Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Gutless Wander

From the chin of Babe Lauren.

No Gum.
No Sweeteners.
No Exercise.
No Saying No.

This is all alright, mind you.
The food is shit.

And i cry, because recovery. Because being in my own home. Maintaining my obsession within my own hub.. gaining minimal, yet gaining either way in the real world.. was more... 'doable' when i was enjoying the food. Enjoying the experience. I cried, and they said "It's giving over power.. because there doesn't need to be an obsession".

No, i cry because last night i ate the most perfect fucking fillet of salmon and roasted vegetables, potato salad and a coca cola with my entire family in the sunshine... and now, i have the same crud and crust taste of 3 in a row yoghurt from a please-piss-in-this-esque looking cup and two bits of fish finger sized cold chicken from a box .. 4 bits of lettuce.. a cucumber.. i think maybe a piece of pineapple..

Try explaining 'I've been eating 2500+ for the past 4 weeks now, there is no worry of re-feeding' to a bunch of fucking high standard pro's. "How do you know so much about this, and even know what re-feeding is". Because i wanted to know what was killing me. I wanted to know why on earth i was doing this shit to myself.

I can't believe how unbelievabley horrible the food is.
I can't believe i walked into lunch with two other Anorexic Patients to find myself eating mayonaise on a margarine sandwich... and because i didn't fight it("so is this like starters.. for lunch?") apparently i must be doing something wrong. If EDS voice would ever be heard of again, it was that moment. It was the moment they raised an eyebrow.. which in turn questioned 'well... that's right i'm meant to have anorexia.. oh wait.. i'm spose to kick and scream now right? listen bucko the only reason i'd be throwing this plate across the room is if because someone offered me some real fucking food.....".. if only i had the voice of ED from 6 month ago.

"No offence, when i saw you walking in.. My head went crazy because i never, ever wanted to be as skinny as you.. but then i never knew what the fuck i wanted."

"You don't know how skinny you are do you, i've found myself eating less since you got here"

I feel.. shit for hearing both of those. My recovery could cause someone else.. to relapse further....

Two day Grool
Since the hospital stint. And where am i? Different kind of hospital, aye. Pale green walls. Locked toilets. Crosswords to boot. And Pressing my nose hard into The Twilight series. How the hell do i sum something like this up? The room is as much my 'own' hub as possible.

Meanwhile the same lady, walks the same lap. I stopped counting after she hit 250 the first day. It's just gone 10 at night, and i find myself sitting on my bed trying to connect to "that damned thing" again and again.

We found out the 'wireless' they all talked about has to be coded by someone and then authorized and too much shit to bother.

So Mum and Dad went and bought me my own. Not that i can see myself using this much. Just a few updates plodding along. Strange how time, options, figures worked out. Or ran down. Stock-wise also.It just so happened all 'my' foods ran out the same day i was coming out. (Yes, measured to a tee but nowhere near as obsesive.)

I forget what kind of place this is.

Checked on the hour... every hour, during the night.

Some of the conversations that have already taken place are ones that i will run down into the cerebral cortex till it is nothing but grey mattered and mush.

"Who are you trying to prove yourself too?"

"You're doing so well sweetie."

I didn't come here to play the sick anorexic. And i definately didn't come here to fight or resist. I came here because a week ago something hit me very hard and very sorely. We have what is called a 'Ward Round' every Monday. This is where all the professionals on your 'team' sit in a conference room and you are in some way.. leading THEM.

Which is hell on fucking heights when you've only met two of them. One being a recoveree(which i realized, i am living amongst others with this now. "So you can hear the voice too!?")

NEVER would i have thought i'd meet another.. who unscrews the Peanut Butter jars and with eyes blinded tries to guess which one is the Crunchy one(i give you permission to smirk) And then consider it your 'binge' for the day. I got it right 8-10.

My room looks over the courtyard. Where i began smoking mints and cool again.

Constant weather on the inside, so can't complain... thought have already been told off for keeping my 'gap' opened. Having to buzz a nurse to loo was the strangest.

You treat it like a motel until moments like that.. when they're nowhere to be found and you're about to piss your panties. For once, i don't feel bad for eating.

Alright, you can all know the truth. For an ED Department. The food is hideous. I was eating better, tastier AND MORE OF at home. Trying to explain this to a team of 'professionals' is one of the most frustrating things in the world. I don't need their pity nor applause. It wasn't that hard to walk in the front doors. It is going to be hard to prove that i am not here to impress. I am here to get better. (As mentioned to Mama, i don't want to 'find' myself here. Which is why i'm finding it so hard to walk into my room and feel in any way connected personally to it. Though it is my bedding, my lamp and my books on show.)


