Wednesday, January 14, 2009

a bullshit chat of crappy boring thoughts.

Jemima, i am sorry that you are finding this process so hard.
And i am even more sorry that these words may encourage a voice that shouldn't be there.

I am sitting in the main EDP Lounge after AT. I haven't met one of the girls in this room, but that's only making me nervous because i don't know whether or not look her way.

The ease of 'shoddy food' is right. I'm no longer spending every other second thinkin about the next bite. I fell in love very quickly with the other patients. Not that i wanted too. Not that i asked to. But i have. And i hope to one day be comfortable enough to walk into the room and know what to not say. And when to not say something.

Realizing early on that i had to tell my family to give it a breather. Was one of the hardest smack ons i'd ever experienced. I hope they realize, i know they realize that this is more of a 'if you guys don't then ED aint leaving'.

L: Mum i'm having a bad day
M: I'll be there in a minute

L: Mum i'm having a bad day
M: I'm sorry love, you can do this.
L: I need to see you.
M: I'm sorry baby i can't.
L: MUM I FUCKING NEED TO SEE YOU.
M: Come on, go outside for a while. Breath. I'll call you later on. I love you.
L: I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN. FIND DON'T EVEN BOTHER COMING BACK.

And i hope. And i pray that she has the guts to just say no. To say "Eating Disorder is having a crappy day."
Flip me round.
Know me before ED.
Know me before that bitch.

I no longer have control, and i definately gave them all keys. Including the two under the pebble spares. I can't be stepping back this time. We get to have sessions.

Mrn described it well enough. "You've lost the love of the obsession. You no longer have control of the taste, nor the control of what's going to come next."

Of course they're not going to believe me. Sometimes i catch myself out. But holy shit, how can a voice so strong dull so suddenly.
Micha; "You don't get as skinny as you are, without having a very, very loud ED voice."

Why didn't i ever think of it so rationally. Oh wells.
Sorry i am not writing as much on here as possible.
There is a Chocolate-Saga i need to scrawl about. The most intense moment i've had whilst being in here. But nurses will quiery. Of course they will. What frustrates me is I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY QUESTION. But even saying "no, i know why you're suspicious it's completely understandable."
SHES BEING TOO UNDERSTANDABLE. Now it is just tip toeing easier to the 'alright, shrug it off baby.. suck it up and just eat.'.

Pity i wanna get better huh. We had this "Mindfullness" class yesterday(where the small porcelin horror pot of dark and milk slid back and fourth between 6 seperate eyes.) But that will come later as explained.
I can see a time of getting better.
But i have support here.

With the most amazing conversations.
I get to experience this.
My parents have been warned to 'give it three weeks...'
Apparenlty the first few are easy. But seeing as i am eating. I'm not throwing bowls. Which is normal, as it is abnormal in the same sense.
it's a massive lose lose situation innit?

If i eat, and i follow the call - I'm exercising. I'm purging. I'm bad.
If i don't eat, and i go against the wholegrain? - I'm everything i say i'm not.

I'm so fucking glad that they were as honest with me as they have been. The conversation of ED ED ED couldn't continue for another day let alone another week. I somehow motioned eating and.. encouraged the other girls to eat. Unintentionally. Do you know how amazing that feels? I am beyond grotesque in words to myself. Not yet in the reflection. but i am here. I am here to get better. and i am not here to fight. Sorry this is really all over the place. See, my fingers don't know how to keep up! We talked about Deal or No Deal for an hour. Another hour about tattoos.. and the next hour to a nurse. Lauren, that's what the nurses are here for...!! BUT OF COURSE.

"LIVING IN THE NOW - NOW" tha doesn't fucking work in a place like this. I'm in a family environment of a mental fucking hospital.

Alright, it's dinner time.
Hi Mum and Dad i love you.

Bronwyn is bringing in the boys after dinner! Oh i can't wait to see them!
X

Mum, Dad, shit... you saved my life.
I would have had to come kicking and screaming. You knowthat. but you let me do this. And you know, you KNOW just how much... you will never hurt. For the rest of your life. I will be your hero. If you let me.
xxx

2 comments:

dollymixtures said...

You're hanging in there so well despite all this shit. Well done, you are truly amazing. :)

You are an inspiration to me...An inspiration to the people on CC...An inspiration to the girls in your IP. That takes a lot :D

I love you xx

Lauren Danger said...

Dolly. Go to fucking hospital. Please.
No more talking. bite the damn bullet.

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