Tuesday, January 20, 2009

You can turn it off, lucky bastards.

Wednesday Morning. Another one, could sickly find myself getting use to this feeling. Dependency issues from day one, from the girl who was very much too afraid to press the green nurses button.. not wanting to interrupt and almost breaking her bowels.
I tell myself, you know. I remind myself he’s still there.
Whilst lying through my gritted teeth to the bag o’ bones I see in the mirror before me. “I’m not even that skinny.”Cliché as it sounds for an Eating Disordered Heed. It is not sincere. I know I am skinny, hello my name is Rational Lauren and I am an Anorexic. My Anorexia does not, and will not let me acknowledge he fact that I know I am Skinny. Because I love hearing just how thin I am. It’s an accomplishment for me. And professionals know that.

- Why did I put the tiniest pair of shorts on yesterday, sure… 40 degrees outside. Seems quite normal really. On the outside. In here it should have, was probably.. and I would have noted it. Why did I do that, why did I feel the need to show people just what I have done to myself. What I can do and have put my body through.
- Keep staring, I feed from that.
- I am here because without me, what are you? WHO are you? WHERE are you?
- And so to conclude, at not even six thirty. Not falling back asleep after asking the nurse if I could pee. “Am I still doing the bucket thing” – Danger. I shall sit here. I shall write. Not by hand, not yet. This isn’t easier. But I should have realized.
I was getting overly frustrated that I was missing the grimiest and most insane details of my journey in these pastel gum like walls. I don’t wanna miss a thing, If Aerosmith can say it with meaning. So can I.

They haven’t come back to lock my door yet. They will. I almost feel bad, having it open. Not a temptation. But here I go again(On my own – urgh.. I hate you White Snake.) “I don’t want them to think I was…” And so on and so forth.
I don’t want them to think…They probably think..
I don’t want to take any of their time..Think Think Thunked Thanked Thenk. Drawing far too many comparisons between Male Accept, I say male. Acceptance at all really. And Worthyness. Why do I want to impress the nurses? I feel that is ‘me’ coming through. Though having to bunny-ear ‘me’ is quite a contradiction In itself really. I don’t know when I am ‘me’ enough to claim when it is infact ‘me’ (As Lauren, Not ED.) Talking. I’ve never been able to give mine a name, ED I associate with my father. Perhaps an underlying saga in itself.. somewhere.. deep in the dank bad docks of Eating Disorderland. I don’t want to be personalized with such a bastard(ED, not Ed.) Still, what better place for me to question my insanity than from where I lie my head this morn.

Where was I? (You can’t blame me, I’ve only just come to the realization that perhaps not everybody is against me. Perhaps pissing in a bucket could cure a disease or two.. of the literal kind.)

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, ‘so, this is the life.’But what is life? Oh George Harrison, you ask…so much of me. I want to please, I want people to know that I am genuine. Pure soft example. Being right now. Just over half hour ago I lay here waiting for sun up before I could piss. Many reasons, many qualms. An ordinary. A normie. Someone not living with an Eating Disorder. Anorexia. This Smug Prick. Would have just swung the legs to the side of ‘em and gone to the loo. No thinking. I had to think ahead, didn’t i? I’ll try and break that one down. Dot Points always help.
- I need to pee- It’s only another couple till handover, I can wait- Alright, I really gotta go… maybe I’ll go on the computer to waste time(I can get lost. Era and a lifetime.)
- Shit Lauren, just buzz the fricken nurse.Maybe I’ll just piss he bed. Maybe then they’ll ask me how I’m going. - Wow Lauren, and you tell me you’re stronger than it. - Am I talking to myself. - Alright, breath deep… and press…- No, it’s okay, I can wait. - I thought we were listening to our body.- MY body….. I’m sure that’s what you meant. (We are given an egg in Primary School to nurture. To watch, to keep safe. We will go to great lengths to make sure no harm comes to that egg. Little did I know, there was no actual Baby in that egg… I never, let harm become associated with that egg. That egg was the safest egg in the world that day……..The Moral to this story?

