Vanilla Bebe

I had an appointment with my Nutritionist today.

".....You know i see more of this place than i do hot dinners.....metaphorically speaking"

I have an assessment with the Clinic next week, either Tuesday or Friday. Which i am quite use to now(being the days i usually have appointments, bar every other Wednesday with my GP).

You think it's fun, being that routine that you don't go to reception anymore, they know your name and how you like your coffee?

And each time i'm reminded of a happy memory, the first thing i want to do is go home and eat a hearty high calorie meal. Not because i want to binge. But because i want to be better now. I want these thoughts to be gone. To be thinking about food every single second of every single day. Which N laughs at because technically THAT WAS ALWAYS ME! But i had time, and a life. And a LAUGH.

I messaged my brother this morning on the drive out to the Village .. passing the street he use to live at.. where i'd go with my ex boyfriend and we'd just hang out, but these were my best friends. My brother and my sister in law. My nephew and my boyfriend. We'd order the meanest of pizzas and drink and laugh and then fall asleep in my nephews bed(he'd be long crawled in with his mum and dad by then). I pretty much lived there. I remember when G would be like "Mummys House. Daddys House. Gabeys House and Lozshes House!" I remember getting all tearied. But i miss that so much. Weight was always an issue with me. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. But it was never, EVER this bad. I had Implanon. Yes, and it did cause some weight gain. But apart from that i didn't bother exercising. My exercise was of a Saturday/Sunday crossover dancing at Eureka with Nadsy and Brooke.

I met somebody, who. No matter what happens. Changed my life. Be it his charm, wit or air. Whatever the hell it was i was caught. But i liked it. There was a force there stronger than anything i'd felt in a long time. I didn't know what it was. Or how to sum it up. But it was very much present. Words were constantly exchanged. And many a time weight was somehow a core subject matter. Not until recently did i realize that the driving force behind it all was NOT infact this one person. But built up bullshit from years of holding not weight, but fury. Angst and all that other teenage bullshit.

Anorexia is not about food.
Eating Disorders are NOT about food.

Let's make that very clear.

My weight has dropped once again, what pisses me off is that this Disease is so strong. That with the amount i AM eating(still unintentionally over estimating values and still striking the low cal key) Anorexia is winning.

They want me in over the Christmas/New Year break as to make doubley sure my weight does not drop any lower. As this would mean more Heart Problems.

"Mum, i may not be able to have children.......ever"
"Lauren, we'll handle that when we get there.. but i know baby.. i know"

I'm posting what i ate today.

Love & Eggnog.
x