Saturday, January 17, 2009

Meat Petals Bloom in a Bone Garden

Day 6. (Aint no god, no ghost, gonna save you now.)

She sells souls at the side of the road.
Would you like to take a number?
I'm on that highway.

Not long now.
Not for my exit, but for my real entrance into the world. I have not had one day of recovery. I know that now. I am finding this far too 'easy' for a reason.
People can not judge me here. People can not give me a list of what is and is not going to happen. The journey that seperates us from them. From me to them, from you to me.
This is such a beautiful place for realization, no matter what that be. Last nights banishments.
- You don't need to be here, no no.. look where your head is at.- Speak o' the devil, ED starts pokin' about when very least expected.- How many people can say they almost died at twenty one?- How many people can fall asleep happy.. in a psychiatric ward?- You don't need to get better. People MISS you, ED.. still drawing that line of self acknowledgement and self pity.
I've had to tell my family and friends not to visit me. It's a convenience. For me and them, 'living' so close to home. I am a stonesthrow from my village. From my blood. I live with people that have to make STD calls just to TALK with their mother. I realize i'm lucky. I also realize thats the fucking reason i am not finding this fight hard. Change of routine is fucking incredible. I handed over my keys whole heartedly. Even reading back to the first day of my stay in IP. This is the most amazing place i could ever be. For my health and head. We are learning tactics. They don't just feed you up. It was never about the food(really.. people are incredibly naive to think that any disorder has but one seed.) It's not that i don't want to see anyone, believe me ED bashed me good the first few days.. "selfish fucking bitch haha, that's m'girl. you push 'em away.. this is a holiday!! you'll have visitors everyday and people CARE about yu while you're here! i care about you! This is going to be such a wonderful life. "
No, no.. i need... i want the fight. "You can't be as thin(they don't use the word skinny) as you are and NOT have such a strong ED voice." - M.
You know why i find this so cruel? Why do i think i'm so strong? And why do i pick up my knife and fork 6 times a day and just smile and do what they tell me? Why... because my eating disorder is stronger now than it ever has been. And this could be the shit hitting the fan. This could be the wall we've all been waiting for. I need to miss my family. I need to have something to fucking fight for. My life is my life. But you know what else? I want to do nothing. I haven't had one day of being alone here. Fuck that i know that tomorrow Mum and Dad will be here for Ward Round and i'm not... disappointed but i am just.. this is a fucking holiday at the moment.
The stories i've fucking been told? I am not allowed to pick up my own nephew! I got in trouble for hugging my nephew....Nothing to do with nowt but ... it's hard. Noone deserves to think this much about nothing. Not-Thing. No-Thing. I feel selfish because i want to be left alone. To get better. I'm not going to apologise for saying such a thing. Although believe me i want to grovel at your feet. But i can not. I can not apologise for my own sanity. For my own health. If i had something to feel bad for. It's because i hurt so many people along the way. Anorexia makes you very, very cruel. When i use this word., i mean it with everything in my heart.
Anorexia Rapes. Of everything that you are, i don't even know if right now.. this is me or my eating disorder. And now that it be mentioned. I will be in thought about it, or will i? Is this because it's that dreaded Sunday evening? The one i always avoided in reality?
I love my family, i love my friends. I love them so much that i don't want to apologise to you. I don't want to sit their crying because my mum didn't text me. Because this prick.. this bastard tells me that i am not worthy of a visit nor a text message from my own mother. Anorexia has a love list too you know. ("I'm back to my listings!" she says, says Lauren.) Attention? It doesn't feed, it fucking bleeds off attention. You know what it does? That puppet Master? It tells you everyhting you want to here. It rapes you from the inside out. Sleeps against you, holds you and touches you in all the right places. It gives you the hand to glide along your stick thin frame. It tells you thats beautiful. It lets... it makes you believe that what you see, is the most perfect way to live. Because that is beauty. It doesn't care what you feel. It doesn't care that your Cerebelum is at moosh and grime stage. It kills you. So deeply. And then tells you to come back to bed. It holds and gags you. It batters and bruises you. But you know who you are, don't you?
Walk to your nearest childhood photo. The one that makes you smile. Pick that photo up and look at it. Look at it like you always do. Now brutalize it.... give it everything and nothing. Shove that self into the corner and kick it in the guts. Rape it of everything it once was. Give it the world and cut that little girls face. Watch it suffer, don't look away. Because ED loves that little girl. In my case, EDs failure is to not have that little girl anymore. If ED wins... that little girl is left bleeding from every orifice in a room full of staring eyes. And you know what... that is the most rational thing i have ever written. That's an Eating Disorder. That's my ED.
Hate my ED.
Don't let me get away with this anymore. That's why i need to be here. And that's why i can't see you.
Kicking it's arse is an understatement. But please i tried to do this outside. Let me be. Let me be. XI got a visit from Chones today. If you could understand. The self acknowledgement. The line i draw with worthyness, weight, men and self destruction. I almost killed myself, literally ran myself into the ground for a solid year. I showed the girls my myspace page to show my family... i had to point out which one was me......literally say "how can you NOT tell!?" I am a shadow of myself. Less than that. But inside, there is a growth. A wee petal. Blooming in a bone garden.


Okie said...

Lauren, you are amazing. <3 Your writing, your everything—I can barely understand it, it's so mysterious. But that's just why I love it. Because it's real. Because behind your ED, there you are, innocent, real. Love you so much girlie. xoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

You write so beautifully and vividly, Lauren. You are very gifted with words. Its almost a curse; to be able to make something so painful and twisted sound so elegant.
But, even in your torment and frustrating with ED, I stll hear your strength pushing through. You'll get through this, and ED will be reduced to the pony bitch he really is.
<3 Victoria (rebel)

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