normal.
There is Normal. And there is constantly recovering...
- For the coming year
- Don't look back in anger
- Dad - Air Conditioning - Eating Disorder = Mess.
- Deed Arm, Boxing Day
- 1254 CHRISTMAS MORNING
- I can see a better time..
- Eves of Christmas II
- For Melynda.
- Sterling is home.
- Nothings gonna change
- I made no bakes !
- Vanilla Bebe
- Meet Duke, Duke Meet World
- "if you don't take advantage of the different thin...
- Crawling on your knees towards me
- The Usuals.
- Tales of a Mad Dame I
- ▼ December (17)