Tuesday, January 27, 2009

iDeserve

27.01

FREEDOM! In the shape of unlocked bathroom.
Another day, done. Another gone?
Not gone, just simplified into a memory… not so much put away for safe keeps but I am no longer on that ladder anymore… up to the next step

What another beautiful day.. Yoga with Pauline, honestly is the best medicine. Relaxation. Beautiful dinner, gorgeous new girl in IP.

Yasmine.

You could see the other girls tense up, act stupid. Get louder. I was embarrassed but, somewhat understood why. Their Eating Disorders are showing very bright.

I am willing to acknowledge that I am not ready for whole freedom. But I am looking forward to it. And that, in itself is a massive. MASSIVE achievement for me. And I am ever so proud.
I’ll call it in a night soon. But I realize.

I am happy, there is a genuine lightness in my chest.
Not literally, no need to hit panic stations.

A clear mind, an even clearer view. But for now, it is there. That clearness. That positivity.
Look how far I have come in six months, in a negative aspect perhaps.
Look how far I shall go in the next six months, one day, five hours, two weeks.. whatever it is. I can see it. And that is the most amazing feeling for me.

I am myself, for myself.
I don’t want to feel weak, I don’t want to second guess my body. That is not what getting better is about. Recovery goes hand in hand with self awareness and nurturing oneself. I want to love myself for everything I’m worth. And I feel I really do see that now. I second guess, of course. And that’s why I know my Eating Disorder is still strong. But I never gave myself enough credit.

How strong one can be, once being let to walk alone.
X

Peter is proud of my achievements. I may have lost but there is no restriction, no fights. No fear. Fearing what exactly? That whole time? Worthiness Lauren. Aligning Self Worth with satisfaction in the body. How much a thought… a thought.. can change.
And I let it go, it was blue.. and it was a butterfly. I literally let them fly away. I know Simon is in tomorrow, all of the day. EDP session and Whole Ward session. I have to remember that he delves into my ‘stop touching my psyche’ for a reason. He wants to help. What does HE gain by purposely trying to hurt my feelings? These are the things I must be wary of. Not even wary, just aware that… it is not rational. Be in trust. Be yourself. Honestly, you’ve come so far already.
I am so proud of myself.

X

(i don't, and won't be mentioning numbers throughout my posts. It is that decimal point .. that held me at hells gate for so long. i don't want to or need to mention it... or think about it, this is not the reason of my recovery. just the basic lifeline i handed over to the clinic two weeks ago... i am here for what i can do. what i can achieve.. and what i can not do.

i am happy now,
shit oath i'll have cracker bad days.
but that, is all.

And what bette rplace to be. Than one of the only Eating Disorder Specific Clinics in Victoria?Where i HAVE the support of professionals. Where i no longer let go of the lead and let that bastard squeel at my loved ones.

I'm only here.
X


We share so much common ground, without the words of each said journey.
Remarkable the people, the sunshine.. there is a feeling of 'safe entrapment'.
But i will never call it home, merely another realm of my life as of today, yester, nigh and nonsense.

3 comments:

ngemma said...

hey lauren I just wanted to let you know I've been reading your posts and you're amazingly strong. I wish I went and tackled IP the same way you are and every morning when I wake up and read what you have to say I realize that if you're making the best of you're situation so should I. I've been through that before and I can prevent it from happening on my own. Believe me, what you're learning now will carry with you with all your ups and downs once you're free. You're beautiful and when you get to the healthy place you need to be your beauty is only going to be more apparent. A man once told me that I was developing a "healthy glow" like that of a pregnant woman once I started gaining a bit in treatment. at first i obviously freaked out being compared to a pregnant woman but realizing he didn't mean I was large but gaining my healthy mind and heart again made me realize how i never should have lost the person i was before.

i dont need to tell you that you can do it because you are doing it and you know you're going to be happy because you already are happier.
keep it up woman, gain those boobs and glow and life that you want;)
my e-mail is ngemma@g.risd.edu if you ever want to talk, if not its fine just keep inspiring yourself to do what you need to do. xx

spunsilver1017 said...

Hey Lauren, I've been reading up on you too. I know you have been struggling with the whole inpatient thing, but it sounds like you are truly doing well. I know its a rough place to be, but you sound so strong and so determined and wise. I hope that you brush off on the other girls there. You are going to feel so much better soon.
I have news! I broke like a million ED rules - changed meals unexpectedly, went out at night on a date with a boy after eating all day...even let him feed me something because he insisted I looked hungry around midnight. ^.^ Soo happy these days - its like ED has vanished. I hope that you will begin to feel that way again soon - like you are free. You will be. And then we can dance barefoot in the mud.

Email me sometime chicky! rebelchick1017@yahoo.com
<3 Victoria
Oh! BTW - who is Peter?

Gaby said...

Lauren! I'm so unbelievably proud of you and inspired, and in awe...seriously, at a loss for words. What you're going through, how you're handling this, how strong and beautiful you are, your talent for writing it all out and expressing yourself perfectly...I feel like I've won the lottery just to have the opportunity to message with you and read about your journey. I want to cry, laugh, and hug you all at once, and as soon as I have the means to I will take the 30 or so hour flight over there in order to do so because you deserve it, you deserve that and a million times more. I love you and hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
Gaby

ps. Don't worry about your baby, he will still remember and love you when you come back! Sadly, I have to leave my kitten when I travel for work, but she goes straight back to purring as soon as I walk in the door. Pets love unconditionally :)

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