Wednesday, January 21, 2009

She came in through the locked up bathroom

I'm sorry for blogging when the head is in a different space.
But in saying that, i'm not sorry at all. Because if you're reading this, for whatever reason you are. Then the journey to the outer is all the REAL fun, right?

Therapizing the Therapist about Therapy and Brain Thoughts.
Missing my home.

My Star Sign sums me up today actually; i can see my Anorexia has been so loud lately, that it fooled me into believeing it just wasn't there. But what better place to make a mistake. Where i am surrounded by support, both friends. The type of friends i'll never need to remind that they mean the world to me. No Cultism that i thought was going to be the case. Frustration goes away slowly. Comes creeping back only to remind me that i am here because of that voice, that thought. Whatever it is. It's there. And i'm here to dull him to a forever humming blub in the background. Barely a stutter. Only a shaddow of what once was, to remind me of every days.


Mum, thanks for letting me cry down the phone to you.
After the hang up 63 came in to see how i was, lock the door and say goodnight. She also reminded me that nurses are here to take the place of you for a while. And i feel terrible for not being able to fight the finger to the keypad at 10.30 every night. Just hearing your voice is a reminder how little and how far away you are.... baby steps Mum. I'm going to be alright.
I'm going to be better than alright. I promise.
You never have to worry about anything, ever again. I couldn't ever possibly have conjured up a more beautiful woman to ever aspire to.
I am helping others as well as myself mum. It fights the fight to remind me how Selfish i feel being here.

I spend so much time worrying about not telling everyone the amazing stories and journeys i'm experiencing here. The laughs, from a woman who has just had her Brain electrified because no drug can stop her from wanting to Kill Herself. Failure to kill herself had her in even deeper depression because she couldn't even 'do that right'. But to hear that same woman genuinely laugh... and my forcing.. of sorts. "Do you like horses" and hear her and SEE her eyes light up telling me what kid of horses she likes. And how she feels when she listens to Enya. See... i get to see that. And for that moment, that bastard shuts up so i can hear this womans cry out.

She snores though... fuck does she snore.

Only one more day of Bucket-Wars.

So here it is.

- Imagine a world in which there was no "you". Imagine being absent. Imagine eveeyrone else etting on with their business, vaguely stopping to remembe ryou from time to time... but generally too caught up in their own lives to think about yours. What's that? You don't have to imagine it? You feel so ignored or overlooked in one key area of life that you are beginning to doubt your own existence? Breath back out agai. And then step forward to make the difference. Because through your very presence, you now can do that. -

So i think i need to keep some of these memories, as memories .
Keep something to yourself Lauren. It's good for YOU to grow. Give to you what you deserve.
What do YOU want.

Do what YOU want.
If you can give all your strength and shove into something o-so cruel. Oh so real?
Imagine what the feck you can do in the real world! Imagine the damage you can REALLY do!!!

I have lists again!! LISTS!!
I love me a good list.
I have aspirations, i just gotta know what it is that gets me out of this hole. And into another.

He told me yesterday,
it is VERY rare. For First and Only Admissions.

And it took hours before i had a comeback worthy.
Well, i've always seen myself as being quite rare.....

Soon i will no longer even have Net access.. maybe this is the last peep into the eyes of the be/ed-holder.

I think too much about thinking. Valium Knights, in my head.

(If locking a toilet/bathroom.. if measuring my piss... can make me better.. i'll be doing it for as long as i need..)

If staying here for another 300 days, minutes, hours, months, weeks makes me better... i'm not going to fight it... anorexia nervosa that is.
It's boring, and lets face it.... you're sick'o reading about it.. i'm sick 'o talking about it.

If anyone comes in, down the track.. maybe a month. Give it a month. I want people to unnoticabley.. ot be told.. but notice the change in me. IN me people....
I never wanted to be healthy, i wanted to be skinny.
Because some runt, some waste of tattooed skin.. urgh, had the personality disorder of a Rock(not even a fucking pebble.) Told me i wasn't good enough. Told me his weight HAhahahaha before he even told me his middle name...what a fucking joke you are.
Boring sod of a beast. Not "worthy" of the ie. no more. "soz."

I love you babies (it's been a good day, coz i see myself getting better.)
Classes/Sessions/Timetables include.
Yoga Sessions, to make me beautiful.
Nutritional Factings and lessons, to scrap the magazine 'facts'.

Carbohydrates people. The only source of fuel for the fucking brain.

pricks tell us it makes us fat.

The women i aspire to follow, not be... all curves and beauty, brains and batter.
I make this strong connection with my weight, both outside and in with men. This is an underlying law in my head. I'll find out why. But this is fucking bullshit. Women care more about women than men care about women and size.
Size, Weight. Let's shut pandoras box tonight.

See you in a few.
You beautiful darlinghearts. I love you all.
My heart is getting big enough to fit you all in!!


OLIVE YOU. - Shell.

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