Fifth day in.
Mum, i don't know if you're reading this. And i tend not to read over some of the crap i have previously written. Incase i backslide and 'stew in my own juices.
I'm not coming on over the weekend. Because i feel like i need to grab this bastard by the horns.
I say bastard, but at the moment. I am finding this way too fucking easy. Had an interview with my Psyche today and explained that i do understand that there is going to be a time when my Eating Disorder flares up so much. And then again, last night ED told me... in a deep and daunting voice. That i'm doing so well that i should merely throw a 'bowl of spaghetti at the wall... and hope the hella goodness that someone pays some attention to you'.
We had a really good tlak this morning with one of the nurses today. But it's al about the brainstorming goodness of 'self confidence'.
But you try brinking the breaking point from.
To the later scrubbed out
"WISH LIST". Which M quite smartly proved. "DESERVE LIST."
Lots of 0-10 and The Bastard is the Need for Approval.
You know what we did?
You know how fucking brilliant this is.
We spent two hours doing face masks, drinking black tea and discussing the components of Oprah. And hand massages.
As previously noted; recovery is a bitch.
although i got to see a girl that spent eight months here. And not only does she look unbelievably glowy. But she is happy. She looks happy.
The ladies are beyond writeable. I'm writing all of this whilst watching the news, whilst busting for the loo.. and listening to M's phone Martin give me text messages via 'the voice'.
This has such a strange feeling tonight, i'm staring out the front window of the Clinic and have that same gut instinct i use to get when i was sitting on my granmas floor on a sunday night, the day before getting picked up by the parents. Fuck, what the fuck is going through my head right now.
Mum, i feel like shit. Mum. This wasn't meant to be this difficult to write. I know i don't even want to post this but i feel terrible for leaving people out the loop. My real worry is that i have hurt my family. I feel selfish. Something makes me, Something? ED has a grasp in the mean sense that. "you're doing this for yourself, this isn't even hard for you. another holiday ey."
After giving myself help with class this morning, telling myself this is all going to be alright and that hey. You fucking deserve it. I'll scrawl down the brainstorm. I feel it sums up lot better than this.
Also - Dro gave me advice.
Giving me advice to show my journal, to nurses, to others. First try only gave me great motivation. And actually made me feel better.
I love you.
- And on the Sabbath
- Too much Raspberry Tea?
- Tinker & Tantrum says She
- Utter Mindfulness
- She came in through the locked up bathroom
- You can turn it off, lucky bastards.
- Sheer Bliss and Common XB
- Meat Petals Bloom in a Bone Garden
- Double Tapping the Spotting Blog. - all over sorry...
- a bullshit chat of crappy boring thoughts.
- Gutless Wander
- If you wanna be happy
- Three, and counting
- To each and all.
- Another Tuesday Morning
- for Auld Lang Syne, my dear
- ▼ January (17)