Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Too much Raspberry Tea?

I think not.

Not that this shall be long(How many times can i start a blog that way.... There is a little Pilkington in all of us.)

End of a Wednesday. Sitting perched on my new eggshell matress ("Hope you get a goodnights sleep on your eggcarton i mean shell matress" - Mama) I miss her, no acting.

That's it, no acting. No Fascade. What the hell is the point? For me, about me. With me. Who am i never going to be without? Me, who the hell will i need through the very highest of highs and in those deep dank holes of nowt. Me.

Someone needs the loo.
I'll be sick of that bell sometime during the next few months.
How do i feel like i am progressing?

To explain it to a point.
Today i realized, the feeling i have now... of this...whatever it is.. Happiness(like it's nothing, FOOL i be!) This feeling... is the one i would 'pray' to feel.. when i wasn't here. This is the kind of mood, and thought.. and headspace i wished and wished with all my might that i could have then when i was lying in the same four walls.
Upping my intake again this week.
You guys know how much i appreciate all of you, and one day soon i WILL be able to reply to all. but it's awkward with the timing(blame time.. here.. i don't do anything.. but in some weird sens ei have no time.. there is no time here. different world completely).

Mum has to steal back her laptop as she starts back a school this week.
I've told her the importance of it.. so hopefully she can steals me another one to jot down my bitter ramblings throughout my stay.

After dinner i lay sprawled on m bed.. in the freezing cold room... i begged them to open the blind soi could atleast not freeze my little-that-remains off... 43 degrees outside and i was running out there to get a blast of hot because of how fucking monsterous the Air Con is.

Regaining LIBIDO.
O my, O my indeedy.

Questioned again on purging and dihorettics(who wants to spell that word correctly anyway?)
The answer remains and shall always stay a big whopping No.
No way.
No how.

Not sorry, i am here for my life back. And i see no fucking point in living my life with that Eating Distorted Scu-Wiff mindset and bag o' bones that i have been holding for 12 months plus.
Sure, i'll get me my own eggshell matress.. but moving out, smiling, laughing, nadsy, babies, duke, work, absorbing the knowledge like the wee spongeette i am.. studying.. travveling.. my family, friends, walks, sunshine, all of it........ compared to the what? Benefits of dying?

I was given an amazing book start of second week of treatment.

Don't question, just get it.

Handwriting letters and PVA. Take That/That's Life Crossword Puzzles.. like a CHAMPION!
We had a new girl come in on Tuesday, as i said.. there is no time in here. But you can see bits of her every day. She loves graeme base.

To allow myself to love myself. Honour thyself and such.
I can't explain alot of this, ... jargin.
But i got deep down before this up. Yoga was amazin he other day. Something i can' t wait to really get into once out.

Someting else, is regaining friendships that i have lost. There are some that just break my heart.

From one of my 'closest' friends. Come on, what is that?

Feel free to talk, send me messaes.. texts.. i can't help but fall in love with you all he more i gain that muscle round the beating box itself.. but i don't want to hear or have mentioned anything to do with numbers, or weight in any way.

BOTH my brothers have said "I see you, i see more of my sister.. you look ... a bit more like you".

And yet i did not gain at all this week.

That for me, is a huge achievment in myself. And a HUGE letdown for my body. I need the equality.

Peter. for those reading is the Head honcho of my team. The biggest sweetheart. I don't think i could possibly explain the care i get in here. As much as i sometimes feel completely neglected. They are here to save my life. I was dying. I was letting myself die.. slowly. And very surely.
Simon. is my Psyche that i'd been seeing for the past week. he works here as the IP psyche also.. so thats awesome and a HUGE benefit for me to continue my recovery with soeone that already knows... of my distortion.

Today in Group we were asked to draw ourselves as... animals.
(Before anyone goes jumping ahead. i am in no way sayig i am cured. For all i know tihs is another stage before the war gruffle.. but i have this now.. this stage to dance aroud on.. why bother worrying about what ciuld happen.. fear itself is always what kept me back. fear of the waht ifs.. that distortion isn't gone away.. and here in word form is how i drew it.)

I started with an Eagles Beak. it is a beak, yes? Its wings were first back then i spread them over the half sketched Black leopard that was sitting acorss. just sitting. smaller than the eagle. That was in full flight.fight.
The panther had one cross from an eye, a war wound.
And the other was glaring green. Same shade as the eagles eye.
Above this drawing was two blue butterflies, same size. just above.

I am not striving for perfection. But i am striving.
For whatever something else is. Something.. else.

Yesterday with C*shit, i am going to miss her SO much* We sat in a seperate room doing a relaxtion thing(NOW we're taking rehab tongue!) It was absolutely amazing. I never revelled in that kind of thing enough.. always with the 'what works for some' idea happening.. (pluvvas are angry tonight). But each time i heard 'don't think, that thought.. let it go" without having to be told.. i literally imagined two blue butterflies and i'd let them go.. literally threw a hole in my head... I let them go. Set 'em free and all that.

Why butteflies? But blue.. and in two.
Not s much a partnership, but this is just another moment in my journey.

Nothing more than change, and a thought.


Daddy bought me a beanbag.
BYO chairs to the EDP lounge. Taa.

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