Friday, December 26, 2008

Dad - Air Conditioning - Eating Disorder = Mess.

This is a quick, well i suppose it's a rant.
Not meaning to take a direct bullet towards anyone. ANYONE.
I have met the most amazing people this year, beit face to face or face to screen. When i say these people have changed my life. Given me freedom. Some steady pace. Though the numbers are still slightly falling, we're getting there. Head wise i feel so strong - body just hasn't caught up yet.

Triggering as it is, i wander over other Counters Blogs. Usually all advertising their daily eets.
One thing i can not stand.

I shouldn't be going somewhere tha i KNOW will do harm. Especially considering the state i'm in. I don't KNOW any of these people. Not on any personal level anyway(if you think this is directed at you, it's not. I've never spoken on or in reality to any of these people I LOVE YOU! ;])

(Off Topic - everytime i taste that feeling of cold. That uncontrollable urge to run to the fridge and eat everything i can is seconds away... i am so afraid of a binge. When i eat, i feel i binge. I want to be able to eat every second of every day. This scares the shit out of me. I star jump, so i can eat a few extra bits at night. I'll go for a half hour fast walk so i can eat a fucking lindt ball or two....Even though i'm trying to gain... this is fucking killing me. Literally)

I don't want to go to Hospital. I know i have to. but i don't want to. I don't want to have to eat with other disordered eaters. I don't want to spend forty days away from my comfort zone, anorexia loves the fact it has so much attention here.
I love the fact i can eat MORE low calorie foods, because it means while i'm eating.. i'm eating. I'm comfortable. Sure, i'll bustmy chops of a morning night, midday, afternoon, mid morning.. whenveer i get a second alone.. mum caught me doing star jumps rightbefore dinner tonight. I was so ashamed i went for a walk! Work THAT one out.

Anyway, these other bloggers post what they ate. I don't know who's recovering and who's maintaining. Honestly it doesn't matter. It still LOOKS quite distortered/disordered to me. I understand they help eachother. But the bowls are tiny, or is that the angle? This obsesed with spoons of peanut butter. That is NOT normal. I want NORMAL back, myself back. without the excess weight/wait. I don't want to eat the same as every other recovering anorexic. Hell i want to have pringles and watch Vicar of Dibley in my knickers on 32 degree night.

I want to ring up my best friends and go get ice cream and go fora walk along the beach.

I don't want to feel like i 'have' to work out to 'deserve' certain things.
I use to be fucking happy. SOmething told me i didn't deserve it.

That something has to go away. And with it, is all the peanut butter stories and spin class bullcrap... because i've found myself steaming broccoli and brussle sproutsto the extreme.. my weight still drops.. and i compare bmi's and weights and read how they're all going to start working out harder... that's ot me.
Nor is it normal.
There is Normal. And there is constantly recovering...



Okie said...

Hey lovie, it's good that you recognize that this is triggering to you. I don't read the daily eat blogs much either, save for a few, because I don't think they help my progress in any way.
I mean, come on, my meals aren't balanced at all, I don't work out, I eat bigger portions, I eat more ice cream and less peanut butter! So don't worry, you are so not alone. :) Please keep pressing on dearie, you're worth far too much to led this ED control your life!
I love you tons and tons and tons and tons! :)

Jemima said...

Honey I know exactly what you mean about the eating thing.. I drink litre upon litre of diet soda because I don't feel 'right' unless there's something going IN all the time. I spoke to my nurse about it and she looked at me and said 'you're starving' I laughed. I eat 2500 a day - by all accounts I am not starving. She then explained that physiologically no matter how much you eat, until you are at a normal healthy weight your body is still starving - crying out for nourishment and food.
To simplify and personalise a traditional formula
exercise + restriction = hospital
exercise + formulated meal plan = probably still hospital
sedentary (for now) + meal plan + anything you like on top = chance of staying out.

I've done the IP thing. 2 years of it - and yeah whoop de doo I gained a little weight back. I also became so so entrenched in my ED - comparing myself to the other anorexics. Honey you can DO this. You DESERVE to stay out of hospital, to live your life.
Please please please keep going.
PS - camera angles are a nightmare. I photogrpah some of my food, and I always end up trying to make it look 'as small as I can' in case anyone thinks I'm greedy. Portion sizes always look smaller in photos. I promise.

Kiki said...

Sometimes I feel like this blog of mine was a bad idea, it's ruining my chances of ever eating normally. Instead of having a meal of pizza, like normal people would do, I make my own whole wheat one with low sodium sauce. And I make sure to include another grain and a vegetable with it, just because I'm afraid of what the other anorexics on here will think if everything isn't perfectly balanced. I don't know what to do.

I really hope you don't go to IP. I want you to be able to eat pringles and watch vicar of dibley (what?) and get ice cream with a friend. I don't want you to be sent IP, stuck in constant recovery, comparing yourself to the other anorexics. You deserve better.

Burp~! said...

oh...hope you feel better! sometimes reading these blogs can be triggering, but I did find some ED-recovery blogs to be quite beneficial...maybe you can pick and choose?

Kiki said...

You can always message me on CC. I still log in every week or so to check my messages.

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