Thursday, January 15, 2009

Double Tapping the Spotting Blog. - all over sorry.

Fifth day in.

Mum, i don't know if you're reading this. And i tend not to read over some of the crap i have previously written. Incase i backslide and 'stew in my own juices.

I'm not coming on over the weekend. Because i feel like i need to grab this bastard by the horns.
I say bastard, but at the moment. I am finding this way too fucking easy. Had an interview with my Psyche today and explained that i do understand that there is going to be a time when my Eating Disorder flares up so much. And then again, last night ED told me... in a deep and daunting voice. That i'm doing so well that i should merely throw a 'bowl of spaghetti at the wall... and hope the hella goodness that someone pays some attention to you'.

We had a really good tlak this morning with one of the nurses today. But it's al about the brainstorming goodness of 'self confidence'.

Sounds cheesey.
But you try brinking the breaking point from.

Black highlighted

To the later scrubbed out
"WISH LIST". Which M quite smartly proved. "DESERVE LIST."
Lots of 0-10 and The Bastard is the Need for Approval.

You know what we did?
You know how fucking brilliant this is.
We spent two hours doing face masks, drinking black tea and discussing the components of Oprah. And hand massages.

As previously noted; recovery is a bitch.
although i got to see a girl that spent eight months here. And not only does she look unbelievably glowy. But she is happy. She looks happy.

The ladies are beyond writeable. I'm writing all of this whilst watching the news, whilst busting for the loo.. and listening to M's phone Martin give me text messages via 'the voice'.

This has such a strange feeling tonight, i'm staring out the front window of the Clinic and have that same gut instinct i use to get when i was sitting on my granmas floor on a sunday night, the day before getting picked up by the parents. Fuck, what the fuck is going through my head right now.

Mum, i feel like shit. Mum. This wasn't meant to be this difficult to write. I know i don't even want to post this but i feel terrible for leaving people out the loop. My real worry is that i have hurt my family. I feel selfish. Something makes me, Something? ED has a grasp in the mean sense that. "you're doing this for yourself, this isn't even hard for you. another holiday ey."

After giving myself help with class this morning, telling myself this is all going to be alright and that hey. You fucking deserve it. I'll scrawl down the brainstorm. I feel it sums up lot better than this.

Also - Dro gave me advice.
Giving me advice to show my journal, to nurses, to others. First try only gave me great motivation. And actually made me feel better.


I love you.


Gaby said...

Lauren, I love you so much!
I'm glad to read youre doing so well despite the clinic being a crappy place. YOu would think they would want to entice the recovery patients with good food they wouldnt be able to turn down, no? That would be a novel idea, maybe I could start my own clinic!
Don't let yourself get down because you're doing well, or because ED wants attention, that's the point of all this! you deserve treatment and you deserve to get better, and ED is finally getting his punishment for trying to take away your life and hurting your loved ones. YOU did not hurt anyone! Know that you're doing the right thing and that they should give you more privileges and hopefully more food now that they're noticing how far you've come on your own already.
Keep fighting and keep in touch! you'll be glowing and healthy and happy soon too!

Kiki said...

Hey Lauren, hang in there. I am positive that you have not hurt anyone! If anything, you've probably made your parents proud of you by getting all the help you need, even staying at IP instead of coming for a visit. It shows real dedication, and I'm sure your efforts will be appreciated when you come home ED free! Love you lots.

Lauren Danger said...

Gaby. This is the best thing for me. x

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