Monday, December 29, 2008

Don't look back in anger

So let me just get this out, clear some clouds.My arms and chest are killing me, could be from the anorexia. Could be from the Wii. I'll stick with the Wii, to lessen the freak out that could be.
I'm going to meet Manda in town later for a coffee, fitting something as simple as 'coffee with Manda' into my day is like raping wood. I have to pre-organise what carbohydrates to have and where, what time to organise things like my mid-morning, mid afternoon snacks. It's bullshit.
And i realized, well no.. i just re-realized out loud that for the rest of my life this is it. Not in a depressing way. But in an eye opening 'every bite, every morning, every bit of normality.... up the pooper'.

I had my appointment with both my Nutritionist and Psyche this morning. We sat in the same room, went over the same 'how was the week' bullcrap and then it hit me.. I'll be in In Patient for my 22nd Birthday. Sure i'll have Day Release by then.. And sitting there in silence while i slowly, very slowly tiled my head back as to stop myself from crying. I haven't genuinely cried over something that ISN'T this disease since i saw Across the Universe almost two years ago. Crying use to be so fucking natural. As did laughing. People don't realize just what they have till it's not there. Cliche as it may sound. You can laugh. Right now.. you can think of something and laugh. Or smile. I know when i'm smiling, because it's not often real. So when i laugh, i concentrate so much on that laugh that i anticipate the next laugh for weeks.
I didn't realize hospital was inevitable. Well ED didn't realize hospital was inevitable. I thought that if i could prove i could at least maintain(which i did, by the way. no loss, but that's a given because my guts are killing me.. last night i didn't want to eat. not because i'm diseased. but because the thought of eating anymore made me ill...i had to eat...) then i wouldn't have to go into hospital.

It will be a relief. For me. I won't have to re-do this mornings shit. "I'm not having Oats this morning, i'll have eggs. But i need some kind of carbohydrate.. but then i won't have the coffee with Manda, what carbs will i have with dinner? I'll use fats from the cheese to make it balanced, what will i have for snack? Am i relying too much on pre-packaged food for in between meals? Maybe i'll have toast, but then we're back at carbs" This went on for twenty minutes. Before i realised i was late for my appointment and had the same fucking oats. Without Maple Syrup.. oooh way to show that Anorexia who's boss Lauren.

So hospital IS inevitable. And for the first time in months.. i cried because i realized this is it. I won't be able to wake up to Duke. Fall asleep to Duke. Knuckle head Duke when he does that cute little talk when he runs. For Forty Days. There is a sunken feeling, and it's not the Black Coffee i just had.

Fuck. What have i fucking done.

I walked out, by the way.
I walked out of my appointment because i didn't want to see my mothers pitiful face when hospital was mentioned yet again.
Instead, i went to the fruit and vegetable shoppe next door and 'almost' pikced up a box of "Black and White" popcorn. Natural Popcorn dipped in White and Chocolate Chocolate.

What is my fear of Carbohydrates?
I need energy.
I'm nervous about what coffee to have.
Do i take it as a snack?
That's not normal.
I pre-plan everything i eat.
All i do is food.
All i think is food.
All i want is food.
All i want to avoid is food.
All i want is myself back.
And i can't take my own advice.

I don't have the energy to do this anymore.
So i know hospital is infact, the best way to beat Ed.
But is that giving in, in itself?

How is that showing Ed who's boss?
All i want to do is restrict because it IS inevitable. I fucking hate this so much.

I got a package from Melynda this morning and cried. Wuthering Heights with my favourite Chocolates. How a sweetheart can manage to make me smile at sucha time is beyond me.

I need advice, i need guidence, i need my grandma to be here to help me feel that happiness again, to let me know everything IS going to be alright. And i can do, i can be, i can want whatever i want. AND be happy.
It is only as hard as we make it.

I choke on my own advice.
I need someone to tell me what to eat for lunch.
What to eat for dinner.

Now i'm just thinking out loud.
A little help.


I'm screaming here.


Burp~! said...

hang on there...don't give up! if hospitalization is necessary, so be it. you might not see duke for 40 days, but wouldn't you rather have more quality time with him afterwards when you're better?

dollymixtures said...

Honey this breaks my heart :(
I want you to be better so badly...I want you to be healed. I want you to be able to think straight and free from ED's vicious power over your thoughts and judgements.

Please try not to worry about 'the right nutritional balance.' You are getting a balanced diet, from what I can tell. Eat what you want. Eat what you feel like. Buy that goddamn popcorn. Do you really want to be in hospital any longer than you have to sweets?

Have a nice cream cheese bagel for lunch :)

I love you so much, I need you to know, and it hurts to see you like this :/ Stay as strong as you can honey, you CAN do this <3

Kiki said...

It makes me really, really, sad to see you going through this. I wish you could just go out for coffee, and not worry about whether it's your drink or snack or carbs or whatever.

All i do is food.
All i think is food.
All i want is food.
All i want to avoid is food.
All i want is myself back.
And i can't take my own advice.

This is so true, it almost made me cry. I tell myself that I'm recovering, but I'm really not because of the above reasons. And I try to give others sage advice for pushing through the voices, but I don't take my own advice when the same thing is happening to me. I don't think I'm making sense, sorry.

I don't think going to IP is "giving in". It's possibly the only thing that can save you now, and admitting that is probably one of the best ways you can show ED who's boss. You know that you can't do this on your own, and it's a big step to give control of your recovery to someone else. Don't restrict though, that'll just pull you further down and make it even harder to beat this and go on to live a happy life.

Please pull through this. I want you to get better.

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