Watery custard.

Stale Bread.
Cold Toast.
After taste of fucking filth.
"two ensure if you don't finish a main... one if you don't finish a snack"

i love these girls so much already. i think a part of me hates to get connected to someone that is somewhat under the influence of the same puppet master that seems to have dropped his strings with me.

The list goes on. They questioned why i wasn't fighting. I was asked today whether i was excercising in the toilets. This is what people have to understand(which is an impossible ask, i fucking know). I never, ever. went hungry.

I starved myself to the point of extreme. but it went hand in hand with an obsession with exercise. Not because i wanted to. But because i had to. I was living off a diet made for someone trying to lose weight. And for so long now, months. I have been living off 2-5-0-0 KCal. Numbers are hard for someone to crunch in the abs when not dealing with an eating disorder. But believe me, it's not starvation. There is NO risk of me having Re-Feeding Syndrome. NOT NOW. But they assume this is the case.

Therefor they're UNDER FEEDING ME. I have lost weight since last week. Without exercise. My medicine is now sitting on my arse writing 'THE FOOD IS SHIT'. Guess what guys, the food is shit. I'd rather go and eat McDonalds three times a day. From someone with a hint of Orthorexia as well(wiki-it) This is saying aLOT. Nutrtional Value of an empty Clam.
This mornings morning tea with the dietician was giving portion sizes and eating ice cream(OOHH THE HOKEY POKEY.. you are what it's all about). The girls slivvered. They put a weakling scrape into the bowl. I wasn't going to look greedy, Ed wasn't going to look greedy.. so copied the previous. Both girls unwilling to eat what lay infront. I, well i was looking forward to ice cream before 11AM. I put two golf ball sized scoops into my bowl and was ready to devour.. not in abinge way. In a I LOVE ICE CREAM way. I did all the fucking hard word. I've done all the fucking hard work. I'm hear for watchers. Which by the way sucks.
We eat the meal then are watched for an hour after. But i can see myself polishing off some fine reads in here. Already cleared 10 sudokus and a giant crossword. Anyway. We at the icecream. I didn't feel like shit. They both lay in balls on the couches infront of me. Wait.. weight.. am i MEANT to feel like shit? Do i pull a few tears out now? So they feel better? I sat there questioning myself for a while, "thanks for that, it was really nice"... it was. I had a fear rating of 2.. compared to their 10.. why two? Because i saw they both circled ten. I'VE DONE ALL THE FUCKING HARD WORK ON MY OWN. I'VE CLEARED MY FEARS. I'VE DONE ALL THE FUCKING HARD WORK ON MY OWN. I forget that. Well not now.

I just know if i keep getting served the same shitty cobble grool, that i'll be walking and admitting thems the reasons. And if it's so crap i CRY? "you're not suppose to WANT to eat. You're suppose to struggle and prod"... i want to eat. I want to eat. I want to eat.
You know why, sure i see myself getting better in here. But because since almost dying a week ago, someone dropped a string of three. And for one i sat here with my family and my best friend in my hospital room laughing and teasing myself and prodding fun.... and food... exercise.. was not on the list of conversation for that hour and a bit.
Thats why. Thats why if my weight doesn't go up in here.. then i'm sorry Folks. but I'm not fussing nae more. THE FOOD IS SHIT.
This can't be said enough guys.

I got crumpets with butter for supper at eight.
and a strawberry protein milk. You can see eyes watching like
... umm.. she's not really fussing... i talked about brain training and scientology during my cold crumpet session.. and then i asked a nurse when my boobs will be back (To Nadsy:.. IT'S LIKE I'M ASKING FOR MY SHOES BACK AT THE BOWLING LANES.. HII THEY'RE THE C CUP IN THE BLACK LACE... YEP.. THANKSSS')
I wanna eat - they question
I wanna get better - they question
I'm not fucking lying for once and they question.
How the fuck is this going to work.
We stagger on.
11.04 now.. read for an hour or so.. if i shower before Breakfast then i don't have to be watched... no offence i like the idea of showering and not having somene question my vocal range..

As i'm cutting and pasting and all over the place with this.. the toilet thing.. apparently if i continue to go(what.. to the toilet!?) they have rules.. like saying the alphabet to prove not purging... umm.. i've been honest from word go.. why the fuck would i start purging now? a year after staying true to the fact that making myself throw up was never and is never going to be an issue.

But the cold rissole and blob of... gravy? with the pad of butter really didn't go down to well.. My cat eats dog poo... even HE would have looked iffy at it and picked to see what it was made of. But remind yourself lauren, where are you?

