Tinker & Tantrum says She

24.01.2009

Saturday Morning. Another nights sleep, i was hoping it was just going to happen. And it did.

So this is what two solid weeks of insanity feels like?

Not sure how much i will pour out(Tessa, i know they're long but i try to jam it all in, in one mean swoop!.. STOP COMPLAING LAZY! - XXX) It's before Breakfast and .. Well i finished Twilight last night. Nadsy and the lot were so mesmirized? by the story. And 'jus couldn't put it down'. Whether it be the fact my body has been keeling. Or the fact i am seen as nothing but an Eating Disorder(which is ED screaming for attention.. yet again.)

Lauren - 21 - Alright

Ed - 4 - Little Bastard.. probably with a blonde bowl cut.

Last night we had Sing Star on. After a bad day i wanted to pick up the mood. I TOUCH MYSELF - THE DIVINYLS. Track one down, man i thought i could sing. Mum lied! Dammit! I hit so many 'awfuls'.. it should be called 'that's why we didn't call this game self-esteem-star'

I have decided that i will no longer go stressing my mind out to tell you all the little stories.

My anorexia is creeping into my life harder and deeper with every fight we all put up(the team' and i.) I will have my up's and downs. I will have my days where i punch walls, burn up into nothing, laugh so hard i almost pee.... and conveniantly won't be able to have a nurse close by to unlock my door.

I'm experiencing this amazing utter fucking amazing time. And i'm more worried about letting the world know. I want something 'else' to come out of this. But i am stressing so much about lettig you all know. That i'm not stopping to just revel in the moment. (Complete contradiction considering most the classes latey are all about living in the now, present "MINDFULNESS".

I didn't realize how long i would be in here. But learning things.. such as i am apparently the most ill anorexia patient(I'VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS HALF ARSED. WHY DID I HAVE TO CHOOSE SOMETHING LETHAL TO BE SO GOOD AT!?) Always trying to impress, aren't you Disordered little bitch? Comparison, is it's passion. However, being in here.. i can see out there.....

Never was gonna be a vice versa, we use to drive past and i'd flip this building off so bad.

So, the dial ins to these pages will be less often. but i am scrawlign down what i want. I'm writing for me. I have to start, actually following my words. Not cowering over my patterns.

I'll write for me. When fore me. How for me.

But with saying that.

I couldn't be more thankful to the lot of you. Be it my true harts or the other ones cross the oceans. Thank you for your bottomless support. I don't know why i ever felt lke i had to prove myself by seeing how many ribs i could count through 4 layers of clothing. I didn't want this to happen. but it did. And on one hand, i am so thankful.

Because for the rest of my life - this is just a nick in the shave.
Just a patter in the journey, another journey..

I told them Unchained Melody was going to make me cry!
Damn Womens!

Love yoo all.

X

I'm Homesick.

HOME.

HOME.

HOME.

Baby Duck. My Duke. My Duchess.
I hate that i did this to him.
I hope he still recognises me when i see him,

i hope he's so happy

xxx