Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Crawling on your knees towards me

Morning Report -

Breakfast always seems to be the most stressful time of the day. Perhaps because by the end of the previous night i've tired ED over with compulsive thoughts of 'i'm going to beat you, whether you like that or not is beyond me... but why bother?' And so it doubles in strength while i'm at my weakest. Even though mornings are my favourite. Apart from the clock and all that junk.

I've been running crazy lately hoarding, trampling. Spending money like a last Christmas is about to occur. My mum has been pretty down lately, i'm afraid she thinks this may in fact be my last christmas.

I was thinking about one of my friends yesterday for a long time, this person came into my life when i was nothing but a bra-less brat with knotty brown ringlets and blundstone booties.
We were best friends from word go. And she is still that same girl today. Nothing has changed, she probably became even more attractive, if possible. But that'd be it. She has the personality of a winner and is an 'all round good guy'. I can understand completely why i have lost alot of friends throughout this. But i have also come to accept that sadly, it was not my doing. After beating myself up for a year. Both psychologically and physically i've come to realize that at the end of the day this is a psychological disease that just happened to grab me when i was at my most vulnerable. When i honestly believe shit was starting to work out.
I hope she knows just how much i adore the living pants off of her. Always will.

Since taking recovery seriously(although hard to believe, it has been a year since the first inkling that something was wrong occured. Or as i like to think, a year since i went about things the wrong way. For the wrong reasons.. anyway, a year.. go figure).
My psych has been away finishing his degree, so i have been double dating my nutritionist twice a week. Who, bluntly explained to me that since quitting the Resource Plus(a 360 calories hospital meal suppliment) I have dropped dramatically again and since Christmas Stint will see me three weeks without ANY outside support. She see's it fit for me to be in Inpatient(at a clinic) over the break. For more than one reason, i have fought against the idea of In Patient.

- "I don't want to be like every other anorexic."
- "I got myself IN this mess, i want to fight my way out."
- "I fucking hate hospitals."
- "I don't think being around other Anorexics is going to do me any good."

Some of the real clinkers.
So i see her tomorrow, after they do their weekly team meeting with the head of the EDC. Who i haven't seen since.. March. When i first started seeking professional help.

I'm still amazed by the fact that since eating, i have dropped 15kg. Because i was so use to low calorie foods. What i want, and what Anorexia wants are very different things. I can't stand being gawked at by strangers. ED thrives on that shit. I've gone without because 'something' overpowers me saying "Well, noone is around to support you.. or give you a pat on the back.. so don't"

Knowing full well this is a head screw in itself. I have taken a real liking to Cooking. And Nutrition. Not that i can ever persue a career in it. Lately, teaching has been really on the cards. Eventually anyway. There is so much i want and need to do. I don't have time, or the remaining effort to fight with this bitch. I never thought the road would be this long. But it is the worthiest fight i could possibly imagine.

I'll post another tonight, i have things to attend to.

-Cleaning out the Laundry
-Loads of Washing... speaking of which.. where the HELL is Summer!?
-Clean out Family Room
-Make Dinner
-Grocery Shop (stock up on Vanilla Soy)
-Wanna go to the Mill Markets. Hoard some bargains.
-Organise Dinner for the next week.(I find it easier to cope with Breakfast/Snacks/Lunch if i know what we're planning for dinner. I know it's Anorexias Slap to the arse.. preparing for restriction.. but the more i eat, the more dull it becomes. Took alot to work that one out.)

Later Baby

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