What will it look like if you push and shove and rip apart your food?I haven't eaten out of plastic containers(especially ones that resemble the one you just asked me to piss in) since i was a wee bern. But ask to pour it into a bowl and apparently this is 'obsessive' and 'a bit too picky'.

I have cried twice after dinner.

Not because i was uncomfortable.

Because i eat better, more of and the tastiest meals whenever i want.. at home.

Five minutes from where i sit to clatter along right now. The other girls are so lovely. SO fucking lovely. I can see myself in them, and i know they in I. It is strange to have a common ground like ED. So hard to explain. Difference being, i want to gain. Sure.. the weight will eventually go on and i will eventually react in my own way and form. But for now, i can see myself getting better here. That... in itself, is a fucking relief. Walking through the doors and giving them the key. Is what i did. I have to drink apple and or orange juice. Both of which i hate, both of which i've always hated. If i don't have them. Then i must have a 360 Calorie Suppliment in liquid form. Yes, the same ones i stopped taking in OUT-PATIENT.. BECAUSE IT WASN'T NORMAL.

There is no normal here. I am hungry.

But they won't let me eat anything, fuck give me an apple!Because it is NOT on my 'set meal plan'. The frustration is the deadbolt. It will be, and is going to be.So... this is day two. I don't know what to expect. I wanted to not know what to expect.

Luckily Mum and Dad have been to visit a few times with Tessa.. and after having a good sook after dinner(twice now .. by the way.. so it just looks insane..) Nadsy came in with flowers. And my heart did a double flip and well i was just happy. It's hard to deal with because a year ago.. i could be normal.. and food wasn't the topic....

People forget it IS only a year for me. These girls are well into their fourth of 'who knows how many' returns to hospitilization. As mentioned to S from the word go. I don't want to be the typical anorexic. Backsliding her entire life and 'it's always gonna be there'. I don't and can't be that person. And i definately refuse to believe that this is and ever will be a good part of me.

There is way too much to write. Bottom line.The food is shit. But apparently, it's wrong for an anorexic to eat. want to eat...Let alone complain about the grool.


LiLmissGuTs said...

aww that sounds really rough, Lauren. But hooray for YOU for being so much better than that place, for being a million steps ahead, for baffling them! Talk about defying. :)

You'll show them--give them nothing against you, how can they label you "not thinking properly or knowing what 2500 calories is" when you're eating every bite of crap and wishing for otherwise? Obviously calling it crap and asking for other isn't an excuse to get out of eating.

Rock on, man, you're going to kick their butts and ours if we don't take on a bit of your attitude!

dollymixtures said...

Sweetie you have no idea how fucking proud of you I am. You have proved these people that you WANT to recover. You have proved that it's possible, despite the fact they are giving you crap food. You hang in there girlie! You can get through this experiece...i had no idea how stupid it all sounds, not even being allowed an apple. It sounds more like they're ENCOURAGING you to be anorexic :/

Keep up the good work hun. If I could I'd send you a bunch of magazines to read, or perhaps you'd like to do my many english essays I have piled up to do? ;) That'd keep ya busy!

But seriously, you're doing so fucking well <3 Just keep proving them wrong ad you'll be outta there in no time! Love you loads

Anonymous said...

Lauren, I went through the same thing. In my first IP of last year - I was up to 3500 calories of solid food in three weeks. When they had me transferred to a different treatment center because I wasn't gaining weight, the new program started me out on 1800, in liquids. The entire first week I was there, every day they asked me why my weight went down. Professionals do not trust anorexic patients, especially not when they first arrive in treatment. Well, its not that they don't trust the patients. They don't trust the ED not to take over the patient's mind.
I know it will be hard to adjust to. But at least you are with other people, dealing with the same thing. Maybe you'll even make some treatment friends? I hope so. And you will have your family and your life to look forward to when you get to bust out of there. And you'll get to have yourself a nice hard drink and a good meal. I know hospital food certainly doesn't make for learning to enjoy food - but if you can eat hospital meals in entirety - just think how much easier it will be when the food actually has a taste!
<3 Tori (rebel)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry IP isn't doing much for you now, Lauren. Just think though. It'll be an amazing realization to think that even though you have all these people basically telling you to eat less and that it's okay to act like an anorexic, you aren't letting ED take advantage of you. You'll finish with IP and tiny ice cream portions and think "Hm, I still want to eat a perfect fillet of salmon and drink coca cola." I that that now you're past wanting to stop ED and begin recovery. You're just trying to figure out how to start living. Keep going, love you!

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