I won’t even pee when I need to…worried for what they’d think, wasting their time, waking other patients.. ‘real’ patience. I would rather have that feeling of tight, heat, pain because I’ve had to hold on for so long… than just listening to my body. So unlike the egg… a thought has already harmed my egg… which, in the situation like it is… could make or break the fact I may never know true nurture.

Juno reminds me all I ever wanted was to be a Mother, and at that very same time I am wondering what the professionals think I am thinking. I am wondering why they want me to take Valium. (Am I that bad, they want to dull me out? I’m wasting their time aren’t i) Completely ED. (I am destined to re name him. I don’t like association. . . “you remind me of…” “you look like”… I MUST stop doing that. It’s on the list.) I was so against Valium. Without stopping and thinking about it, I told them that was indepencey. I told them that was ‘me’ speaking ‘my mind’. Lauren, you daft woman.. your mind is ED. With all the carbs your body craved, with each time you neglected the poor Grey Matter and Cerebral Cortex of that glorious plant like glory.. you lost a bit more of you. The thing you think thinks for you. So don’t ever ask why you don’t have control. That, in itself.. is distorted. We You know why.

As I was saying. First Food. Then Sleeping. Now Pissing. What else shall I, IT, HIM, ED.. deprive me of before I decide to get better. (It is, afterall.. a decision. Lauren Decision.)“Do you WANT to get better?” – Probably one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been confronted with in my entire life. I can joke about, I can say I miss Sushi till I’m blue in the face and balls I tell everyone I have (HIM by the balls…. I’m not claiming to be a Transvestite… though with the lack of boobs, I wouldn’t second guess me either.)

“If I NEED Valium to help me have a good night sleep”(She proclaims, as she sits baggy eyed and sedated at 6.41AM) THEN I’LL HAVE THE FUCKING VALIUM TO HELP ME SLEEP.Did I ever stop and think, shit… what would THEY gain, being as against me as I THINK they are?
I can’t write straight when I’m at my most awake. So this is as clear as it’s gonna get. I refuse to apologise for my writing. Probably the only thing I can honestly say… this is me. Because as much as I kick and scream and protest so much… ED is part of me. One day I will, … one day I will.. DECIDE to turn him down. And use him to my advantage.. Like the gimp it is. But right now, especially in here… with that feeling of hollow aloneness… I need him more than anything in the world. Because this great big sea aint no place for an orphaned carnival goldfish.
I was actually onto something before, excited about getting it out. I type because my hand can no longer keep up. With the mention of Valium, (like I’m addicted before even taking it, right?) My brain is moving ten million reels over, over, over, wait….no.. it’s still going. And I know, I deserve a break. But in saying that. I want to remember every single crazy little thing called.. recovery.And sadly, ED (“I’d rather have proof of my trackings and be miserable, tired, irritated, sick, ill and silent…and remember everything…. Than healthy, recouperated, rested and well… and feel deprived for only being able to experience my story… and feel sorry.. again I wanna please. Somebody, anybody. For anyone not being able to be in my boots(which happen to be of the Ugg variety these days..) and know … Attention got me here. I don’t like to be stared at, but even turn your head from him. And he’ll put on the tiniest pair of shorts and saunter infront of you to gain any kind of repore.. any kind of acknowledgment… to know it’s real. And you can kick, point, blame and hate as much as you want Lauren…. But this key you here so much about.. of moderation, of life, of grails and bathroom doors…..is in the hand of but one mean, cruel…killer…..Who you don’t need. In reality. Rational knows that.

But until you eat up (me hearty, yo ho) You will not, shall not… and do not “DESERVE” to be I charge..
If that means buzzing a nurse to take a slash. So be it.


Ellie said...

Lauren, you're not big physically, not at all. What you are is bigger than your ED, mentally - you're a strong, strong girl. Keep fighting this. Except fighting the need to hold your pee. THINK OF THE KIDNEYS


Kirra said...

Lauren honey it breaks my heart to read this, it really does. What happened to the girl that scared the shit out of me because she was so tough and confident????
I love ya matey, keep fighting so we can go hang out (id really love that..)!! If you need anything, anything at all, you have my number xx

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