Monday, January 5, 2009

Another Tuesday Morning

All blended so well up until Midnight 2009.
Seriously, i couldn't tell a day from a week from a month to yes, a solid year with this demon.
I don't want to be always in recovery. And i understand i went in there each week, with that smile and that strong 'sense' of self. It was never truley there. Anorexia had a 'way' with words.

ED let me feel like i was strong enough to go through with Out Patient and Hospitilization was always 'at my heels'.

I found out this morning, that if i DON'T go in to the Geelong Clinic that i will be sent, because it we went through the Public Health System(we were not yet privately covered, however we are now) that i'd be sent to the Royal Melbourne or the Swanston Centre(now a Psyche house, use to actually be my Old Primary School.) against my will, against my parents will. And would all fall under the Mental Health Act.

I have an appointment on Thursday at 11.15 with the 'big guy', as i call him. This O' Fellow was mentioned by name so many times before i actually got my first appointment with him, he is the HEAD of the Eating Disorders Clinic in Geelong and Outer Geelong.

I don't know if i can do or say anything that will let him think i am capable of doing this on my own. Funnily enough, not only now do i have the support network via the internet (CC) that i've always been searching for, FUCK why didn't i stumble across them sooner? But i have the drive and passion to now do this. On my own.

Don't you think i'm sick of spending all my money on food that's never touched?
Don't you think i'm sick of listening to something that isn't there, yet always there?
Don't you think i'm sick of spending every single day eating, if not eating, burning it off, if not burning it off, searching ways to burn it off in the future, if not that then searching recipes, images of food, cooking food, planting food.
A couple of years ago i could name names of people that would mention my weight never as an issue to me. Though i do suppose it was an issue. I wanted to be able to look how i felt. Strong in body as i was in personality. I reached that goal in February.

And now, now i sit here writing a list of things i need to buy to take in to hospital with me.
"The girls make it quite there own space, photos, teddies, music.."

"Really, because that's not my home. And i don't want to remember a time where i was 'comfortable' in an eating disorder facility".

I don't want to have fucking breakfast with a bunch of girls that have BEEN in there before.
I don't want to know them. Sure, maybe in a few years time i'll thank all these people. But not now, these are the same people that wouldn't listen to me when i was in the 'average weight range' yet working out up to four hours a day because i 'ate too much iceburg lettuce'.
The same people that tried to give ALL RESPONSIBILITY to my mother, to a twenty one year old daughter? Yeah, like that was going to fucking work. Numb Skulls.

I don't want pitiful eyes my way anymore, that shit makes me feel sick.
And i don't want to wake up with sore hipbones. Which is why i reach for the extra Tim fucking Tam. Which is why i crack the shits when there isn't enough oats left at midnight.

And to my little sister, who just stood there and watched me cry my heart out and all she could say was "well... what do you want me to say.."
I knew you were pretty short of showing emotion, but that crosses the border to just plain cruel. I'm the one giving you support because a boy hurt you, or because you were vomitting from tiring your body out so much, or because i think you LOOK upset... i'm the one supporting you.... and when i needed a hug, that's all i fucking needed. You just stood there, did that slight roll of eye and asked "well... what do you want me to say.."

Those are the pitiful eyes i do not want around me, i don't want you to hang out with me because you think that's what i need anymore. I don't want you to be around me if you think that's what i want.

Just think.

Chew your own tablets, i've got enough.


dollymixtures said...

Aww sweets, you can survive this :( Just think how strong you can think right now...Imagine how strong you will be when totally free of ED's grasp.

It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard being away from home...being away from the things and people you love. But think of it as the ultimate way of showing ED the finger. Even though you are dreading it...Try to think of positives. Maybe it WILL help you mentally. I really hope you will get computer access as I'll proper miss you :(

Anonymous said...

<3 you. I know what you are going through - that's how I ended up in two different hospitals throughout the winter and spring of 2008. It's rough. But even though its hell, its not as bad as we all draw it up to be. Honestly, while I wouldn't want to go back, after a week or so I really did stop resenting being hospitalized and was able to make the most of it. I'm firmly convinced I wouldn't have relapsed if it weren't that damned awful stomach virus so soon after I got home...which then led me back down the rabbit hole.
No matter what happens, you will be strong enough to cope with it and make the most of whatever cards your dealt. I know that you have more than enough attitude and drive to make recovery yours and yours alone, no matter where you are or who you are surrounded by.
<3 Rebel

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