Monday, January 19, 2009

Sheer Bliss and Common XB

Day 9
20.01.09How much a day can change. A lifetime in here, i forget that beyond the border is the street so often traveled. Especially on our wee journeys to "the land of k".Ward Round didn't go... my way. For anyone keeping up with my journaling. I am now using this as a way of venting my anger. Which DIDN'T work last night. I showed more than my true feathers. Deciding that a beautiful peacock needed to be branded fair deep into my flesh. But i can see myself avoiding anything pointie after leaving here.

(Though i am on first name basis with most of the Gribbles Ladies).Without sounding nuts(HA, really? Get it... ?) I couldn't think of a more beautiful place to be. I have lasted the week i set out to be. One day at a time. There is too much to mention in a blog. I am experiencing this. And the fear of forgetting the most minimal of stories SCARES me. They are worried that i am pissing too much. "Too Much".

Re-Feeding syndrome is one of the biggest setbacks for recovering anorexics. Or many eating disorders actually. Electrolytes in the blood 'spasm' and can cause high blood spikes and drops. Thus eventuating premature deaths due to Heart Attacks and other heart related problems. It really is very complicated.(Why was i so afraid of me? If for the pas week i have been 'protesting' that THIS IS ME, NOT MY ED. THIS IS LAUREN.) What a laugh. In all that, i was being flopped about, raggy doll style by my Eating Disorder.

My Psyche is standing outside of my door at present. The man in charge of this entire ward. I hit it last night. Well i booted the first layering of the bastard bottom bricks. The Wall.he sets you up for a bitch of a traumatic fall. Either you set yourself up all proper and proud on this edge. Or you climb, and it isn't until you are in reach that he starts stabbing your fingers with a spork. (we need more of those round here. Though watching an Eating Disordered Patient eating yogurt with a fork .. then giving up and just using her mouth was hilarious.)

I can't explain the friendships i've made here. For life. I am not lonely, says Lauren. If you do somewhere. In the most UNselfishly tone possible DO feel sorry for me. Don't. Not yet, because it has been us three for just over a week now. And i feel sorry for anyone not been given the chance to experience this. The friendships, the noises, the voices and the Valium, no really Valium?.I am not alone. I am at battle with the most evil of bastards. He lets you believe you are free.When i warned you of the manipulation.

I thought i heard my voice. I was trying so hard, SO hard. To eat when told, do everything by THEIR cards.And still i must press the fucking buzzer to ask to go to the loo. Embaressing. Soi wouldn't ask. Everything is magnified so of COURSE it looks like i piss alot. Especially when we are under watch before and after meals. On going jokes. Anybody... anybody... anybody... I kicked chairs. I stole Vegemite. I stole Sugar. "what the fuck are they gonna do NOT LET ME HAVE DESSERT!?"I am here for two reasons.I sat their at lunchtime. She looked at me nervously, SHE FINISHED HER MEAL BECAUSE SHE SAW ME FINISH MINE. "IF LAUREN CAN DO IT".

This feeling, this overwhelming ... heartening feeling... fuck... I helped.I am here for more than one reason. Gaining but more than independence. For the timing and the presence. The fear. I am under the greatest of care."THEYRE MAKING ME PISS IN A FUCKING JUG"Lauren, did you ever just think... maybe their could be something the matter? Maybe they ARE looking out for your best interests?I showed my true colours, and now i cut through each tendon. With the determination. The gutter bitter strength to move on. 5

0,000 thoughts a day. Eighty per cent of those thoughts have already happened... HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED.. We worry mostly about things that are literally.. fucking.. unchangable... And then we spend the rest of the time worrying about how we can make sure things don't happen like that again.
You can tell i'm in a psychiatric ward, can't you?

If the Valium helps me sleep. I'll take the fucking Valium.
Sounds reasonable.

Dear Lauren. Lashinal.
Please listen to your words.
And you tell me you're getting better.
-Rational Lauren Aged 4

"Sender: Lauren McManus, Crazytown."X

I'd recomened ... this.

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