Saturday, December 13, 2008

Nothings gonna change

I don't know what happened before -

The past few days, nobody has really been up for leaving the house. Which I, Me.. would have loved. Xia, does not. For no movement means with each passing second ('no matter what') Things turn. Muscle turns to fat, thoughts turn to food. Food, Food, Food, Food. It is glorious. When i fight the voice.

Me and Tessa have had the same relationship for the past 20 years.
It is tight, but only on her terms. There is no Love You's.. unless "SAY IT BACK!" from me. In which she mumbles. Considering i may be spending Christmas/New Year in IP i kind of thought it'd be wonderful to just go for a cruise with her. Since she has met 9* she was on cloud.. well there you have it. And i was ecstatic for her. Of course i was worried at first, with the minor details. But never, ever questioned her. Only the surroundings of the matter.

I would do anything for this girl, literally anything she asked. Done.
The tiniest movement to the boulder she rocks. I would fucking kill for her.

Xia pushed my foot to the floor and as my car revved past 120 as i screamed 'YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO ME? I POUR MY HEART OUT AND NO WORDS FROM YOU!?'
Nothing.

Nothing.

I slowed down to a steady 100 and continued to pour my fucking heart out.
Be it the 'if this is some kind of pity arguement i don't want it, just say SOMETHING'

She smirks.
As per usual.

She sits there, and smirks. While i tell her how close i have come to caving in to my own disease.
She sits there.

When we get home, she gets out with a smirk 'well.... what do you WANT me to say?'

I wait in the car going over what the fuck just went on, after everything. And she packs up like nothing has happened. I walk past mum and dad.. who have already heard her parts of the happening.
'She's upset'

Hang about, i'm rude... and it's out of line.
Tessa can do nothing, say nowt. Smirk, be as rude as the light of day.. and "that's just Tessa"


Right.
I see.

On top of all this, each time it occurs. I cave in. I walk up to her, say nothing and cuddle her.
And each time i promise myself i'll wait. I waited 3 days once. And all i got was 'so why are you ignroing Tessa?' from Mam.

So what do i fall back on?
Anorexia.
I lock myself in my room and run on the spot till i run out of breath, which is hard. When you have nothing to move. So i go to crunches. get to 250 and don't feel a rush. So i start jumping jacks till 'something' tells me to stop.

In time for placement of afternoon tea i prepare their chicken shnitzel and potatos and come on here to write the shit out of a crappy entry.

Fuck that for a bag of potato chips.

2 comments:

dollymixtures said...

Hun, I'm so sorry about all the crap you're going through right now :[
*Hugs*
I want you to know you're coping really well though, and despite all the emotional shit you just have to eat through it. I know it's hard, Ive been there too. You're doing so well and don't want to fuck it up

stay strong :) xxxx
<3

Jemima said...

I am a firm believer that what doesn't kll you makes you stronger. You are going through tough times right now but it *will* get better and think, once you've conquered ED, there will be NOTHING you can't do!!

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