Monday, December 15, 2008

Sterling is home.

From one brutal path to another.
The continuation of Bungalow Bill(or the bullshit drama that was Sunday Evening)

ED hadn't finished. Nowhere near, i walked into my sisters room to find her in bed sobbing. The two people i can NOT stand seeing upset/ill/in anyway not themselves.. is my Mother and my baby sister. No matter WHAT the case.

She walked into the kitchen and just hugged me.
I didn't react, i had no more energy to cry. I had screamed so much that i was on a massive high. I could have for miles on that anger flow alone. But i knew the next day would be back to the usual, i would bend backwards.. take it as you will.. and she would monosyllabic the day away. We would argue because i say "are you sure you're alright" too much. And she would do that smirk, the one that she got from her Father.

Phonecall from 7 this morning. He has booked the assesment at the clinic.
Tuesday at 10.30AM
Christmas Eve Eve.
And till then, i apparently await a bed.
I eat a scone in place of crying. I don't flail, i don't kick and scream. I walk to the breadbin, past the gutter rats who are weaving my legs.. ignore them total and heat up a Blueberry and White Chocolate Scone.

My Fetus made my midnight oats taste of salty maple goodness last night -
I forget that this whole time, she has only been at my side. And tried to understand. My two best friends. My two harts. Constant reminder.
"You were always beautiful."
Why did ED make me feel otherwise? Noone is ever meant to revel in their own beauty no. There were always going to be bad days. For all i'm ass-uming men don't know the common sense of "fat days". I still get them, at 52.7kg i still get fat days.

But i'd roll out of bed, be the same size and the day went on.
The world kept on turnin' burnin' however you played your tune.

'cept now, you can't see past the next meal. "Planning goals" means, what food will be readily available and irrational starts nit picking at my rational. Rubbing it the wrong way.

This is a scene from my shower this morning.
A conversation betweens -
But i'm not eating till i'm uncomfortable, i could, i'd love to. But you can't, because you will get fat, how will i get fat? all i eat is the things that are completely good for me. Because your body is malnourished. But i've been eating? But you haven't been eating enough. What will i get so and so for Christmas? I wonder how much you'll leave behind on your plate at christmas time. Maybe i'll have a glass of cider, i doubt it. Do you know how many carbs are in cider? Why is Carbs such a fear lately? why do you bother eating? When the fuck will i be able to shower alone?


1 comment:

dollymixtures said...

Honey Im so worried about you and your sister , i hope it all works out for you. And I really hope you are OK in IP...You are an AMAZING BEAUTIFUL person, and you CANT be fat...I know how youfeel though..ED still makes us have Fat,restrictive thoughts. BUt we're not and we certinly shudnt restrict...Eat that blueberry muffin hun!:) xxxxxxx

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