All blended so well up until Midnight 2009.
Seriously, i couldn't tell a day from a week from a month to yes, a solid year with this demon.
I don't want to be always in recovery. And i understand i went in there each week, with that smile and that strong 'sense' of self. It was never truley there. Anorexia had a 'way' with words.
ED let me feel like i was strong enough to go through with Out Patient and Hospitilization was always 'at my heels'.
I found out this morning, that if i DON'T go in to the Geelong Clinic that i will be sent, because it we went through the Public Health System(we were not yet privately covered, however we are now) that i'd be sent to the Royal Melbourne or the Swanston Centre(now a Psyche house, use to actually be my Old Primary School.) against my will, against my parents will. And would all fall under the Mental Health Act.
I have an appointment on Thursday at 11.15 with the 'big guy', as i call him. This O' Fellow was mentioned by name so many times before i actually got my first appointment with him, he is the HEAD of the Eating Disorders Clinic in Geelong and Outer Geelong.
I don't know if i can do or say anything that will let him think i am capable of doing this on my own. Funnily enough, not only now do i have the support network via the internet (CC) that i've always been searching for, FUCK why didn't i stumble across them sooner? But i have the drive and passion to now do this. On my own.
Don't you think i'm sick of spending all my money on food that's never touched?
Don't you think i'm sick of listening to something that isn't there, yet always there?
Don't you think i'm sick of spending every single day eating, if not eating, burning it off, if not burning it off, searching ways to burn it off in the future, if not that then searching recipes, images of food, cooking food, planting food.
A couple of years ago i could name names of people that would mention my weight never as an issue to me. Though i do suppose it was an issue. I wanted to be able to look how i felt. Strong in body as i was in personality. I reached that goal in February.
And now, now i sit here writing a list of things i need to buy to take in to hospital with me.
"The girls make it quite there own space, photos, teddies, music.."
"Really, because that's not my home. And i don't want to remember a time where i was 'comfortable' in an eating disorder facility".
I don't want to have fucking breakfast with a bunch of girls that have BEEN in there before.
I don't want to know them. Sure, maybe in a few years time i'll thank all these people. But not now, these are the same people that wouldn't listen to me when i was in the 'average weight range' yet working out up to four hours a day because i 'ate too much iceburg lettuce'.
The same people that tried to give ALL RESPONSIBILITY to my mother, to a twenty one year old daughter? Yeah, like that was going to fucking work. Numb Skulls.
I don't want pitiful eyes my way anymore, that shit makes me feel sick.
And i don't want to wake up with sore hipbones. Which is why i reach for the extra Tim fucking Tam. Which is why i crack the shits when there isn't enough oats left at midnight.
And to my little sister, who just stood there and watched me cry my heart out and all she could say was "well... what do you want me to say.."
I knew you were pretty short of showing emotion, but that crosses the border to just plain cruel. I'm the one giving you support because a boy hurt you, or because you were vomitting from tiring your body out so much, or because i think you LOOK upset... i'm the one supporting you.... and when i needed a hug, that's all i fucking needed. You just stood there, did that slight roll of eye and asked "well... what do you want me to say.."
Those are the pitiful eyes i do not want around me, i don't want you to hang out with me because you think that's what i need anymore. I don't want you to be around me if you think that's what i want.
Chew your own tablets, i've got enough.
- And on the Sabbath
- Too much Raspberry Tea?
- Tinker & Tantrum says She
- Utter Mindfulness
- She came in through the locked up bathroom
- You can turn it off, lucky bastards.
- Sheer Bliss and Common XB
- Meat Petals Bloom in a Bone Garden
- Double Tapping the Spotting Blog. - all over sorry...
- a bullshit chat of crappy boring thoughts.
- Gutless Wander
- If you wanna be happy
- Three, and counting
- To each and all.
- Another Tuesday Morning
- for Auld Lang Syne, my dear
- ▼ January (17)