FREEDOM! In the shape of unlocked bathroom.
Another day, done. Another gone?
Not gone, just simplified into a memory… not so much put away for safe keeps but I am no longer on that ladder anymore… up to the next step
What another beautiful day.. Yoga with Pauline, honestly is the best medicine. Relaxation. Beautiful dinner, gorgeous new girl in IP.
You could see the other girls tense up, act stupid. Get louder. I was embarrassed but, somewhat understood why. Their Eating Disorders are showing very bright.
I am willing to acknowledge that I am not ready for whole freedom. But I am looking forward to it. And that, in itself is a massive. MASSIVE achievement for me. And I am ever so proud.
I’ll call it in a night soon. But I realize.
I am happy, there is a genuine lightness in my chest.
Not literally, no need to hit panic stations.
A clear mind, an even clearer view. But for now, it is there. That clearness. That positivity.
Look how far I have come in six months, in a negative aspect perhaps.
Look how far I shall go in the next six months, one day, five hours, two weeks.. whatever it is. I can see it. And that is the most amazing feeling for me.
I am myself, for myself.
I don’t want to feel weak, I don’t want to second guess my body. That is not what getting better is about. Recovery goes hand in hand with self awareness and nurturing oneself. I want to love myself for everything I’m worth. And I feel I really do see that now. I second guess, of course. And that’s why I know my Eating Disorder is still strong. But I never gave myself enough credit.
How strong one can be, once being let to walk alone.
Peter is proud of my achievements. I may have lost but there is no restriction, no fights. No fear. Fearing what exactly? That whole time? Worthiness Lauren. Aligning Self Worth with satisfaction in the body. How much a thought… a thought.. can change.
And I let it go, it was blue.. and it was a butterfly. I literally let them fly away. I know Simon is in tomorrow, all of the day. EDP session and Whole Ward session. I have to remember that he delves into my ‘stop touching my psyche’ for a reason. He wants to help. What does HE gain by purposely trying to hurt my feelings? These are the things I must be wary of. Not even wary, just aware that… it is not rational. Be in trust. Be yourself. Honestly, you’ve come so far already.
I am so proud of myself.
(i don't, and won't be mentioning numbers throughout my posts. It is that decimal point .. that held me at hells gate for so long. i don't want to or need to mention it... or think about it, this is not the reason of my recovery. just the basic lifeline i handed over to the clinic two weeks ago... i am here for what i can do. what i can achieve.. and what i can not do.
i am happy now,
shit oath i'll have cracker bad days.
but that, is all.
And what bette rplace to be. Than one of the only Eating Disorder Specific Clinics in Victoria?Where i HAVE the support of professionals. Where i no longer let go of the lead and let that bastard squeel at my loved ones.
I'm only here.
We share so much common ground, without the words of each said journey.
Remarkable the people, the sunshine.. there is a feeling of 'safe entrapment'.
But i will never call it home, merely another realm of my life as of today, yester, nigh and nonsense.
- And on the Sabbath
- Too much Raspberry Tea?
- Tinker & Tantrum says She
- Utter Mindfulness
- She came in through the locked up bathroom
- You can turn it off, lucky bastards.
- Sheer Bliss and Common XB
- Meat Petals Bloom in a Bone Garden
- Double Tapping the Spotting Blog. - all over sorry...
- a bullshit chat of crappy boring thoughts.
- Gutless Wander
- If you wanna be happy
- Three, and counting
- To each and all.
- Another Tuesday Morning
- for Auld Lang Syne, my dear
- ▼ January (17)