Monday, December 22, 2008

Eves of Christmas II

Vanilla wrapped in Bastard II
Tomorrow morning i go into In Patient Clinic to get assessed.As my nutrionist, psychologist, everyone has told me.. this isn't the final straw... yet.The many, many, many, many......many.. Well it's been since March, every week.. lordy knows i know that 10AM Tuesday/Friday drive like the back of my cigarette-smilied hand. I've walked in those doors and dropped, yet again with the promise 'no, i've just had a bad week.. i'll try harder, i promise.. i'm not ready for hospital'.
Noone is 'ready' to be force fed infront of a nurse.Noone is 'ready' to be kept in a room for half an hour after a meal to make sure you don't try and work out, or purge(which again, never done, never planned on doing, never will do.)
It just happens to fall on the Eve of Christmas Eve. On the day of my Granma Nessies best friends Funeral, RIP German Anna. You were such a sweet thing.You forget just how manipulative ED/XIA/ANA is. Honestly, last few days have been a fucking nightmare for me. Care to know why?

I woke up with all good intentions, as per usual.Changed the alarm on my phone to some stupid 'rumba' type noise.. that i knew would make me at least smile on rising. Bang around for automatic to ipod speakers hit play jolt around in bed to 'jig' metabolism. Star jump and run on spot to rev myself up. Stretch every bone in my body.. each time avoiding hitting my baby who just wants to snuggle and say good morning. "the longer i lie in, the longer i put off exercising". This isn't me, i tell myself it's me. It's ED. He is the master of all puppet mastery.
Fucking KNOWS he has a tight grip lately. I say some of the most cruel, vile, potent things when he's at the hull. Honestly, i would fucking hate me.

And i've lost so much. It's not a pity thing. My brother doesn't look at me the same.. it fucking kills me. And i know why. As i've read somewhere it is like an abusive relationship. Eating Disorder and Me. Imagine the front cover at your local Video Store. It'd be in the Cheap Bin on VHS for $2.99, and only genuine movie buffs would pick it up to read the blurb. ED would have his arms around me and it'd be a peachy coloured sleave.

He hates this thing, he hates everything it's taken from me and him. He hates the fact i let it have my life hands down, no war. Just took it and i let it. So it's as if, he blames ED.. and i just have to suffer the consequences.if that makes sense. ED could do murder, and get away with it. Because i'd be the one behind bars. "Laurens always on holidays though!".I know, how fucking easy.. and simple that sounds.. and how fucking awesome my life must look from the outside. I wouldn't wish this fucking hell on my worst enemy. There are 100 moments in a day where i don't see a point. I have put the pedal to the floor to feel anything. Literally, forcing a laugh as i watch the speedo going further round the dash. To feel... anything.

Because there are so many times, i would be at ease if he just won. Him winning, is taking it all. A genuine weeeiner.
I need some fucking thrill, i can't be doing this for the rest of my life. I can't do that dud smile and say 'yeah, but i'm in recovery' for ANOTHER 8 months. People didn't even 'believe' i had a problem till they started SEEING the 'result' of the disorder. Had to weight before anyone believed me.

So, who knows what happens tomorrow. Maybe i will, maybe i won't. Merry Christmas BabiesTo the lot of you, i love you. To guts and glory, the rest.. you penetrate me enough to mention penetrate in a blog.

I feel fat, because
1. Vanilla Chiller from Gloria Jeans
2. Went out for Khan Curry with my best friends
3. Went out for Sushi with my best friends
4. Restricted for two days prior to 'outings'.
5. Tried to follow 'intiuitive eating'... fucked that one up.
6. With all good intentions... i'm ruining this for myself.

Please leave me the fuck alone ED, i don't want you anymore.
I'm crying while i'm writing this. I don't think i've ever hated something so bad in all my life. Whythe fuck do you choose people, why can't we choose you. You don't have a hold on me, you DO... you let me THINK you're gone.. you let me THINK i'm getting better..

I hate you.


Okie said...

Lauren. :(
This breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this, that ED won't just leave you alone and go away. I don't really know what else to say except that I will pray for you. Even now I am praying for you. I love you so much girlie.
When I think about people suffering from them, and if I could say anything to them that they would know is the absolute truth, it would be this: you are so loved. You don't have to go through this to get all of that love.
Praying for you.
Don't really know what else to say.
Love you.

dollymixtures said...

This post really makes me cry :/ I love you so much honey, you are amazing and you can fight through this. This awful disease...It literally consumes us. It affects our relationships with family, it creates pain and disharmony, but we can beat it. You're so strong :) If I could I'd go down to Australia and proper give ED a beating for you. I know you'd do the same for me :) Love you so much sweets xxxx

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